Boyfriend Dumped Me Out Of Nowhere - Just In Need of Some Advice

[Pancakes]

Hey everyone, I apologize in advance for the long story but I need help.

Just a quick back story: My boyfriend and I had dated for 3 and a half years, then another 8 months after a year and a half break. We had a long distance relationship while I was in school, and during that break he enlisted in the navy. A few months before he left for boot camp he begged me to visit, wanting to work things out and in August, a week before he left, I gave in and agreed to work things out, regardless of where he was stationed. It turns out he got medically discharged but our relationship was still strong and we saw each other every month, with me traveling down on 12 hour bus rides from school to see him.

Now, just over a month ago, he found out he caught chlamydia and he automatically blamed me, so I went and got tested. While we waited for my results he said he still loved me, it was just a lot to deal with and needed time to think. He would text me and joke around and said it was fine if I had given it to him because it could be cleared. Then his cousin came home from school for spring break, and he was out partying and stopped talking to me (which is normal on weekends because when he's drinking with friends he loses the ability to text message me apparently, but I trusted him so it was all okay.. or so I thought). My tests came back negative so I messaged him, and his mood changed. I would get one word answers, he was rude, and no more I love you's or even really any acknowledgment. I later found out he was going around telling everyone he didnt have a girlfriend because he didnt settle. It took me messaging his mom to see if she knew anything and subsequently her messaging him before I even got a lousy break up text.. with about a million excuses why he felt he couldnt be with me (ranging from he never got to see me.. even though 1. I was down every few weeks, 2. the navy's distance would have been much worse, and 3. I had 3 weeks of school left before we were set to live together... which I should mention was his idea, and he used the excuse that he just grew apart from me. Over the course of a weekend of partying).

Now I'm not stupid and know he obviously cheated, but I was willing to work and talk it out and figure out what happened (I was more relieved I didnt have anything than being mad about it).. but he made it clear I was nothing to him over night. What hurts was I had just been with him right before the STD break out and things were good. He even mentioned about me moving in, how school was almost done for me so we would be together soon (again, the moving in was all his idea to start with... I did not pressure him).

Im just confused how someone's mood could snap so quickly, and can't figure out what I did wrong. I was always there when he needed me, there through every major event in his life. He just dropped and forgot me. Now he;s stopped going to work, and spends every waking moment with friends, partying and drinking, and has taken up smoking whole packs of cigarettes at a time. As of a about a week ago he started hanging around a new girl that his cousin was friends with and has posted pictures of him waking up in her bed, sending flirty messages etc. (and yes I know I caused my own pain there by looking and it's not my business who he's sleeping with now)

I'm just hurt and confused at how quickly he erased me from his memory, after 5 years.. even during out break he would message me all the time begging me to come see him etc. and now I'm just nothing.. he's moved on to a girl he's hung out with for a week, all 3 weeks after breaking up with me. I should also note she just got out of a relationship and still has serious drama with her ex (something he always used to complain about was women and drama.. that's why he loved being with me)

I just don't know how I should feel, or what I did wrong. Could his friends have influenced him? Or did he really fall out of love over the course of a weekend? I really don't know why he waited a few weeks before I was set to be with him for him to realize the distance was too much (even though he was willing to do it for 4 years if he was stationed overseas in the navy...)

I havent contacted him, Ive given him the space he made it clear he wanted, and I'm trying to be strong. I also just recently found out he has brought this new girl home to meet him mom 2 nights ago.. all of this within a week of meeting her. He has also posted things like "I wouldn't trade you for the world <3".. All this after making it clear to all his friends (when he was still with me) that women aren't as important to him as beer and friends and cars etc. It just hurts that he could write that to her on a public site within a week, and I wasn't even worthy of an actual break up.

I just was hoping for some friendly advice about what all this means. I'm just confused and hurt and wondering if I really was that easy to replace.

Thanks!

On a side note: he usually confides in his mother about a lot of things, and even she was confused about what went wrong. She messaged me the other day asking how I was, saying she wished I would hear from him and that he has a lot of growing up to do.. so this all was really so unlike him and out of the blue.

