Backing out of situations to meet girls / take things further

[daj901]

Hi

I'd be very grateful for some advice on something. Basically, I think I'm backing out of situations to meet with girls and take things beyond friends (aka sabotaging my own chances to date girls). It keeps happening to me and I think it might be something psychological.

Some background info about me: I'm a 26 year old male and not really had much success with girls. In 2008 I was having a bit more success with a few different women. I then got my only girlfriend (almost 3 years ago now), although it lasted about 6 weeks. It was a long distance relationship (200 miles away) and I met her through a hobby - with this hobby, people who are based around the UK meet up somewhere for a long weekend (about 5 times a year). I had gone to see her once and she had came to see me once in the 6 weeks. Then it ended on one of these long weekends, and quite badly. She ended it and the problem was that the situation was basically played out in front of about 25 people who I was with the entire time, and played out over several days. Looking back to the reasons why she ended it, I don't blame her at all for ending it as I was being too couply, but she went from being reasonable to just ignoring me / making nasty comments for the rest of the weekend - it was pretty miserable for me. I think my problem has been ever since then, particularly with girls who do the same hobby.

So this weekend, a group of 7 of us from the same hobby went to the beach - had a barbeque, drinking on the beach - overall we had a great time. I've known all of them for 6 months or more and get on great with them, although I am the oldest by about 3 years, and most of them are 20 or younger (the 3 girls in the group are 18 or 19). After we came back from the beach, 5 of us went to a pub, then 3 of us carried on to a club (a girl, a guy and me). We had a great time that evening and throughout the day (it'd been almost 12 hours together by that point).

Then the 7 of us met for breakfast the next day. Another one of the girls in the group said she was going to the cinema in the afternoon with some other friends, then the girl (who I was at the club with last night) said she would go to the cinema as well. She asked a few others in the group, including me, if they wanted to go to the cinema too. No-one else said yes - I had nothing else on that afternoon and I really like this girl (got on really well with her last night) so I don't know why the hell I said no. In my mind was the thing about her and her friend being 8 years younger than me (both in their first year of uni) so wouldn't want an older guy (who's not in uni) around - basically an excuse not to go. But I've seen myself the age differences there can be in relationships, particularly with younger girls dating much older guys (one example is an 18 year old dating a 50 year old).

Another example me backing out is that I finally made myself sign up to Plenty of Fish in the middle of last year and put alot of work into creating a decent profile. I've been a member for almost a year now and haven't sent any messages out - I just can't make myself do the first move. So basically I have no chance of getting anywhere on that website as I'm not sending any messages. I'm sure there's plenty more examples of this sort of thing in the past few years.

Basically, I think I've been protecting myself from getting in any relationship for almost 3 years now (because of the pain of that one breakup), and I think I just back away from situations subconsciously. I generally get on well with girls as friends though, and would really like to get out to meet and date girls. To start sorting myself out, I'm thinking about seeing a therapist / relationship counsellor so that I can talk through some of these issues and what I can do to resolve it - it's been this long so thinking I can't solve it by myself. Or another thing I could do is force look through all the messages and texts I kept from the girlfriend from 3 years ago - I've tried to do this many times but haven't just been able to do it, as remember the pain I felt from the breakup at the time. It might help to do this because there were some good times (so might improve my inner outlook on relationships) and I could learn something from how I developed the relationship at the time. When I think back to that time, I just remember the way it ended, not all the 6 good weeks before.

Sorry for the essay, but any advice would be appreciated. If nothing else, it feels good to write this stuff down and get it out - hope it's the start of something better.

Thanks
Dave

[KelE]

I think it would be a positive thing to have some counseling, maybe even just go once or twice. You might be surprised how enlightening it could be. You might discover what it is that is holding you back in your life. Life is short and you are 26 yrs old, which is young, but wasting time at any time in your life is a mistake that people end up regretting. It's important to feel at ease with yourself and understand yourself otherwise it is impossible for someone else to truly understand you, and without that a relationship doesn't have much hope.

[daj901]

Thanks, I'm sure you're right that counselling would be useful, and agree with everything else you say. Other things in my life are gettting sorted so time to focus on this area now. Cheers

[devonbrown]

Seeing a therapist is a good idea. If for no other reason than to break the overthinking cycle you have created in your head. Have you ever heard the expression "paralysis by analysis?" Basically it means that you think about things so much that it keeps you from every doing anything about it.

It is good to be thoughtful and self-aware, but it shouldn't keep you from living.

Don't worry so much about dating for the moment. Make sure you are good with yourself. Things will fall into place if you get yourself where you want to be.

Good luck.

[daj901]

Yeah, I have heard of that phrase - perhaps I do that sometimes as I do think alot. Maybe seeing a therapist will help with that as you say. I do write lists of things to do quite alot - those lists include dating but I never usually get around to it. Thanks