Moving forward with a friend.

[provin1327]

This is my first thread on here, and my first start at a relationship, so bear with me

I have a few questions about this girl I am friends with. It all started about a year ago, when this girl moved out here for school with her boyfriend. I was friends with him but didn't talk to her that much aside from when all 3 of us were hanging out. They both moved back after a semester, things fell through and they're not together anymore. I started talking to her more and more, but never knew they were broken up so it was all friendly talk which was fine. She came out to visit this summer and I showed her a great time and she really enjoyed it. Although I still was under the belief that she was in a relationship, so again I was being my friendly self. We still talk almost daily and I have gotten to know her even more and am becoming more attracted to her, both physically and personally, I have found that we share much more in common than I had originally expected, which is a great plus. I have kept the talk friendly and a bit flirty, but recently she has been talking about some deep personal stuff, things she says she doesn't talk to anyone else about, and she really enjoys talking to me about them, and want's to talk more when she gets out here. I of course felt the same way. A lot of what she says make her sound like she is interested in me, and I try to put hints in my conversation, but is there any way to tell if she has the same feelings towards me and is not just being friendly? I am hoping I an not putting emphasis on certain things she says as her being attracted to me, because I "want" her to be, if that makes sense. The main problem is she lives in another state but she loves it out here and has been talking about moving out here for good sooner than she had hoped.

She is coming out to visit again, and this time is staying at my house, the catch is, her friend is coming. Before I knew her friend was coming I was all for being a gentleman, we made plans to go out together(aquarium, sports game, dinner out, cook dinner together, etc), relax, and have a good time. My question is what am I supposed to do if her friend is with us? If her and I were going out to dinner I would be fine with paying, but if her friend is coming I don't feel the same. Yes I want to be a gentleman, but I am looking to get closer to her, maybe a bit more physical, but I feel her friend will be a damper on everything, and my hints or attempts will have no meaning if her friend is there, I can't just ignore her. I do have a friend that could come with, maybe like a double date type thing. What should I do?

[Gratedwasabi]

Well, the first thing that jumps out to me is that she's bringing a friend with her when she comes to visit you. If she was really interested in trying to establish a romantic relationship that just wouldn't make sense.

That said, it doesn't necessarily mean she ISN'T interested in that just that it's not the first thing on her mind. It sounds like she values you greatly as a friend and you should take a couple things into consideration.

1. Are you so interested in her romantically that you're willing to risk losing her friendship? Sometimes it happens, things get awkward.

2. Do you have a pretty good idea she might be interested in you romantically? Can be hard to tell but go with your gut.

3. Are you going to be living near enough that a relationship would work? Long distance rarely does.

Now, if the answer is yes to each of them I'd suggest either just coming out and telling her how you feel BEFORE she visits or deciding you'd rather just be friends, forgetting about romance, and letting her make any moves if that's what she wants. Don't spring it on her when she comes to visit, though, 'cuz then things would just get awkward.

[provin1327]

She is bringing a friend for the drive, that I know for sure. I've talked to her a lot and isn't really the type of person that likes to be alone. I know she isn't coming out here to establish a romantic relationship. It's just a vacation.

1. Yes

2. This is hard to tell. Since I thought she was already dating when she came out here I didn't make any moves, so I can't gauge this. I would like to say yes, but I can't tell 100%, pretty sure it's not a "no" though.

3. Yes.

I mainly just need to know what to do with her friend. That may sound bad, but I am trying to be romantic/physical here, and I can't do that if her friend is with us the entire time. I am also wondering if there are any hints I should look for when she is out here, and when we talk now, that could let me know if she is interested.

We have already made plans to hang out together, and when we were talking about all that we were going to do, she didn't seem to include or mention her friend at all, which makes me think she wants to spend time together, or maybe I just misread her. The main idea is to relax basically. Do a bit of sight seeing, dinner out together hiking, hanging out, trip to the zoo, hockey game, and cooking together, sitting by the fire. As you can see, all of these things with just her would be nice, and I could easily move forward or at least make an attempt to, but if her friend is where, well that seems to take everything out of it.

[Gratedwasabi]

Yeah, I mean, her friend being there is a big damper. If she's bringing her friend all this way (and it doesn't sound like her friend knows people out there.. is that what you've gathered?) she'll be sticking to her like glue.

I would really, really suggest making some kind of comment or asking something via phone ahead of time to get a better idea about her intentions. Maybe ask her if she'd like to go to some romantic restaurant you know just you and her while she's out there. Or just straight out ask if her friend has other people she knows out here so you two can spend some one on one time. An answer to a question like that would give you a much better idea what her intent is. Something like "Why would we go to a romantic restaurant?" or "Nah, she only knows me." gives you a pretty strong hint she isn't interested whereas if she responds that she'd love to do that or she really wants one on one time, too, and her friend'll just have to deal gives you a positive sign.

Waiting until she gets out there and trying to spring romance could get awkward and awkward isn't something you want when she traveled a long distance to see you and her friend is there.

Also, romance/physical are you saying you want romance or you want sex? Two very separate goals. If you just want sex, go drinking and hit on her. If you want romance, be a bit more tactful. Hah.

[provin1327]

I guess I should try and hit or comment on the phone next time we talk. I thought I had already made it clear I wanted to go with her and her only. I used terms like "you and I" and "with you" and she responded positively, like she was excited, saying it would be a great time. I agree with the awkwardness, but I think that I will be able to judge and move in when she is out here, instead of straight up asking before she gets here. If I ask now, when she does get out here it will be totally awkward, but if I wait, I'll be able to judge the situation and direct my actions accordingly.

[Gratedwasabi]

Have you asked what her friend will be doing? The best approach, imo, is just to be like "does your friend know people out here? I'd really like us to be able to catch up without her feeling like a third wheel." or something. Pretty innocent statement but probably gives you a better idea where her mind is or at least how you need to plan things.

If you feel confident in your ability to read her better when you're face to face, go with it. I personally have serious trouble figuring out women sometimes and being around women I find attractive makes it all the more difficult, although it does make me bolder, haha.

Definitely would be good to know how much catering to the friend you're going to have to do.

[provin1327]

Thanks, that is a great question to ask. I think the third wheel part is important too, her and I both have already established that we really want to catch up and continue talking about a lot of things we have already brought up, you can only go so far in a small chat over the phone, and she feels the same wy. So if I am already in the "friend zone" is there a good way to get out of it? And is there a good way to maybe set her friend up with my friend without making it awkward? It sucks, the last time she fame to visit she came alone, but it was only for a day and it was very last minute, so I had no time (or idea thinking she was still dating) to set anything up, which is why this time I really need to get prepared to make an effort.

[provin1327]

I asked about her friend and itt looks like she will probably be around the whole time, which is going to mess things up a bit, but I forgot to add in the 'third wheel" part