Nice girl syndrome

[jan100]

I've always felt that I was the nice girl next door. I have great female friends and I get along with people fairly well.

But when it comes to relationships, its a completely different dynamic.

In the past few months, I've been observing and self-analyzing what my issues are when it comes to relationships.

I've discovered that that I am just too nice OR either extremely passive when it comes to relationships (I'm sure its a mixture of both).

Yesterday, my bf and I decided to watch a movie, since it was months since we actually went out due to his busy schedule. I was, indeed, excited. I met him and I offered to buy dinner, since he paid for most of our dinner outings. But when I saw him, he appeared extremely exhausted and looked as if he was coming down with sthg. So, I felt bad and said that we should call it a night and watch a movie tomorrow or some other time. So, I suggested he go home- and he was thankful and sorry to ruin the date.I was fine (although a bit disappointed, but what could I do if he was sick?).

the next day, we met to go to the library (we're both grad students) and again he looked tired & admitted he was a bit tired- but was ok. So, I told him we could take a raincheck on the movie tonight again if he was feeling bad. And he agreed. Hours later, I changed my mind and said I really wanted to watch the movie and spend some time with him if he was still up for it.

He was angry and irritated that I was changing my mind so often.ok, ok, I admit it- I was in decisive and confusing him.

My only excuse: I just felt bad that he looked sick, so I was struggling to decide what would be the best. He didn't have much to say when I asked his thoughts.

So, yeah, it is partially my fault. I should've said one thing and stuck with it.

I think I was trying to be overly considerate and it back fired on me. Really, I feel like a complete idiot and...yeah... a bit hurt (although I do understand where it's coming from).

So, any tips on how to overcome this "nice girl" syndrome?? [/B]

[lahnnabell]

How often do you guys spend time together? Totally, including studying together, downtime, etc. Do you see each other every day? Perhaps he's feeling swamped and needs a bit of space to clear his head.

I used to study with my boyfriend in college. Very quickly, I had to give it up because he and I had two different styles. I would power through, pour over my research, and dutifully pound out my work. My boyfriend would spend hours agonizing over every little detail, and whine incessantly. He would eventually get his work done, but not before slamming his head against the desk for a few hours first. I couldn't deal with it after a while and resorted to doing my work solo. The stress of studying would always override what was originally supposed to be some version of quality time together. But the quality time you spend with your SO should be relieving and relaxing, not frustrating.

I recommend setting time aside SPECIFICALLY for the purpose of spending time together instead of trying to smash it all together.

[jan100]

We see each other when he has time, so there is no set time or date. I do have my own things to do, but it's not to the point that I can't find time for him.
He literally works in his lab 8-6 every weekday and afterwards he is so tired from work he probably wants time for himself. It's understandable. So, the weekends, we hang out together- for more work (his own work). So do I. Weekend is the perfect time to catch up on academic work, whereas on weekdays it's work focused on your professor's own project.

I do ask him that it would be nice to spend some quality time away from any kind of work. But I'm the one always initiating it. I ask him what he wants and he says,"whatever you want."
I admit it is a bit tiring to initiate everything and trying to be considerate of his time and physical condition.
I find myself just making plans for myself and my girlfriends these days. What's the point of this relationship when I am dating an unresponsive, unenthusiastic person.