Thoughts/ideas/opinions - winning her back

[adomz77]

As it's my first post and I have a tendency to be verbose when writing, I'm going to keep this basic and short. Details on everything are absolutely available upon request, if they are needed to provide better advice or what-not.

I was with my girlfriend for almost 7 years. Lived together for six of those years. About a month-and-a-half ago, she broke up with me. I acted outraged, astounded, blindsided, etc. I couldn't believe that she could just walk away from 7 years. Of course, what I didn't realize then was that she had probably started that walk long before she made the break. Perfectly understandable, just sucks for me.

Anyway, I accept most of the responsibility for the break-up. The usual things over that amount of time - complacency, lessening of intimacy, a growing hatred of a job I stayed with to help support her going to school full-time - things like that.

Seven years is a long time, and I know it will take me time to get over it. Also, we both lost our best friend - seven years together sort of demands that we're best friends, I suppose. We still stay in contact, but not daily (although I would like to). I had an accident one evening and with no one else to turn to, she came and took me to the ER, staying with me until I was out. All night. I know that she's not "sick" of me, or hates me or whatever. I know she cares. When she was ill and in bed that very same week, I was the one she called and I "sacrificed" (okay, not really) most of my night to keep her company while she dozed off and came to, so I know she knows I still care. (And, of course...you know, I freaked out when she left and begged to change her mind. The usual breakdowns, it's fairly obvious I was not pleased)

ANYWAY

I'm to a point where whatever happens...happens. If she's gone forever, then I'll survive and probably be stronger. I wanted to be sure of that, because although I am ready to put the ball in her court and let the chips fall where they may, there's two things that bother me:

1) When we first started seeing each other, after a couple months, we were seeing each other most every day. One night she told me that we should slow down, and I quickly consoled her, telling her that however fast she wants to go was okay with me. Later that night, she said that she feels that way about things sometimes, but that she needs me to fight through for her. Six years ago, I know...but still...

2) I don't want to look back on this relationship 20 years from now and think, "Maybe I should have made a real effort at winning her back". I'm done with regrets, I feel like that's my biggest change since she left. What's the worst that can happen? I'm shy as hell, and i just did an open mic stand-up that got crickets, but I loved every minute of it because it was new, and I did it. Hard to explain.

Sorry...verbose verbose verbose.

My question to those who have read this far is - if a long-term boyfriend you dumped 6 weeks ago made a grand, romantic gesture,would that appeal to you? Those grand, romantic gestures are a nice touch in movies and books, but can sometimes be creepy. I'm not planning a grand gesture to bring her back to where we were a year or two ago. I am planning a grand gesture to get her to possibly want to rebuild a relationship from square one. If she fell out of love with me, as she said, then I cannot just convince her to fall back in love. I don't think, anyway. I wooed her once. I need to try and woo her again, fully aware that it might not work. My grandmother always told me, "A great relationship is hard, because it's a constant cycle of falling in and out of love. You're always working at trying to make the other fall in love with you." She was old-fashioned, but I guess I am too.

One of her biggest problems with me at the end was our divergent interests. She was very active, I was always tired. This grand gesture is going to be a scavenger hunt of sorts, to places she would never have thought I would go. I never showed her how important her interests were to me after those first few years...I need to do that now, because they are.

[basilandthyme]

Adomz, my ex-h tried much the same as you're proposing to win me back. It wasn't successful - truth is, I wasn't even tempted. I just felt that it was too little, too late. However, I had also made it clear that I had no intention of returning.

I think the future with your ex depends very much on how firm she is on ending it. If she's said things like "perhaps in the future" or "I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do" then give it a try. But if she's adamant that it's over, I suggest you respect that and move on.

[adomz77]

Hi Basil, thanks for the fast response.

I definitely see what you're saying, and understand that no matter what, that might be the case. When she broke it off, I lost it - it was a big dramatic scene, and I don't blame her for just wanting to leave it alone. No one wants to feel like the bad guy. Since that point, when we've discussed the relationship and the future, she doesn't discount the idea of me being back in her life (romantically). I have things that still need to change, and there are things that are changed already. My biggest change is my mindset. The rollercoaster of emotions has ended for the most part. That being said, her not wanting to be the bad guy may also be why she said "I can't say that we will or won't get back together..." She fears me hating her, losing me as a friend I suppose, but I stressed that I could take it straight-away and she stayed with that statement.