[smackie9]

What went wrong? It was long distance! Long distance should only be temporary, not going on for years. Plus people just lose interest in their relationships and desire something new. There was nothing you could have done to stop it from happening, it just happens. As far as over night, no it didn't happen over night, he's been wanting out for awhile, and it wouldn't surprise me that he has cheated on you many times before. That's why long distance is stupid. It's so easy for anyone to cheat without getting caught.

Too late now to ponder over what happened, it's over. Cut off all contact, delete him off FB, delete all numbers related to him, and start a new chapter in your life. The quicker you remove him, the easier it will be to heal and move on.

[lonewolf47]

from the way he changed views and ideas is obvious that you are better of without him. He is to unstable, and i have a feeling that he will try to come back to you. Dont fell for it.

[Wakeup]

He had chlamydia... you, yourself did not. Add the obvious conclusion to that plus the fact that he drinks, smokes, finds that more important then anything and is about as mature as a three day old.. well, you've dodged a bullet.

You're young (I assume since you're still in school) in time you'll realize what a twat this guy was. You broke up with him already once. Don't make the mistake of taking him back again when his "new" relationship hits the skids. Dude is NOT good long term relationship material so try your best to get over him. Realizing what a lousy LIFEpartner he actually is will help you to more quickly get to the stage of indifference to him as will NOT creeping his social networking sites and NOT continuing to speak to his mother. Zero contact in ALL ways, luv.

Feel better soon.

[Pancakes]

Thank you for all your replies!

I definitely agree with the long distance, and after the navy discharge incident, we remained together because I was finished school for good within a couple of months and could mae the trek down to see him every few weeks until then. I would not have continued to date him if we had to continue the long distance because you're right, it's definitely hard.

As for the seeming to change overnight, I only say that because I was with him a week before the outbreak occured and everything was the same as it always had been. Even when he found out about the STD our relationship was still okay. It wasn't until I messaged him that I was clean that he took 6 hours to respond and his attitude and mood towards me completely snapped. I would get one word answers, barely any acknowledgement, and he just suddenly stopped loving me. I had asked him when after he had found out about the STD and we were waiting for my results if he wanted to break up and he had told me no I still love you (this was 3 days before my results came back). So it was just completely out of left field. Like mentioned, we've broken up once before and it was obvious when he grew distant, it was completely different this time. Even his mother (who he usually confides everything in) was confused and shocked. So I'm just so confused by it. It's just frustrating to not know what happened or whether it was something I did.

I've since not only blocked but deleted my social media outlets. It just crushed me to see him move on so fast and so intensely. It definitely does not make a person feel great about themselves. She's getting all this praise after one week, and after 5 years and all the effort and support I gave him, he never once did anything like that to acknowledge me, so it definitely stings.

I'm only 23 years old, so I know there's still time to find someone etc. It just hurts that I've known him since I was 17 years old, and after everything together (and everything I stood by him for) I was dropped and forgotten.. he couldnt even be bothered with actually breaking up with me (he just ignored me after finding out I was clean.. it took his me asking his mother if she had heard from him and her subsequently messaging him for him to actually send me a text message).

I appreciate the advice from everyone. It's just been really hard to deal with, so being able to talk it out is helping a lot. Thank you all!

[Wakeup]

Thank you for all your replies!

I definitely agree with the long distance, and after the navy discharge incident, we remained together because I was finished school for good within a couple of months and could mae the trek down to see him every few weeks until then. I would not have continued to date him if we had to continue the long distance because you're right, it's definitely hard.

As for the seeming to change overnight, I only say that because I was with him a week before the outbreak occured and everything was the same as it always had been. Even when he found out about the STD our relationship was still okay. It wasn't until I messaged him that I was clean that he took 6 hours to respond and his attitude and mood towards me completely snapped. I would get one word answers, barely any acknowledgement, and he just suddenly stopped loving me. I had asked him when after he had found out about the STD and we were waiting for my results if he wanted to break up and he had told me no I still love you (this was 3 days before my results came back). So it was just completely out of left field. Like mentioned, we've broken up once before and it was obvious when he grew distant, it was completely different this time. Even his mother (who he usually confides everything in) was confused and shocked. So I'm just so confused by it. It's just frustrating to not know what happened or whether it was something I did.

