She's hard to read

[TheGreek]

So here's the low-down, I'm a younger guy and in my senior year of high school. I've never been to homecoming before. Let's just chalk it up as 3 years of bad luck. Anyway, I got a date this year. She's a real cute girl that's in one of my classes. On the volleyball team and soccer team. Really active and she seems pretty down to earth and easy to talk to.

Here's the thing, before I asked her we pretty much had one short little conversation where I asked her if she was okay, because she seemed like she was crying. (She actually got something stuck in her throat and started choking. And when she chokes she cries.) So I got her name and went to go look her up on facebook. Couldn't find her. She spells her name different that usual. Anyway, she friended me. We chatted on their back and forth about some random stuff and I was just like screw it, I'll ask her. So I got her number from a friend of mine, because I thought some other dude was gonna ask her or I would have just waited until the next day. Either way, when I called her she said yes and didn't even ask me how I got her number.

So now we are going. We've had 2 other conversations on facebook, each for about an hour. And I walked her to her other class the other day and we kinda chatted. Fact of the matter is, I like her. I know it probably sounds kinda strange since I barely know her, but something about her is just really attractive to me. More than the fact that she is pretty and has an awesome personality. But, I'm having trouble reading her. I have no idea if she likes me back. I've texted her a couple of times and she'll answer. But if I text her again, she usually doesn't write back. I asked my buddy who took her to homecoming last year and he said that she is kinda weird via text messages and much cooler online or in person.

So my question is, how to I read her? I mean, our first conversation on facebook chat, she sent me something. The next night I sent her something. But we haven't done that since. I'm guessing my best bet is to just take her to homecoming, show her I'm a good guy, and see where it goes from there. I got her a nice mum, beautiful corsage, we're going to a nice restaurant with a group of people that we are mutual friends with. Tried to get a Hummer H2 limo for our group of 20, but not enough guys wanted to pay for it. Anyway, my question is how can I tell if she likes me? I know it's a long thing to go through but thanks for reading. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[agatha]

Try to tell her what you have really felt for her.
Her answer would be the answer of your question.
If she said something nice that means she something with you
but if she had no comment with it, simple he doesn't like you.

[TheGreek]

Try to tell her what you have really felt for her.
Her answer would be the answer of your question.
If she said something nice that means she something with you
but if she had no comment with it, simple he doesn't like you.

Thanks for the response. Yeah, I guess I might as well just ask her. But I think that I'll wait until after the dance. Maybe just ask her out for some coffee or to grab a bite next weekend.

[GrkScorp]

She actually got something stuck in her throat and started choking. And when she chokes she cries.

She's going to need to get over that soon if she expects this relationship to work out..

So I got her name and went to go look her up on facebook. Couldn't find her. She spells her name different that usual. Anyway, she friended me. We chatted on their back and forth about some random stuff and I was just like screw it, I'll ask her. So I got her number from a friend of mine, because I thought some other dude was gonna ask her or I would have just waited until the next day. Either way, when I called her she said yes and didn't even ask me how I got her number.

First order of business.., may I say.., and may we both be honest.., that this was perhaps one of the most weasel-type things I've ever heard..

Second order of business.., I don't understand how more obvious you want her to be.. She obviously likes you.., OBVIOUSLY!!! She might as well have a sign stating so explicitly.. She's being honest.., not putting up an act or playing coy.., for g-d's sake she told you yes.., what more of a message are you waiting for? A letter from the Pope?

So now we are going. We've had 2 other conversations on facebook, each for about an hour. And I walked her to her other class the other day and we kinda chatted. Fact of the matter is, I like her. I know it probably sounds kinda strange since I barely know her, but something about her is just really attractive to me. More than the fact that she is pretty and has an awesome personality. But, I'm having trouble reading her. I have no idea if she likes me back. I've texted her a couple of times and she'll answer. But if I text her again, she usually doesn't write back. I asked my buddy who took her to homecoming last year and he said that she is kinda weird via text messages and much cooler online or in person.