How I see it, or how I'm convincing myself, is this: the woman that I love, and have loved for 7 years, would not be dismissive of the gesture I have planned. It's very similar to how I started to win her over initially, only on a grander scale. If the woman I do this for dismisses it or is "un-moved" after some introspective thinking on it, then she has changed, and is no longer the woman I loved.

[Peaches1605]

Hi

The first thing I would say is really think about the reasons for breaking up. You said that you accept responsibility for the break-up, but the first question really is, are those things that you are willing to work on to make it work? The second thing I would suggest is look at her reasoning behind it all as well. She may have her own reasons (personal) that she may need to work through.

With my experience of people trying to "win me back" is that if the 2 things that I mentioned aren't considered, then it isn't likely to work. It tends to turn into a horrible cycle.

If you are both willing to take a good hard look at the relationship and be completely honest about both of your drawbacks, then winning her back with a big romantic gesture is more likely to work

Good luck!

[adomz77]

Hi Peaches, thanks for the input.

I hated to think of the reasons she broke it off, but I think that's what makes me feel I have a pretty good grasp on what was wrong. I definitely dropped the ball, and while it wasn't on a lot of things nor was it a "terrible" offense, I should have seen the signs instead of just trying to over-compensate elsewhere. People want what they need, and giving them more of something they don't need doesn't make them want their needs any less. I think that makes sense. I may have just double-negative'd myself.

Anyway, I have been working on these things, but through my therapist I've been trying to do them for the right reasons. Prepared for rejection, knowing that it probably won't work, what I'm doing for myself is to just improve me for me. I know of two things that definitely contributed to her wanting out, and those are things that I can/will/am changing. I do also think that she's in a hard place, as well. She's got a lot of stress doing undergraduate work at the local university. She said she needed time away, that she fell out of love - so I'm letting her have that time away for now. The semester is almost over, but she's planning grad school and that's more stress. I plan on slowly working up to this big "show" that I'm not only a new(er) man, but a better one too. (Honestly, I almost jumped right into in it haphazardly just to get her attention and focused on me again, scared if I waited that she would just not care anymore - thankfully, I thought it through and am banking on the fact that 7 years together will be hard to forget quickly, and I have some time to give her more time to clear her emotional hurricane).

That being said...I realize this thread isn't a firestarter with advice, but both you (Peaches) and Basil have already given me great things to think about. I already took some of what Basil said to my therapist, and I'll be taking your thoughts to him too, Peaches. I was wondering, however...would either of you be at all willing to helping me work on my "grand romantic display"? You both have said you have experience receiving them, and while everyone is different, I might be able to take advice from your opinions and determine what her opinion would be, and conversely I could describe what parts of my plan are and how they might be perceived by her, and you could give me the female point of view.

If so, if we could possibly discuss it through e-mail or anything, I would be so grateful. I can't offer much in return, but I'm not entirely without value - perhaps I'd be able to do your taxes, or proofread an important paper or something.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

This isn't a romantic comedy. Grand gestures don't work. Save yourself the humiliation.

[adomz77]

I can appreciate the sentiment, but I actually do think life is a comedy, romantic or not. I don't see how I would be humiliated trying to salvage a 7-year relationship, though. Being told "no" isn't humiliating. I'm comparing it like this - relationship = family member on life support. If you have a close family member on life support, and they probably won't ever be able to come off it, you'd be tempted to say "Yes, let's pull the plug". But if there's a chance? Not even a miraculous chance, an actual percentage that isn't great but isn't impossible...wouldn't you keep trying?

The simile carries further because if I was on life support, I'd be trying to tell them in my comatose state to let me go, that I don't want them or myself to have to suffer anymore. Which is what she has said - she has said that I shouldn't count on us getting back together, that I can't bank on it and she can't guarantee it. If I move on, then she's going to be gone. If I give it one more effort, one last try (while I'm coping mentally, more and more each day), then I don't lose anything but the fear of regret in the future.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Your analogy is shit. Do what you want. Let us know how it turns out. I don't know why the **** you came here if your mind was already made. Make the gesture, and let us know how it turns out.

