Just broke up with my boyfriend, did i do the right thing??

[Loona]

Ok so this is going to be long and take a while to get to my point but if you read it all and reply with any advice then i would be really grateful. Ok so I never got any qualifications from school, never went to college and have suffered from depression since i was 19 but i have worked. I met someone through a friend of a friend when i was 19 who was 24. We clicked instantly and it was as if we had known each other all our lives. The day after we met we spent the night in a hotel room and he drove me home the next morning and kissed me goodbye and i thought that would be the end of it, a one night stand but he rang, asked if i wanted to go for a drive so i said yeah and we decided we were a couple, i thought why not give it a try. 2 weeks after we met i finally got my own little flat and he helped me to decorate and stayed with me every night on the floor until i got my stuff out of storage and he helped me move in and once everything was in he became very clingy always coming over in the morning to see me only to have to double back on himself to go to work and he would come over after work and stay till 2 in the morning or ended up staying over night and i was starting to get really annoying, i was never left alone. Then about 3 month later my mam moved in due to being homeless and moving from one friend to another and he carried on the same, staying late and stuff and she was getting really annoyed as she had to be up at 5am for work and he was stopping her from going to bed or kept waking her up so we started going out every night and eating at McDonalds and after a few month we both put on a lot of weight, not surprising. So about a year later my mam finally got her own flat 10 mins down the road from me and he instantly thought he was moving in with me and i told him i wanted to try living on my own first even though i knew it would be hard being on benefits but he kept pushing and pushing and after 2 days i finally caved in just to shut him up but i never really wanted him to, i couldn't see us going anywhere as i never really wanted to be with him. It instantly felt like we had been married for 40 year as we already knew just about everything about each other and we were really close and things were going ok. We done the housework and went shopping and i made him his tea when he came on from work and then after a few months i started to get bored with doing all the cooking and he wasn't doing much housework so it was left up to me and i started to get the impression that if he works and im in the house all day then i should be doing all the cooking and cleaning, basically old school being treated like a house wife while he works and i wasn't having any of it so i stopped doing the house work some days to prove a point that i shouldn't be treat like that and that he should clean up his own mess instead of leaving it up to me and i only cooked his tea on some nights and he never said anything about it. Then he gradually became more annoying, leaving piles of crusty socks down his side of the bed, hanging his jacket on the back of the sofa, leaving slippers and shoes lying round, i almost broke my ankle or neck quite a few times. He used to never put anything back where he got it from, it was always left out just lying round. He would dump useless and pointless stuff allover the place, receipts and unopened letters left on the table or fireplace, copper just lying round, bits of paper here and there, piles of dvds on top of the tv, his work stuff on the kitchen bench, was constantly having to go round and pick up after him, it was like living with a toddler and i was getting so sick of it, i was just constantly nagging and shouting at him all the time and was so fed up. Then there was bigger things he done like insisting on emptying the contents of his lungs in the bathroom sink every morning due to him being a heavy smoker which is disgusting and he would sometimes forget to rinse it away which i would find. He never paid his share of the bills on time or he just skimped on them, never done any housework unless i nagged him into it and he would just do a few dishes what were in front of him, never looked round for all the others and he never done them properly i always had to redo them. If he cleaned the kitchen i would have to go over it because it wasn't done properly, same with the hoovering and polishing. All he was interested in was watching tv or films or he was always on the psp/ps2/xbox playing football or playing on his phone or laptop and i got sick of it but i never said anything, just nagged because i don't know how to talk when there's a problem i just bottle everything up until i explode. I was always in a bad mood as soon as i saw him because of all his annoying things and i spoke to him like he was the most disgusting thing i ever stepped in and he never seemed bothered, his attention was always elsewhere. Then about 2 year into out relationship if you could call it that, i had a bad accident after i stupidly tripped over and i almost snapped both my ankles, badly damaged my knee and lower back and i really had trouble walking. My mum was around a lot to help with the housework and stuff and he didn't even try to help when she wasn't there. After 2 days of being stuck on the sofa i was trying to do housework and was limping about like a idiot and he went on the sofa and played football because im stubborn and don't like help. So during this time he bought me some dope because i used to like getting stoned when i was young and he thought it would help with the pain and cheer me up and i instantly started smoking it a lot, like 10-15 joints a day and he liked it because i was chilled out all the time and didn't nag him as much and then i put on more weight and my depression got worse and i started taking ephedrine to loose the weight but they didn't work until i started taking double what i was meant to and started exercising. When they kicked in after a couple of weeks i started to go a loopy then he pissed me off one day and i snapped and told him i had enough of all his crap lying around and that he done nothing but annoy me and that i wanted to break up with him. He was gutted and he was crying, saying he was sorry and that he would change and that i was crazy off the drugs and my depression didn't help and didn't want this and that he was phoning an ambulance to get me some help so i ran off till they left. When i went back he convinced me it was the drugs and i felt really sorry for him so i took him back even though i wasn't sure i wanted to. We had a good talk and got everything off our chests and things seemed much better. I had a death scare off the combination and amount of drugs i was talking and instantly stopped the ephedrine but carried on the dope. So things went on as normal and he was good, doing more housework and cleaning, being helpful and stuff then a few month later went back to being a lazy messy slob and was more interested then ever in his football games. He only went in the bath once or twice a week because he was on his footy constantly till like 1am then going to bed for work the next day because he was too tired to even brush his teeth and he would brush them in the morning which i don't agree with because im very big on personal hygiene and he just seems to have non, he always stunk and i found it disgusting.