I've since not only blocked but deleted my social media outlets. It just crushed me to see him move on so fast and so intensely. It definitely does not make a person feel great about themselves. She's getting all this praise after one week, and after 5 years and all the effort and support I gave him, he never once did anything like that to acknowledge me, so it definitely stings.

I'm only 23 years old, so I know there's still time to find someone etc. It just hurts that I've known him since I was 17 years old, and after everything together (and everything I stood by him for) I was dropped and forgotten.. he couldnt even be bothered with actually breaking up with me (he just ignored me after finding out I was clean.. it took his me asking his mother if she had heard from him and her subsequently messaging him for him to actually send me a text message).

I appreciate the advice from everyone. It's just been really hard to deal with, so being able to talk it out is helping a lot. Thank you all!

Do you not think that since he had an STD and you did not that he has been cheating on you? I think he thought YOU would break up with him since he obviously got said STD from someone else and he thought you would put two and two together.

I think he'll come sniffing back to you when the "thrill" is gone with this new thing he has going on. DON'T answer his calls, texts, emails, faxes, letters via carrier pigeon. Doing so will undo any progress you've made in reaching the stage of indifference to him and what he's doing.

He's not worth you going back to. You are much more mature and grounded then he apparently is and you can do better even if it doesn't seem like that right now.

E-hugs.

[Pancakes]

Thank you for your support (and hugs!)

I definitely know he cheated, I just didn't know it wasn't from me until I got my results back (since most women don't experience symptoms there was a chance I could have caught it while we had been broken up). I wasn't mad about him having the STD, hurt yes, mad no... I was more relieved to not have it or given it than anything. In my opinion, after 5 years together, I just think a conversation about what happened would have been my course of action before deciding to end our years together. It just hurt that before I could even say how I felt about everything that he was the one to just drop me, when I was clean!

The sad part is, I would've done anything for that boy, he meant so much to me. It just kills me inside to have it seem like i was dropped, forgotten and replaced. I do promise to keep trying to be strong and I won't answer if by some chance he does come back. It's not worth being used and tossed again.

Thank you again for everything!

[lonewolf47]

It's not worth being used and tossed again.

Exactly, nobody worths to be treated this way. Stay strong!

[Pancakes]

Thank you, I'm trying my best to stay strong. Hurts like hell though.

It's just hard to wrap my head around how he jumped into a new relationship so quickly and managed to have it escalate so fast (especially when the break up did not seem too calculated) and not try to feel blameless and like there was something wrong with me (and logically I know this isn't true, just hard to get my heart to feel that way). I understand there's the chance he's had a crush on her before hand etc. and I know he owes me no explanation and I don't expect one from him. It just hurts to see him actually start hanging out and being with this girl for less than a week and already praise her as the greatest thing ever, who he wouldnt trade for the world. I know I don't know this girl, so I don't hold judgement against her... it's definitely not her fault this happened (especially considering that up until 2 weeks ago she herself had been in a serious relationship), but I just can't help but feel like a piece of garbage. I gave him my all and we went through so much, and I never got that sort of treatment, or praise on these social media sites (and i reiterate, I have since blocked and deleted these).

She even still hangs out with her ex, keeps in contact, and has mood swings.. one day posting about how broken she feels and the next shes posting about my ex and how she would never give him up etc. She has all this drama, which is understandable post break up, but what gets me is he would constantly bitch and complain about how much he hated that in women, and why he felt so lucky to have me.. that i was one of the few girls with "wife material". He initiated and had all these plans for us up until the results came back and now I just can't help but wonder what I did wrong. He's just done a complete 180 on his life.. no job, always at her place having fun and hanging out and partying.. he's throwing away so much potential and it crushes me to think what if I'm to blame? Logically I know I did nothing wrong, just how suddenly everything from the break up to now has happened just doesn't feel good at all.