[michelle23]

Ok its understandable you freaked out and had an emotional outburst. You were shocked. It happens to everyone so please get over it.. your best attempt to try and win her back is to act like its over and i mean no contact, no friendship, nothing. Send her a text saying "this breakup came as a shock and i really need time and space to deal with it. I still love you and it still hurts so i dont want to be friends right now. I need time to deal with this and i hope you understand". Leave it at that. Believe me, if she changes her mind shell come to you. There is nothing else you can do. Shes made her decision, you gotta respect that and just hope that time and space and distance may make her realize that she wants you. If you beg, plead, try to romance her or spill your guts to her you will just push her further away. It has to be her decision. I know its hard but you really should accept its over and focus on healing but send that message just so she knows you still care

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[adomz77]

Your analogy is shit. Do what you want. Let us know how it turns out. I don't know why the **** you came here if your mind was already made. Make the gesture, and let us know how it turns out.

Yes, my mind was already made up - I will be making the gesture. I was simply asking opinions on it, not asking if I should do it.

But for shits and grins, and because internet arguing is amusing, please do explain how the analogy is shit. Argue the jumper off the ledge. Constructive criticism is great, but blanket statements about how thoughts "are shit" and grand gestures "don't work" just sort of sounds...jaded. Which kind of sucks for you, I guess. So I'm sorry. I can understand the screen name, though.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I don't waste my time arguing jumpers off the ledge. I like a good show.

The problems that caused you break up haven't been fixed. She is not open to a relationship now and has been unequivocal about that. Your analogy is shit because you are ignoring her conscious choice in the matter.

I'm not jaded, I'm realistic. Grand gestures don't work, because by the time it comes to that, it's usually too late. The only thing that can help you now is to give her space like she asked, and show her you can be successful independent of her.

Opinion: You sound like bitch. Sack up, and get on with your life. Leave her be for a while and she'll definitely get in touch. Whether that's out of boredom or true feelings will be another matter.

[adomz77]

This is why internet arguing is fun!

How about you break it down like a fraction, make it simple. What problems caused our break, and how are those problems either not fixed, or not able to be fixed? Define unequivocal in regards to love. Explain how I am ignoring her conscious choice (conscious choices being rarely something that ever happens in love, by the way). Finally, do you feel people can change or do you agree with the sentiment "once a cheater, always a cheater"? Let's be constructive, friend, as I assume that's what this particular Internet locale is for.

Reality is usually jaded, so you're mostly agreeing with me. We protect ourselves by acting jaded, because we get jerked around when we are vulnerable. Who wants that? As I stated in the first post, I'm a bit old-fashioned in that regard. Reality is bills are due. Reality is taxes happen once a year. Reality is I better get to work. Love is something outside that, and I know for a fact that it doesn't abide by any universal rules, especially along the lines of the statements you drop.

As for your further pessimism, there are untold things that can go wrong or right with my approach. There are untold things that could go wrong or right with avoiding her and moving on. I find that worrying about what can go right or wrong in regards to my gut instincts is usually counter-productive to my happiness. That's just me, maybe you have success in taking a safer approach.

Opinion: You sound like an internet alpha. Big talk, usually from behind a computer screen, levying judgement down from a place that's probably filled with more than a little emotional hurt and anger. My life is going on, my sack is fine, and she'll probably get in touch with me regardless of what I do or don't do in the future. You, however, could probably use a bit of therapy yourself. Find your inner self, buddy - accept what life has done so far and work to change it.

And I didn't even have to edit that to get my little internet snipes in. +1 for me?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I originally came here for help with a situation I was in. Edits are for grammar.

Say what you want about my attitude and approach to life but it has served me quite well. I don't accept bullshit from people. When they bullshit me, I drop them. That's not jaded. I'm happy, and have a very positive outlook. That's why I don't accept bullshit, because I've seen just how much good is out there. I've also, never lived my life in fear. I've lived my life by the seat of my pants pretty much the whole time..from extreme sports, to drug trafficking, to job hopping, I am not afraid to take a leap. I've been ultra high and ultra low because of it, but I know I can survive anything, which is why I'm fine cutting people off so quick.