Awesome.., she's like a guy.. You struck gold.., hit the jackpot.., she's a keeper..

She likes you.., guaranteed..

Take things slow.., get to know her a little bit more.., and start to let her in on things you like about her.. (if you don't know exactly what they are.., then how do you expect her to know exactly what they are? if she doesn't know exactly what they are.., then what is she most likely to conclude about why you like her?)

I know.., there's fuzziness in a guy's emotional train of thought.., like a thick fog over a dense mist.., you can't even see your own hands and feet.., much less the other person standing just steps in front of you.. But the wind that can clear up that haziness is awareness.., mental focus.., and perceptiveness..

As you sit down and take a break from thinking about "nothing".., when you're wondering about why you like her so much.., try and bring forth flashbacks in your mind.., soundbites and visuals of things she said or did that really got to you.., and don't just stop there.. Because things she said or did are meaningless in and of themselves.. Go one step beyond that.., yeah.., that's right.. It take a bit of mental effort on your part.., but it's no time to be emotionally or mentally lazy..

Try and think how that made you feel.., how she touched you.., why she touched you.. Try and think about qualities it shows you about her character and personality.., how are those qualities important to you.., why would you value those qualities in someone you want to be in a relationship with?

That's it.. Nothing more complicated than that.. Really..

When you have a clear idea and picture in your own mind.., when you can become aware of all those feelings and then capture them completely and put them into words.., then expressing them to her is easy..

In fact.., you're a lot less nervous about expressing them to her.., because there's no doubt.., you're absolutely certain and sure of how you feel and why you feel that way.., It doesn't feel like you're missing something or leaving out anything.. It doesn't feel like you're lost or you just don't really know.. With that kind of attitude and certainty.., you can be sure that you'll naturally project the right message to her..

Before you start thinking about these things now.., remember.., she wants to hear all these things.., she's waiting for you to tell her how you feel about her.., and why you feel that way about her.., and why HER (as opposed to someone else).. So don't feel awkward or weird when you talk about it and tell her.., it's more than welcomed.., it's longed for..

So my question is, how to I read her? I mean, our first conversation on facebook chat, she sent me something. The next night I sent her something. But we haven't done that since. I'm guessing my best bet is to just take her to homecoming, show her I'm a good guy, and see where it goes from there. I got her a nice mum, beautiful corsage, we're going to a nice restaurant with a group of people that we are mutual friends with. Tried to get a Hummer H2 limo for our group of 20, but not enough guys wanted to pay for it. Anyway, my question is how can I tell if she likes me? I know it's a long thing to go through but thanks for reading. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

No need to go that far.., in fact.., the more you try.., the more it works against you..

That's not to say you shouldn't be honest and open about how you feel towards her.., that's not to say you shouldn't go ahead and show her how interested you are in her.., that's always flattering and always makes her feel great about herself.., safe and secure.. but don't confuse or mix that up with "trying hard".. Trying hard is never attractive.., it's like mosquito replant for women (unless they have self esteem issues and need to feel validated).., because nearly all of the people that try hard.., do so in order to compensate for what they feel they are lacking to offer in other areas of the relationship.. If that sounds like you.., then by all means.., go ahead..

[GrkScorp]

Reading her?

In criminology.., experts try and do something nearly impossible.., get into the mind of a criminal..

It's nearly impossible.., because in many cases.., you're dealing with abnormal psychology.. It's very hard to start thinking about a mental framework that can justify murder.. The cases of murder most difficult to solve.., but not uncommon.., are the ones with "no motive".. Can you even begin to imagine what that means?

The basic concept is.., start from "zero".., assume a clean slate..

From birth.., what life experiences would cause criminal behavior? And how would these experiences be stored into memory? How would these memories serve as a meta-model to interpret and then store new information? Simulate the different stages of development.., and attempt to think as someone who had those life experiences as opposed to the ones you've had.. In effect.., attempt to think like a criminal.., and no longer as you..

That's very difficult for most people to do.. You're so used to thinking in your own mental framework.. Accepting and interpreting information as it applies to you is automatic.., a habit that requires a great deal of mental effort and energy to truly break free from..

