Relationship problems :(

[Karamailla]

Hi everyone,

Currently im in a very turbulent period of my life. I have had a relation for over 4 years now with a very nice girl. But lately I've started ruminating on whether 'this' is what I want for the rest of my life.

I still cherish very deep feelings for her, but I'm really worried that it is brother/sister love. We never get turned on by eachother spontaneously anymore, and having sex only once a month is very normal for us.

We both have fallen in love with other people, but at the time we asked around and we were told that this is normal, and it can happen.

But now the real bugger is, Ive been unhappy for months now and have decided to move out and go live in an apartment. She has al sorts of future plans like marriage, kids etc. Which really scares me, to be honest. So Ive told her this, and she said she can wait.

But now more and more Im starting to think that this relationship is not meant to be. During these months no 'third person' was involved, and still there isnt, but lately ive been flirting a bit with someone at my work and the feelings that this brings about in me are just incredible and are feelings I can't remember having felt for my current girlfriend.

I also asked my girlfriend once, that if it turned out we are in a brother/sister relationship, if she would still want to continue, and she just immediately said 'yes', which scares me, and makes me feel guilty because I would say 'no'.

So.. should I just wait until Im living in my own apartment, and hope this gives a boost to our relation or just end it ASAP? I have so much doubts, and guilt, it gives me headache Thanks for reading, and im looking forward to your opinnions.

[Gigabitch]

I'm with you- I believe that passion is important and that brother / sister love is not the kind of love you base a marriage on.

You're doing the right thing by being straightforward about your concerns. Don't date the new person yet- finish with the ex first. She needs to understand that it's over.

[vashti]

I don't know that hanging around for four years in a relationship with no future is such a good idea.

That being said, no one is going to feel the same after four years as they did in the beginning... Emotions (aka hormones) tend to settle down after a year or two. Naturally, that lack of excitement is a lot less appealing than a new person. Just be careful that you aren't getting "hooked" on the drama of a new romance, or you will bounce from person to person indefinitely, always seeking that initial "rush".

[CAM]

Actually, there are many asexual people who marry for companionship and it is more or less a "brother/sister" type marriage. Used to be more common, but now...if you aren't practicing to be porn stars, then it isn't considered "normal." The society is a bit too sex-obsessed. Bottom line: if that kind of relationship that you have with her is less sexual and more the other way...if it makes the two of you happy, who's to say?

[Gigabitch]

...if it makes the two of you happy, who's to say?

But it doesn't make him happy. That's the problem. He wants to be in love with his wife, whoever she turns out to be. Is that so wrong?

[Karamailla]

Exactly, it's not that im obsessed with sex or anything, I wouldnt want to have it like everyday, just a normal sex life would be fine. But I would really like my wife/partner to be aroused by me, and take initiative equally, or close to.

I really do think she wants to stay with me because of companionship, and I also enjoy it very much. But the fact remains that I do not feel happy and I can't seem to avoid the conclusion that this isn't going to last much longer.

She just wants to settle as soon as possible, while I really feel like 'dating around'. Getting to know a lot of other people, be on my own, etc. I also realised that if I were to end up in a new relationship, if my current one ends, I would take it much slower.

A key point that only gigabitch noticed is that im not happy, and there have never been any real strong feelings to begin with. I never got the butterfly feelings, or any other indication of falling in love with her deeply. What has developed though, is a very warm companionship. Thats exactly what makes it so darn hard to end it, because it also means something to me. Yet I realise that I should be honest with her about that.

Oh well, I'll wait a bit until i've got my own place and see how it goes. If nothing changes i'll just have to tell it to her. Any tips on how to do such a difficult thing?

[Gigabitch]

The only suggestion I have is that you introduce her to CAM.

[Karamailla]

CAM? Whats that?

[Gigabitch]

Actually, there are many asexual people who marry for companionship and it is more or less a "brother/sister" type marriage. Used to be more common, but now...if you aren't practicing to be porn stars, then it isn't considered "normal." The society is a bit too sex-obsessed. Bottom line: if that kind of relationship that you have with her is less sexual and more the other way...if it makes the two of you happy, who's to say?

This guy. I think he might be the right guy for her.

[Karamailla]

Ah I understand, or Voirdire, may be good as well :/

[CAM]

The only suggestion I have is that you introduce her to CAM.

Sure...sounds great. Can she help me edit manuscripts?

[CAM]

I'd especially like it if she'd kindly sleep in the guest room, since partnering up in my bed would be...annoying, especially in summer when it gets warm in the house. Another person's body heat would be oppressive....

[CAM]

A good Rogering on Wednesday and Saturdays. I promise. I'd remember because those are watering days and the sprinklers would be a good reminder.

[IndiReloaded]

CAM? Whats that?

He's an eccentric device that translates rotary motion (usually hand waving, I think) into something useful.

[CAM]

More like HAL in 2001 Space Odyssey

Actually, its "Cameron"...my name.