The contempt I have for you stems from looking back at myself when I was a cunt like you trying to impress people. I'm much happier now that I live for myself, and I'm pretty sure you would be too.

How have you ignored her conscious choice? She said she doesn't want to be with you, and you are disregarding that and trying to persuade her. It's annoying and its disrespectful. It's basically saying, her feelings don't matter to you. You are pompous and presumptuous. A grand gesture is not going to help, when it sounds like she was really just bored with you.

[Peaches1605]

That being said...I realize this thread isn't a firestarter with advice, but both you (Peaches) and Basil have already given me great things to think about. I already took some of what Basil said to my therapist, and I'll be taking your thoughts to him too, Peaches. I was wondering, however...would either of you be at all willing to helping me work on my "grand romantic display"? You both have said you have experience receiving them, and while everyone is different, I might be able to take advice from your opinions and determine what her opinion would be, and conversely I could describe what parts of my plan are and how they might be perceived by her, and you could give me the female point of view.

If so, if we could possibly discuss it through e-mail or anything, I would be so grateful. I can't offer much in return, but I'm not entirely without value - perhaps I'd be able to do your taxes, or proofread an important paper or something.

E-mail me when you need some insight, I'd be happy to help! Also I think its great that you're working on yourself. The most important thing after a break up (whether you want them back or not) is to learn from your mistakes - something I'm currently working on! If it turns out your gesture isn't enough, then at least you've come away with something positive and won't make the same mistakes again!

[adomz77]

Constructive criticism mixed in with some kind of anger

I would like to respond first to the actual constructive criticism you gave there. I get that attitude, and I apply it quite a bit. I rarely take much shit, and if I do, I'm taking it for a good reason. She's not giving me any shit, and if she was, I'd still take it because she's a good reason. Again...what's the worst that can happen? I wouldn't be humiliated. This isn't going to be some kind of weird proposal at a hockey game where she ends up walking away and I'm on the news the next night hanging from a noose. This is just between her and me. If she somehow did try to humiliate me, well hell...that would be the easiest thing in the world to cope with. How easy is it to walk away from someone who has earned your hatred?

Sounds like you've had a difficult life man, and while I can appreciate the seasoning of advice from people who have been through the ringer, every relationship is different. Every single one. Not every FEMALE is different, in fact some are quite alike, but whatever happened to you isn't going to happen to everyone. I'd be curious as to your age, your relationship, how it ended, a whole bunch of stuff. You probably have a lot of great advice on a whole host of things...

...but that being said, I'm not sure where I earned your initial contempt. My first response was simple and civil, and you kept on the attack. Hence, I respond in kind. I mean, that screams (to me, at least) that you have some insecurities. I'm not a cunt trying to impress anyone (by the way, why would you "****" "****" and then drop "cunt" a few posts later?). I'm a guy trying to win his 7-year girlfriend back. I can't impress her anymore than I already have. However, I can impress myself and, with time and a little luck, win back the person I still think I'll spend the rest of my life with.

I have not ignored her conscious choice. She told me she wants to be alone for awhile, that things are crazy. I let her go, she's out of the house, I'm taking care of the responsibilities we once shared because I'm able to while she is not. I'm trying to relieve her of the stress that partially drove her to this point. I'm not in her face, I'm not sending texts and e-mails every day begging for her back. I'm letting her do her thing, keeping LC, and if she wants to do something I accept and treat it for what it is to her - a good time with my best friend of 7 years. However, I am planning on getting her back. She may think this, she may not, but regardless I will make one grand attempt at it. If it works, then you probably won't hear from me. If it doesn't, I like to think I'm prepared for that because I've already felt some closure on it - I don't wait for my phone to ring, I'm not wasting hours of the day wondering what she's doing and who she's doing it with. If she says no to this final effort, then I will move on and we will either keep in contact in the future or not. Or maybe I'll lose my shit and come back here and praise you for your insight, wishing I listened to you.