Example:

"Men only think about one thing.., sex.. That's all they want.. There are two kinds of men.., pigs and dogs.. take your pick.. If they say they think about something else.., they're just lying to try and have sex.."

If you're a man: You know this statement isn't true
If you're a woman: You know this statement is true

"Women only think about one thing.., money.. That's all they want.. There are two kinds of women.., gold-diggers and whores.., take your pick.. If they say they think about something else.., they're just lying to try and get to your money.."

If you're a man: You know this statement is true
If you're a woman: You know this statement isn't true

How the hell can this be?



It's a flow diagram of how information gets processed and then translated into either action or beliefs (memory)..

It makes most people feel exposed.., oversimplified.., and vulnerable at first.. So the immediate reaction is.. "yeah right" or "that's not exactly how I think" or "that's not true"..

Well.., maybe you're right.., maybe you're different than most other humans.., and if you're that confident you're exempt from the neurology that's common to every other person on earth.., maybe arsenic or batrachotoxin won't apply to you either.. So why not test that theory out? When you've had a moment to get over that first initial reaction.., you can start appreciating the model for what it allows you to do..

Not just to tap into the way YOU think (which is an incredible way of improving your emotional intelligence).. But explore the way other people think.., process information.., and would most likely act.. (if that's not more interesting than watching sports or porn.., I give up.., seriously)

Just imagine.., how differently you would process information.., if you were black.., if you were a Republican.., if you were older.., if you were a blue-collar worker.., if you were a woman.., if you were a parent.., if you were a Scientologist..

That's just looking at "self-identity" alone.. Imagine the difference in "needs" and "wants" between the two genders.. Imagine how those would affect the desire for status and social rankings.., what would constitute or represent personal value to each? How would the ego strive to be "better" on a relative basis than other people of the same gender? How would it strive to distinguish itself as better than people of the opposite gender? What would cause it to feel insecure? How would these things ingrain themselves into memory? How would they cause someone to process new information during development? By the time this person is 17.., how would they process a set of given input? What action or emotional output has the highest likelihood given a set of input? What set of input would it take to produce a desired action or emotional output?

This is powerful stuff.. I mean.., really.., it's just a fancier way of saying.., "if you were in her shoes.., what would you think? what would you do?"

When you're able to get into the mind of someone else.., when you can capture and understand their mental framework and are able to ignore any conflicts that may exists between this new framework and your own (so as to not alter or corrupt it.., and to fully capture it accurately).., you can objectively think subjectively.., as a religious fanatic.., conservative.., liberal.., Democrat.., Republican.., elderly or youth.., American or European.., man or woman.., yourself.., or someone else..

Forget reading people.., reading people is easy.., (Read: Never be Lied to Again; by David J. Lieberman).., easy and also meaningless.. It's useless.., because it's not the final step.., it's the initial step.. The goal is to fully capture and construct the mental framework of the individual you're interested in understanding.. When you do that.., you can accurately simulate the way they would process information.. (what you choose to do with that level of understanding of that individual's mental framework is completely up to you)

The old showmanship trick in "mind reading" is the biggest load of sh*t.., it's a complete illusion.. Nobody is reading anyone's mind.. They simply fully understand how the person thinks.., through a series of instant behavioral analysis tests.., and how they process information.. They create the input.., (cards.., think of a word.., etc).., and while the person is busy processing it.., the magician can accurately simulate the output because he's accurately understood their individual process.. To others.., it looks like mind reading.. But there's nothing magic about it..

Cool mind trick: Isn't it funny and ironic how "moral" sounds a lot like "more oral"?

[GrkScorp]

Anyway..

Forget about the general.., let's narrow down the focus to just her..

There's almost no end to how different women are and think from men.. The good news is.., the two genders are more alike than different.. The bad news is.., the two genders are more different than alike..

Once upon a time.., physical strength actually correlated quite highly with your ability to survive and protect.. Today.., it's obsolete.., and in its place.., is financial and social power..