So the nagging and arguing came back worse, as did the bad moods at the very sight of him but i still never had the balls to say anything for fear or hurting him again like i did when i split up with him but i was so down and stressed and fed up all the time. So fast forward 3 years of that, still smoking dope to block him out, sitting in the house day in day out staring at the same 4 walls with no friends and no one to talk to except him and my mum, stewing all day driving myself up the wall and 4 days ago i finally blew and broke up with him and he was so gutted and i felt soo bad but i had been dying to say it for a long time. I told him that i do love him very much but hes more like my best mate than anything else and that im not in love with him but he doesn't see the difference. He asked me if i fancied him and i said no but he is good looking and he thinks that if hes good looking and that i do love him on some level that it's enough but i don't think it is. He says he thought we were going to grow old together and have a family. I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks back in January 2 days after his 29th birthday and hes wanting a child even more now because we thought that one or both of us didn't work, but he was really happy knowing that we do but i don't really like kids and i was kind of glad that it happened because i was only going to have it to please him and his parents who are in there 60's and desperate for a grandchild before its too late. He was upset by this but still thinks it can work. We had a really good talk, he took the day off and got everything off our chests, went out for some lunch and he thought everything was alright then the next day i thought, hes done it again, sweet talked me round but i need to stand my ground. So the next day when he came home he went to kiss me and i backed off and told him we weren't alright and that i really wanted him to move out and give us a break. Weve seen each other every day for 5 year since the first day we met and i just think its time to part. He started crying again and saying i was his soul mate and he's never loved anybody the way he loves me, that im all he ever thinks about and that he wants to make me happy and see a smile on my face. He thought he was in love before but it was nothing like this he says. He loves hearing my voice it makes him smile and warm and fuzzy inside and when he sees me and thinks about me he gets butterfly's in his stomach. But when i think about him i feel nothing and don't think its fair on him to be with someone who doesn't love him the way he loves them but he says he doesn't care, he would quite happily be with me knowing i don't truly love him hoping that one day it might grow. He says to prove how much he loves me he will do anything, he will buy the paint and new stuff we need to decorate the flat as its badly in need, he would buy the new tv we wanted, he would buy the new fridge freezer and bed we need, anything i want i can have it. He says he would pay all of the bills including the cooker we got what he was supposed to pay for but left up to me to struggle with. I know he's genuine in saying this because hes had the kick up his backside that he needed but i don't want to take him back just for his money even though i cant afford the place on my own without a job and he knows this and says he will still help me but i said no, i need to sort myself out, get a job and find my own two feet and try living on my own and a break for us will be good, it will either make or break us. He has high hopes for us, he thinks im going to realize that Ive made a mistake and when i do realize, no matter how far down the line it is he will be waiting for me, even if 20 years down the line hes married with kids he will take me back in a heartbeat.I told him about the spell that i done a couple of year back and he thinks that may be the reason why he feels the way he does for me, he says he cant get me out of his head but its never seemed like that, its always been football. He says even if we don't live together we can start afresh and go slowly, he just wants to be with me and i said we'll see. So yesterday he moved out back to his parents and he's stuck in a tiny room with no space at all, its got a single bed without a proper mattress and hes living out of bags. I feel so horrible for sending him back to that, i thought he would at least have somewhere to put his clothes and a decent bed to sleep on but no, he's probably better off sleeping in his car. So I've told him that he can still come over and we can still do things together and be mates and stuff but i think he will find it really hard, its easy for me because that's how i see him. He's been texting and ringing last night and today and he seems ok but he's hating it and so am i. I'm not really sure if I've done the right thing breaking up with him, if he wasn't so annoying and messy i could carry on living with him even though im not in love with him and Ive never really gotten over someone i used to be head over heels for back in school, i have mine and his nicknames tattooed on the insides of each ankle and i think about him every day and i get butterfly's when i think about him, even though i know there would never ever be a chance with him i cant help but love him and i think that's gotten in the way of this relationship. So yeah, just over 5 years gone down the drain and im really not sure if ive made a huge mistake. My mum thinks the break will do us good but i know i cant cope on my own and ive never been alone before and im scared to be alone, i was a mess last night, my imagination just goes wild and i scare the hell out of myself but i dont want that and money to be a reason to be with somebody, im not a gold digger or money grabber. Im really really confused, even my mother isnt giving me advice on what i should do. I feel really horrible for what ive dont and cant really believe ive done it either but at the same time im not really gutted or anything, i dont feel hurt, just guilty. Ive always had trouble with my feelings and have always been like a stone cold robot when it comes to emotions so i dont know what im feeling but i do keep thinking ive made a mistake and lost possibly the best and only good thing that will ever happen to me but i just dont know if i love him that way. What should i do? What would you do? Do i struggle on my own and try to find a job while facing the possibility of loosing my home depending on how long it takes or do i say sorry, take him back and be financially secure and find a job then if it still doesnt work then at least i wouldnt struggle because i would be working, even though thats the wrong option. He's never been bothered that i havent worked for 3 or 4 year, he thinks im too delicate for the outside world and he says he likes working to provide for us but i just dont know. I've lost my best friend, even though he's still around and kissing and cuddling me. What do you guys think?

[Davros]

I don't know what you're asking.
Pretty much all of what you just said is talking about how much you don't lobe the guy, how he repulses you and how you don't feel any sort of warm fuzzys when you think about him.
There is absolutely not even the slightest tiniest reason to stay with him.
He's a grown up so he will deal with living back at his mums that stuff just has to happen - dont stay with him because you feel sorry for him. On the money front - it's really not a good idea to rely on a guy for money, women are strong and independent, we don't need no man to provide for us. Get a job and you'll meet new friends, put this guy to the back of your mind and move on. You will find someone that you will feel warm and fuzzy about, who you want to see all the time and who makes you crazy happy.