I was emotionally abusive

[irags19]

My girlfriend has moved out. We have two small children. She says that it's a pattern. I say what I need to keep her around, but don't fulfill my promises. Things got bad the same way after the births of both our kids. I didn't really take responsibility for enough and she's found herself overloaded. I know this is very selfish. She has tried (maybe not always the right way) to reach out to me and warned me that things were getting bad. While it's my fault we're in the position that she is feeling this way, I feel like neither of us addressed our problems the right way.

At times I've started getting very angry whenever we had disagreements. I have resorted to name calling, belittling, and blame. I realize that this has worn her thin. To be reduced to nothing at the end of some days can drain a person and make them question the reasons for this. We had an argument a week ago and she left for the night. I realized at that point that I needed to make a change and am 100% committed to doing that. I've been getting help all week, looking for ways to get myself out of this hole. But she decided after the first night, to stay away another night. After that, she decided to move out. I want her to come back.

I've suggested she come back and I will take some time away and live with a family member and actively work on my problems. She doesn't think it's a good idea. I've suggested I seek counseling and that we see somebody together, but she only said she'd think about it. She wants to find her own place and thinks that the only way to keep our children from growing up in a household like they have been, is to separate. She doesn't think I can change. Any women there been in this position? I know she loves me still, she said so herself. I know that she would prefer we could be together but just feels like it would not be beneficial or healthy. What can I do? I'm trying to change and I feel like I'm making a lot of progress already. I feel like the only way she'll see that is by sticking it out. How can I prove it to her, when the problems arise from us being in a relationship. Is this just a matter of me giving her some time to let her anger and resentment subside?

[isolde.darling]

Maybe you need anger management classes. Meanwhile though, why don't you let her blow off some steam first? Maybe after a week or two that's the time you can contact her again.

[irags19]

Maybe you need anger management classes. Meanwhile though, why don't you let her blow off some steam first? Maybe after a week or two that's the time you can contact her again.

I'm looking to see a counselor as soon as possible about my emotional abuse and anger. I want to eliminate that from my life. It's not who I was or want to be. She doesn't seem to be reacting to that though

[smackie9]

This is part of your problem....you just can't leave it alone. I told you, you need to back off, get your counseling going, change your life. If she wants to contact you and revisit starting over, that will be UP TO HER.

It is going to take months before you will see any reaction from her.....she is still emotionally raw from it dude, she needs time to heal.

btw posting multiple threads shows me you are not hearing what you want to hear. The answers are not going to change.

[irags19]

This is part of your problem....you just can't leave it alone. I told you, you need to back off, get your counseling going, change your life. If she wants to contact you and revisit starting over, that will be UP TO HER.

It is going to take months before you will see any reaction from her.....she is still emotionally raw from it dude, she needs time to heal.

btw posting multiple threads shows me you are not hearing what you want to hear. The answers are not going to change.

You're right. What I want to hear is that there is some way to change her mind. I'm afraid for my children. My daughter is already confused. Constantly asking when her mom's coming. Telling me she doesn't want to be here. I suppose I'm not very strong as I feel like I can't cope with hearing that. Also afraid that she'll never see that I've changed without giving me a chance. I want her to be there to see it happen.

[smackie9]

Get your kids into counseling too. You shouldn't be handling this on your own.

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Also afraid that she'll never see that I've changed without giving me a chance. I want her to be there to see it happen.

This just may be a reality unfortunately. You need to learn to accept the things you cannot change,
courage to change the things that you can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

[HeartIsAching]

I was that guy. Counseling changed my life. I highly recommend you go with it. Be patient, it'll take a minimum of six months before it really starts to make a change.

Besides that - smackie's dead on accurate.

[irags19]

I was that guy. Counseling changed my life. I highly recommend you go with it. Be patient, it'll take a minimum of six months before it really starts to make a change.

Besides that - smackie's dead on accurate.

I am hoping to make phone calls tomorrow to find someone. Can you give me any advice on what kind of person to see and what kind of questions I might need to ask to find somebody that will be best for me? I'm not sure if with this kind of issue, I should see a man or a woman, or if that really matters.

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Smackie, my daughter is 3 years old. She's also very smart. I hate this for her. Is she too young for counseling? I've tried to speak to her but I don't think she understands how to convey what she might be thinking. I think it's all a little over her head. All I know is that she just continues to ask to see mommy and it breaks my heart to feel like she just doesn't want to be here.

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Also, I know you say six months. What I hate is, like I can sit here right now and acknowledge how I could have done things differently. What I don't understand, and I guess counseling will help with that, is why I wasn't able to overcome my negativity to be a positive and loving person to the woman that means more to me than anything.

[HeartIsAching]

I don't think it really matters... I was in group therapy (court-ordered) for a year, some of my counselors were female, some of them male.

If you were in the Bay Area in California I know where I'd send you.

[irags19]

I wish I was. Several of my friends have pointed me in the direction of a few people. My daughter's godfather's mother is a counselor that I know helped a friend with depression, I don't know if it'd be a bad thing to ask to speak with her. I know that she wouldn't have any sort of bias you know, I just don't know if she'd be comfortable with that.

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Also, just wondering. I live in Louisiana, and I'm noticing when I look at a lot of people's listings, that they have religious tendencies. I'm not really sure how I feel about that. I am not and haven't been actively religious in my adulthood. My father (who was never remotely religious) recently turned to God and has advised me to do the same. But when it comes to counseling, do I really want somebody who's going to suggest that might be the solution, when what I'm looking for is a more practical and idk, scientific or medical or psychologically based?

[HeartIsAching]

I'd steer clear of ones that make a point of listing their religious affiliation. I live in Texarkana now, so I'm not too far from you and totally understand the trials of living in the bible belt.