Can't wear ring around his parents

[facade]

I will try to keep this short. A few days ago, I received a promise/journey ring from my boyfriend. Last night, in an otherwise casual conversation I was told in not so many words that he didn't want me to wear the ring around his parents because he felt that his mother would be upset and cause problems in our relationship, now and down the road and this would be true for any woman, not just me. She simply is not positive in any way, shape or form, when it comes to him having relationships and that likely would never change.

I'm obviously disappointed and frustrated about this. I believe him when he says his mother would have issues with it, but I'm wondering at this point, exactly how much of my life will be dictated by how she feels about something if I stay with him? I am completely in love with my boyfriend and had planned to spend my life with him, but this isn't what I bargained for at all.

I'm not sure what to do...if I should just give the ring back and put an end to our relationship altogether or maybe I am making a big thing out of nothing, but any opinions and/or advice would be greatly appreciated!
I sure do wish he'd have come with a warning label

[Glyph]

You've got a right to be worried. First of all, how old are you both? If he's still living with his mother, then there really isn't much to be said. He IS rather bound by her opinions and input. If you're both really young, it could be that his mother isn't keen on relationships because she'd rather he focus on more important things first, such as school and the like.

But if he's already out of the house, on his own dime, then he needs to man up and let his mother know that, while he respects her opinions (or, he may not, I don't know), he has the right to live his life how he sees fit. She can either be a part of it and be supportive, or watch from the sidelines.

[vashti]

I agree with Glyph. Your ages are a key factor at this point. Without them, no reasonable assessment can happen.

[facade]

Hi...I know that, under the circumstances of his parents and perhaps even the ring (I don't think many older couples give journey rings), we must sound younger, but no...he's 40 and I'm 35.

[Glyph]

Ha, yeah, then it sounds like it's a classic case of "your mother, or me". Not saying he has to cut her out entirely, but if she can't let go and let her 40 year-old son make his own decisions about relationships, then something's a little off with her. She's probably never accepted that he left the nest.

If he's not willing to do what's necessary to where you can be honest and open about your relationship - especially at the age of 40 where people are can be pretty well set in their ways - then I'd seriously reconsider. You really don't want to get involved with someone who can't stand up to his mother, particularly at his age.

[facade]

The thing is...I don't know that he's actually doing that to make mom happy. He says that she will make our relationship rough if he just says mind your own business, basically. What gets me is we've been looking at houses to buy right before I got the ring and I don't see how on earth we can even begin to consider living together if his mother is not more positive about the relationship.

The woman seriously is not "normal". I didn't have any issues with her, really, nor did I think she was so off her rocker, but since this convo about the ring and his parents came up, he's told me a couple of things that she said that are so out of whack, it's unfathomable!

I hate to walk away from the relationship, when I believe his intentions are good and it's not just him being a momma's boy, but yea...I don't want to live this kind of life either, where anything regarding him has to have mom's approval, or she'll make things miserable for me/us.

Any more suggestions/opinions?

[Glyph]

I will stress that I don't think it should be a case of get-up-and-walk-out-immediately, but you should definitely have some dialogue with him about this. Give him the chance to choose. If he clearly understands that you're not willing to live your life with him under his mother's thumb - however such has to be achieved - perhaps he'll think hard on what's more important to him. Essentially, it shouldn't be YOUR decision to end the relationship, per se, so much as it should be his. Put the ball in his court, as it's HIS mother holding the axe, it seems.

He has a chance to show you that he's mature, responsible, and has his priorities in order. If he misses out and, therefore, the relationship has to end - well, you're only doing what a mature, responsible woman would do in not permanently embroiling herself in a situation that she knows will make her unhappy.

[Gigabitch]

Glyph, that was very diplomatic. Thank you for doing that, which frees me up to be a total asshole:

Facade, run away from these lunatics. Run, run, run. If he's the kind of guy who is going to ask you to take your ring off around his mother, then he's the kind of guy who needs to have an arranged marriage.