I'm not holding out for a "yes this is exactly what it is" because there's no way to ever tell and I know it might not be the case nor will it change the current situation, but for my own sanity and self esteem, and I guess to hear it from someone else, is there any chance at all this could be a rebound or transfer of feelings to move on? Or was it that I was just extremely easy to forget and replace after 5+ years together?

I really appreciate everyone on here letting me vent out my feelings, confusion, and hurt. I couldn't keep it bottled in any longer and it feels great to have an outlet for all these jumbled thoughts going through my head. The advice is really helping a lot, and I am taking it all to heart. So I sincerely thank all you have posted thus far!

[lonewolf47]

your ex dosent make much sense, but my ex girlfriend make even less.. she told me that she wanted to break-up with me becase she felt insecure with me. 3 days later she calls me back and says that all this was her own insecurities, yes, i tell her you are more used in been insecure and security makes you feel.. well insecure! she agreed that i was right and wanted to be with me again but i couldn't. I dint feel secure with her any more. How that about confusing?

[michelle23]

You dodged a bullet here OP. Be thankful you didnt catch anything off the scumbag. Cut all contact with him now, realize hes not going to change and be strong enough to say no if he comes crawling back. Why would you even consider forgiving a cheat? He didnt even have enough respect for you to be safe about it and caught a disease! Seriously girl you need to have more self respect and realize you can do so much better than this asshole. And never do long distance again

[Pancakes]

I haven't made any contact with him since he broke it off. I wouldn't forgive him for cheating now because of his reaction and how quickly he moved on, but at the time I wasn't willing to oversee it and easily forgive it, but up until last month we had a really strong relationship, so I thought it was at least worth a conversation to figure out what happened. Apparently he figured our relationship was worth just ignoring and forgetting. It's my own fault for caring too much, but it still definitely hurt. It;s hard to have self respect when he seemed to throw me away so easily and move so fast with this new girl. But I won't give up and I'll continue to do my best to keep strong and move on. LIke I said, I only did the long distance because we had so little time left before I was done school and could move, but I agree with the not doing the LDR again.

Thank you for your reply! I appreciate the response

[smackie9]

Tip: parents don't usually know what their adult children are up to or will not admit they know something. When my mom knew of my brother's affair, my mom kept her mouth shut and stayed out of it....it's possible your ex's mother knew but wasn't about to get involved.

[Pancakes]

Oh I know that's definitely possible, but just the way she reacted when I talked to her, she was genuinely hurt and angry and upset, so it seems very unlikely she knew anything. I also don't think she would have confessed to her wishing he would talk to me and ask him about me all the time if she had known what he felt and if he had a new girlfriend before last week. Regardless of how much she loves me, I don't think she would have said stuff like that behind this new girls back.

I also know most parents don't know everything, but he's always been super close and something like this would have definitely come up. He's never shied away from telling her anything (he talks about his partying and stupid behavior (and sometimes illegal) in front of her all the time) and in the past he's always confided in her and asked her advice whenever we had issues or he was unsure of what to do about us etc and she's been honest to me about it all in the past, including the last time he broke up with me. It's just very weird how different it was this time around. Part of why I'm so hurt and confused about it all still.

I know it probably sounds like I'm trying to make excuses, but I'm not. I'm genuinely just confused. I've known him since I was 17 years old and we were close right from the start.. I knew things most people he knew forever didn't know, so I just know him pretty well. His behavior since last month has just been a complete 180 of what he's normally like, so I'm just trying to deal with it all. I know I'll never be able to fully understand, because unless he came forward and explained everything, noo ne will ever know. I'm just hurt and confused, but being able to get everything out is helping me heal and move on, and that's what I needed most.

Thank you for taking time to listen and reply, I really do appreciate it. The fact people are just able to listen means so much.

[michelle23]

I think people show their true self during a breakup. You know now he was never worth it. You can hold your head high and walk away with dignity and respect coz you did nothing wrong. Some people are just assholes and we dont figure it out until something goes wrong but you can do better than this. Best of luck to you. Stay strong and any notions you have of getting back together-dismiss them coz your worth more x