I Can't Get My Boyfriend's Ex to Go AWAY

[Lessia]

Dear everyone, anyone!
Honestly, I'd really appreciate some help on this one.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year. We've also been having sex for a year, possibly irrelevant but I threw it in there just in case it is relevant.
Anyway, before me, he dated another girl for just over a year. They split last August (2007) and we started dating last October (2007).
They are coworkers because they both work for the city. They don't see each other all the time because they're at different facilities.
-He says he never loved her but he did say it to her.
-They had sex 4 times.
-They went to Cuba with her family.
-She texts him occasionally for a replacement when she can't work a shift.
-She texted him on his birthday and sent him a facebook msg, simultaneously at Midnight on his birthday.
-His family friend passed away and she sent him a msg with her condolences and offering to help out his mom who she new was close with the lady that passed.
-She claims her friend knows me and advised my bf not to continue our relationship bc I am an awful person and that he should take her back.

I KNOW I shouldn't take these things to heart and just brush them off. My boyfriend is so sweet and so caring and I know he'd never go back to her. BUT I just want her to lay off, every time she tries to step in I can't help but think of the time they had together, whats going through theirs minds, I feel like the outsider. We ran into her at a party last weekend and she leaned in preeetttyyy close to talk to him. I just want to know what I can do to tell her to leave us the f*ck alone.
I don't hate her because I know that if my boyfriend and I were to ever split, then I couldn't help still being in love with him too.
But what can I do, subtly, girl to girl, to tell her that:
-I say the happy birthdays now.
-That I make his mother feel better when bad things happen.
-That she shouldn't voice assumptions about me when she doesn't even know me.

I used to want payback for the sabotage she's attempting to create, and failing to. Now she's just getting annoying.

Help, Please & Thanks,
Happy Halloween

-Lessia

[vashti]

His mother is allowed to continue a relationship with her if they both choose to, and I don't see anything wrong with offerring birthday greetings or condolences. Really, the only thing I would consider mildly objectionable is that she said you are an awful person, and that is for your boyfriend to handle, not you. The only thing YOU should do is not behave like an awful person. Examples of that would include trying to control his interactions because of your jealousy.

Good luck.

[Lessia]

his mother does not want to, nor does she care to interact with her. she never liked her. i'm confident about my position in his life and with his family. i just dont like her trying to butt in. birthday wishes are not necessary nor appreciated from her.
i suppose i'm trying to justify "hit for hit", in which case her hits would be constantly trying to contact my boyfriend and also calling me an awful person. therefore, i guess i'm trying to find reason to hit her back. but at the same time i don't want to appear weak.... but also, i feel like im appearing weak by not acting at all and letting her continue. he does not try to contact her but is civil because of their work relationship.

[vashti]

Let his mom fight her own battles. If she really wants to get rid of this girl, I am sure she will figure out how to do it.

You do not appear weak for "letting" this happen. You appear unconcerned, and that is infinitely more powerful than insecurity.

Your boyfriend isn't doing his part. He is the one that needs to get rid of her (assuming she needs to be gotten rid of), not you.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Do you realize you're the only one hurting your head over this? There's no way you can girl to girl talk with her, IMO, unless you want some drama. The only way she will lay off is if your boyfriend takes the initiative to make her do so. Confronting her can turn out to be ugly, but hearing it from him would more make her lay off than you talking to her yourself.

[SexySam]

I feel if your confident in your relationship, then you should have nothing at all to worry about. My opinon only, so...

[IndiReloaded]

You're not confident about this, else you wouldn't be posting here.

So, now that the obvious is stated, yes it sounds like she is trying to sabotage things. You can't control that, but you CAN ask your BF to control himself & be respectful of your feelings as regards this gal.

He needs to stop responding to her attempts at contact. Eventually she will go away if she isn't getting a response. Ask him to do this, calmly and without drama. Its that simple.

[IndiReloaded]

Examples of that would include trying to control his interactions because of your jealousy.

I agree except for this. This other gal is obviously driving a wedge where she doesn't belong. Its inappropriate, IMO. I think the OP has a right to point this out & tell *her BF* to stop encouraging his ex.

[1sxybtch]

you're going to do more damage to the relationship by second guessing things than she is with whatever she's doing... trust him until you find out he can't be trusted.

[IndiReloaded]

LOL, I can't believe how some ppls advice is to simply blindly trust. Yes, trust is to be desired, however, its not to be given blindly either.

Trust, but verify. Whatever I see in life had better be consistent w/what I also think makes sense. Anyone who doesn't do this gets exactly what's coming to them. That's my motto.

[Hellfire]

You need to relax about the birthday wishes and condolences. She is allowed to send those things, and in the great scheme of things, they are totally harmless. There are far worse things she could be doing. You have to accept, like it or otherwise, that she was a part of your bf's life for a time. If you refuse to accept that this happened and is in the past now, you will turn green eyed and begin playing the part of 'awful person'.

If you attempt to take any of your concerns up with her personally, you will give her further ammunition to use against you. Like everyone's said, you need to keep a cool head and feel secure about your relationship. It is your boyfriend's responsibility to sever ties with her and you should be discussing your concerns with him.

[beans28]

I feel you on this topic - she needs to get off your man's balls. BUT HE has to TELL her to get off his balls. And if he doesnt care about her than he will. Tell him how you feel about it and tell him what you need him to do.

[Lessia]

OK great responses but i think I made some of my points unclear.
He does NOT respond to her msgs unless theyre work related, in which case he sometimes tries to incorporate me, ie: "yea sorry, can't take that shift, its the girlfriend's birthday."
I guess i get the whole not confronting her myself thing, i think deep down i get it bc if i truly believed it was the right thing to do then i would have done it sooner.
its the fact that no one from his family, not his mother, not his brother. Not hIM, contact her and she persists.
I want to look past his past and accept it but its hard when everywhere i turn she's trying to butt in and make amends.


funny fact: leaving work one day, she tried to drag race us at a light. hahaha...

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

BUT HE has to TELL her to get off his balls. And if he doesnt care about her than he will.

He doesnt have to not care for her, but more so value and respect his current relationship. But OP, he needs to straight out tell her to stay out of you guys' lives. Period. No hints, no trying to show signs of lack of interest, straight out say that she needs to lay off. But remember, let him do it, not you.

[IndiReloaded]

funny fact: leaving work one day, she tried to drag race us at a light. hahaha...

Awww, that's kinda sad, don't you think?

Mbe you should have your BF hook her up w/one of his friends? Sounds to me like she's a bit desperate. I bet if she finds a guy of her own then she'll leave yours alone. You could be a bit more intelligent about how you solve problems, IMO.

Oh, and be absolutely sure he isn't encouraging her at all. Do have that talk w/him.