boyfriend's ex, need advice

[falling]

My boyfriend and I have been dating a little over 3 years now, minus a few short break-ups along the way. I am completely in love with him and have given him everything, my entire heart.

So, here’s the dilemma, he cannot seem to let go of his past, including his ex-girlfriend, his first love. Each of the three times we broke up was about her in some way.

A short back-story:
They dated when they were around 14 or 15 for about a year (we’re now in our 20s). They have both dated other people since. They have hardly spoken to or seen each other over the years and live completely different lives. They’re both different people from when they dated each other. But for some reason, every now and then it seems they need to reassure themselves of that.

Every time we broke up was because he wasn’t sure if he still loved her or not and needed to see if what he felt for her was real, or if it was just first ‘love’ nostalgia. Of course, I didn’t always know this was the reason at the time. Each break-up only lasted a couple of weeks or just a few days before he would essentially beg me to be with him again. He would always convince me that he really didn’t love her, he just missed his early teenage years that were free of responsibilities, and she just happened to be part of that time. He claimed to just be confusing the feelings and assured me that he was in love with me and only me.

I never instantly took him back but eventually we were always able to move forward. We have always been there for each other through the hardest times in each of our lives and we always support one another. We share a deep physical and emotional connection that can’t easily be broken.

Back to the problem, lately I can’t seem to shake the feeling that this is all about to happen again, for a forth time. He has started saying things and acting the way he did before each break-up, i.e. constantly talking about when he was younger, and seeming to hold back emotionally from me.

We actually discussed all these things again recently, as I was noticing all too familiar signs, but he promises that he is completely in love with me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He hasn’t spoken with his ex for over a year (they have seen each other from time to time because we do have some similar friends), but claims that he has no desire or intention of ever speaking to her again.

I have stressed numerous times that I do not want to be with someone who isn’t in love with me, or is constantly thinking about someone else. Or, can’t be honest with me or with themselves.

My intuition was right every single time before, but for some reason I keep second guessing myself because I do believe him, or maybe I just want to believe him.
Sometimes I can’t help but feel like I’m just being dragged along for the ride until something better comes along, or if he could find a way to make it work with his ex. If he has doubts about me or loves someone else, I’d rather him be fair to me and tell me.

Is he being truthful or is this just going to be a never-ending cycle? I don’t know what to do or what to believe, I desperately need some advice.

[Gigabitch]

I don't think it's really about her so much as it's about him wanting some space and invoking her hated name to ward you off. He knows by now that she is the number one thing that will piss you off and he's using her to manipulate your relationship.

Try not to focus on her at all and just look at what HE is doing. He is threatening the fundamental existence of your relationship. He's done it three times. You're right about the fact that he'll probably do it again.

Next time he goes, don't take him back.

[falling]

It's not really like that though. He hasn't brought her up at all, just his past in general. Which is where the "what HE is doing" part comes in because before it ultimately all led back to her. It always happened after she was around more than usual too, which seems to be the case lately because like I said we do have mutual friends.

But I agree, it's not about her, it's about him. She and I actually do talk and get along just fine.

I just don't think that he's trying to piss me off or anything like that because he doesn't even realize that he is doing things that are reminiscent of the times before one of our break-ups. He's doesn't act angry at all, he just seems to long for the past.

If it's happening again, I just want to know ahead of time I guess so I can save myself some pain. My biggest fear is that he honestly feels that he loves us both. But what if that actually is the case after all this time? Is it truly possible to have that strong of feelings for 2 people, or is he just confused and need to figure out how to differentiate from love and first 'love' feelings?

Either way, if it does happen again, I'm done.

[cmacattack1]

It's an ugly thing getting wrapped in that cycle of breaking up, getting back together over and over and things still don't change. It probably will happen again like the Giga said, and the reason why it keeps happening is because he (and maybe you, maybe) isn't being honest about feelings and he is just desparate to have you back when the split occurs.

If you do break up again, like she said, don't take him back again. At least for a good while (3 months is usually a good amount). If you still have honest feelings for him, then I guess take it from there. It's extremely difficult for people to grow and change when they are in relationships: you have each other to lean on and "take you for who you are" with each other's inadequacies and insecurities.

[falling]

I really want an honest answer from him instead of waiting around and guessing.

Should I bring this up to him? If we're ultimately heading towards another repeat, I'd rather know about it now.

Is it possible for someone to have such strong feelings for 2 completely different people? I mean I have a first 'love' too from when I was young, but I would never second guess or risk losing my relationship now over him. I'll always care for him in a way but it doesn't even compare to how I feel about my boyfriend now. You grow up, you move on. Why can't my boyfriend seem to do that?

[lahnnabell]

Don't you hate when one of the dreaded exes rears its ugly head? My exes have absolutely nothing on the psychosis of my boyfriend's exes. I remained friends with several of my exes and it is friendship, nothing more, no desire for more. The moment my boyfriend's exes found out about me they started pouring out of the woodwork. Texting him "I miss you!" and "Let's get coffee!"

Regardless of all of the riff-raff, my guy was devoted to building something with me and stayed strong. He's been a friend to several exes and sort-of-exes through that time, but always makes sure that they all know who is priority. It took him a few years of selfish behavior and being an asshole for him to see the error of his ways, and so by the time he and I met, he was ready to begin something serious with someone new. No BS involved.

Sounds like your guy hasn't had enough of a chance to grow up, hence his longing for the good ol' days. I agree that if he decides to call for another break that you should sit him down and say, "Look. I get why you do this, but you need to know that it hurts me. I will not be taking you back this time." Either he's gonna say, "Yeah, I get it" and call your bluff, or he'll be texting you the moment he leaves you, admitting to his giant mistake. Either way, you will hear from him again, and you will have to stand strong. What he is doing is not fair to you, but he doesn't understand that.