But the effects of a trait that once correlated with survival for tens of thousands of years are still ingrained in the attraction circuitry of a certain gender.. Tall.., built.., muscular.., strong.., sexy.., masculine.. are all very closely associated with each other.. It's the underlying reason for physical attraction..

That same trait has a negative side.., a HUGE negative side.. FEAR & TRUST.. You might not understand it well enough yet.., and it's not something a physically stronger force can naturally hope to understand without some reasonable mental effort.. So you have to imagine.., and really.., really take a moment to try and wrap your head around this.., how it would be like.., to be the weaker force.. How would you feel if you were next to a dominant stronger force? What does it feel like to be in the submissive and weaker position? Do you automatically and naturally feel safe in that position? Is it easy for you to trust in that position? Do you have any level of fear in that position? What are some of those fears? What would add on to or increase those fears? What would ease or take away from those fears?

Beyond the most basic and primitive instincts.., you have to add on some additional layers to her mental framework.. Cultural programming.., Social conditioning.., Religion.., Parenting.., Life experiences (friends, trauma, etc).. Three biggest ones are (social conditioning.., parenting.., and life experiences).. These are the fears that parents install onto their children to prevent unwanted pregnancy.., the associations and stereotypes that are accepted as truth either by humor or a widely acknowledged belief (i.e. say it enough times and it becomes the truth).., and any information that is tempting to accept and believe as true because it offers the promise of gaining something you desire or protecting yourself from an unwanted harm..

If you think my posts are long.., just imagine that a categorized list of all of these would fill up about 20 pages on a thread.. But all of these represent meta-models.., reference points stored in memory that influence both the emotional and rational process.., which in turn effect the internal outputs.., and ultimately.., external output (action)..

Examples:

"Men like a challenge"
"Men don't like sluts or whores"
"To get a man.., you have to play a little hard to get"

Let's expand on those a little.. Once those are accepted as truth.., then there's a good meta-model in place to interpret and give meaning to the following ambiguous and vague statements..

"You're not going to be that easy, are you?"
"Those women are cheap.., you're not like them are you?"

Again.., if you're a woman.., it's very tempting stuff.. Add on to that some widely acknowledged generalizations that appeal to fear.. (and for most of the time.., with good reason)..

"ALL men just want to get into your pants"
"If he does so much as look at you.., that's what's on his mind"
"ALL men are dogs.., all they think about is sex"

Of course.., as a guy.., you know that what you think about most of the time is "nothing".. In fact.., you can have an entire "nothing" day.. Where you sit your ass down on the couch.., have the TV on.., but sit there completely brain-dead.., thinking about absolutely "nothing".. Until "something" or "someone" forces you to think about something different..

But apparently.., it's news to some guys that their genuine romantic interests are viewed as.., fake.., lying.., or an attempt to have sex.. I like to think of it as applying for a job.. Most people lie on their resume'.. So people reading them can either only assume that everyone is either lying or telling the truth.. Which means it's only a matter of which one sounds better.., regardless if it's true or not.. Why do nice guys finish last? Because they're honest.. He sounds too good to be true.., therefore.., he must be lying.. (also why trying too hard will work against you).. Guys who are great at being dishonest make for the greatest heart breakers and players.. Oh the irony..

And the reason for that.., is fear.. Fear of being fooled.., fear of being manipulated.., fear of being used.., fear of being hurt.. Nobody wants to fall victim to or suffer from any of those things.. So you can expect a high degree of caution.., such a high degree that it might as well be paranoia.. Obnoxious statements like.. "he looked at me.., he wants to sex me" or "he asked me to come upstairs.., he wanted to have sex with me" or "he was flirting with my friend all night.., he was just trying to make me jealous because he wants to get into my pants.., but I'm not falling for it"..

There's comfort in being guarded.., believing you're smarter than everyone else.., nobody is going to fool you.., it offers a sense of safety and security.. It's called loneliness.. The sad side-effect from the inability to trust because you believe everyone is out there to hurt you..

Remember.., you have to get into a different mental framework here..