She's not "normal"? What about him?

You do not want this man, you really don't. He's a spineless pussy.

[Glyph]

Jeez, I was getting there and you just had to blow my load for me.

In short, yeah. I'd still have the talk, but my intuition says it won't yield anything other than his making excuses for dear old mommy.

In that case, make like a pirate ship and haul booty.

[Gigabitch]

Jeez, I was getting there and you just had to blow my load for me.

Heh heh. Was it good for you, too?

[vashti]

Holy shit! A 40 year old man still gives out *promise* rings? Honestly, I don't blame the mother nearly as much as I blame him. I think you should *seriously* consider how much of a man this 40 year old really is...

[facade]

Thanks ladies! I think it's important to mention that he doesn't make excuses for his mother. He tells me that she's effen crazy, period. He even blames his mother for a large portion of the breakdown of his marriage that ended in divorce. Of course, under the circumstances, I'd be telling her where to go, if I were him, and that if she can't be positive and supportive, then she will be lacking me in her life...and this comes from someone who doesn't have her mother in her life, because she made it hell for me, but I do miss having my mother very much.

Yea, I think she's a genuine nut case, or at minimum, not playing with a full deck. I don't know if this is why he tolerates her or not, but I have only met the woman 3x, because she has no interest in getting to know me, and this is/would be the case for any woman my boyfriend chose as a mate. Some of the things she has said, just blows me away. Like, she asked my boyfriend, "does your girlfriend do your housework and cook your meals for you? She really should, because you're so busy with your work and your daughters". Okay...wth? I have my own house to keep, with my own job, my own two kids and he doesn't support me, financially, whatsoever. How is this even remotely a normal thought process?

Other thing she said was about my son, who is 16. She met him one time in a restaurant and he was his usual quiet, respectful self. His mother told my boyfriend a couple days later, "That Brian...I don't like him. There is something wrong with that kid. He barely said anything to me at all. I wouldn't want to spend any time around him." Well, my son is genuinely one of the most respectful, polite, laid back teens you'd ever meet. Anyone who has ever met him, parents and kids alike, have all thought the world of him, and this women is judging him, off of a 60 minute dinner at a pizza place, to be "not right", because he was quiet! Since when is being quiet bad?!?!

I know that my boyfriend is worried that his mom will trash our relationship, because he's already told me that she'll trash me and treat me like crap, and I know that his actual intentions are to protect me from that and safeguard our relationship, but he doesn't realize that he is doing exactly the opposite of safeguarding the relationship, by not telling her...this is the way it is and you need to deal with it and respect it.

Or is he really just a momma's boy...boy, that seems so impossible, because he never has anything good to say about her and avoids going to her house, if at all possible, other than once a week for dinner with his daughters.

[facade]

Holy shit! A 40 year old man still gives out *promise* rings? Honestly, I don't blame the mother nearly as much as I blame him. I think you should *seriously* consider how much of a man this 40 year old really is...

vashti, I guess I don't see the issue with the ring, really. I don't see it as being a negative on his character because he is 40 years old. It was intended to be a token of his commitment to me and I thought was a sweet gesture, actually.

Is there something I don't know or am missing about promise rings that indicates they are only for young couples? Frankly, I never even knew what one was until he brought it up, so I'm a bit uneducated on them.

[vashti]

Well, I've never heard of it beyond high school, that's all. It *does* fit in perfectly with the mother issues, I suppose.

[facade]

Yea, sure seems to, doesn't it? As well as many other past things suddenly make sense with this new information. Seems to me that the guy should have deemed the "mother from hell" talk, as important as he deemed the prenuptial agreement talk to be, long ago. I'm rather angry at the fact that, here I am, over a year into the relationship, we're looking at houses to buy and talking marriage and only NOW, I'm finding out about his wretch of a mother! Of course, I think he knew that if I knew how she really was, back then, I'd have been gone.