Now.., let's just stick with that.. Let those be our basic rules.. you can feel free to explore the rest for yourself and expand your understanding of the rest of that framework..

Consider the following..

How would you feel about a guy you don't like? How would you feel if he started casually talking to you? How quickly would you assume he's interested in you and likes you? How quickly would you think you would conclude that he just wants to have sex? What would you do from that point? How would you go about distancing yourself from him? How would you react?

How would you feel about a guy you do like? Would you want to date or be in a relationship with such a guy? How would you go about doing that? What would you do? If he starts making contact with you, what would you do? How would you react?

Psst: I'll give you a big hint.., you're definitely in the second category..

Think about everything that's happened so far.., and try to analyze it objectively (by realizing that it's VERY easy to interpret things as favorable to you.., even when they are not.. Example: He looked at me.., therefore I think he likes me.. "really? what about all the other people he's looked at? he must like them too then?" or.. He asked me to come upstairs.., therefore he finds me attractive and wants to have sex.. "really? that's quite a big idea you have of yourself you Miss America sexy g-ddess you".. or.., He's talking to my friend.., therefore he's just doing it to make me jealous.. "really? that's pretty egotistical and self-centered of you.., more likely.., he just likes your friend.. sorry").. Be brutally conservative in your analysis and review of all events..

To save you a lot of time though.. She likes you.. There's really no reason you should be afraid to be completely honest with her.. After all.., she was completely honest and open with you.. There's nothing to be shy about.. It's already obvious that she likes you.. So just talk to her one day.., and do her the favor of comforting her and putting her at ease.., take away her anxiety and nervousness.., stop torturing her by keeping her wondering if you feel the same way or not.. Just tell her how you feel.., clearly and honestly.., and then just invite her to go someplace together on a Friday or during the weekend.. You have to bridge contact from now until the party.., or else the chemistry and connection between the two of you will dull.., and things will feel awkward.. So stop stalling.., quit thinking.., and just do.. It's not a big deal.., so don't make it into a big deal..

Best,

GrkScorp

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Everytime I read GrkScorp's posts, I feel like I'm in class lol.

[GrkScorp]

Everytime I read GrkScorp's posts, I feel like I'm in class lol.

Why? Did (or "do") any of your professors sound like this when they were giving a lecture?

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

I was more so speaking on the lengths and the charts and stuff. It's something I'd more see in school lol. I hope you're not offended, though.

[GrkScorp]

I was more so speaking on the lengths and the charts and stuff. It's something I'd more see in school lol. I hope you're not offended, though.

Haha!

Why would I be offended if you'd think the size is long? If you thought the size was too small.., that would be an other story..

I thought you may have had Prof. Heller.. He lectures and talks a lot like that.. He goes over property and real estate law very casually.., but by the end of the semester.., you're ready to jump into a firm and start getting down to the dirty work.. Very thorough.. (notebooks worth of notes)..

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Lol....sounds scary but worth it in the end. I forgot to mention that your first post was funny as hell:

"She's going to need to get over that soon if she expects this relationship to work out.."

That made me laugh.

EDIT: Either my mind is very dirty, or we're on the same page

[GrkScorp]

Either my mind is very dirty, or we're on the same page

Why can't it be both?

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Why can't it be both?

Hehe...maybe it is...who knows

[HUNT3R]

GrkScorp - It might be long posts, but it's certainly interesting. Did you study psychology or is it just, like me, down to accumulated experience?

[GrkScorp]

GrkScorp - It might be long posts, but it's certainly interesting. Did you study psychology or is it just, like me, down to accumulated experience?

Actually.., it's a relatively new interdisciplinary field.., "behavioral economics".., which combines economics.., psychology.., sociology.., consumer behavior.., and neurology..

I have some lengthy.., yet interesting readings if you're up to it.. (do take my word on the "lengthy" part though)..

As far as experiences go.., who doesn't have any? I'm sure ours aren't too different.. They are what you make of them though.. They're only as meaningful as what you can take from each of them..

I like Kromat's quote on that..