Does this "about me" text have the desired effect?

[adelphos]

Hey,

you probably know this "about me" section on online dating sites.
I would like to know, which impression a person, who does not know me, has after having read my text.
Especially it is important, that it sounds on the one hand self-confident, but by no means arrogant, because I am not arrogant at all. Would you like to get to know a person, who has written this text and why?
The text is as follows:
"I am a person, who enjoys challenges: I like to think about difficult problems and to fathom astonishing relations, I regularly perform in concerts, for which at times I compose something or I just improvise straight on.
Vocationally, my goal is to make fascinating discoveries in my area, which other people can also enjoy - be it because they can be helped or just because of their interest."

[Wakeup]

What you're saying is disjointed and doesn't really say anything about you.

"You like to fathom astonishing relations?" What does that even mean? What it says is that you like to think about awesome relations. Does that mean you actually don't want one, you just want to dream about one?

"You like challenges" That's fine but you haven't said that you're good at conquering said "challenges" or what you've accomplished so far in your life.

You "regularly perform in concerts" but what do you play in these concerts? An instrument? Which one? Do you sing? which genre?

You "compose something" What DO YOU COMPOSE? What is the "something?"

"Vocationally my goal is to make fascinating discoveries in my area? What is your area? What would be some of the things that other people could enjoy? Are you saying you'd like to make a recording and hope that others will enjoy your talent? You're not clear.

"be it so they can be helped" What? "or just because of their interest." Again; What?

You have to rewrite and make sure that your sentences have the structure they need to actually convey what it is that you're tryng to convey.

You'd do well to go to the Profile Creating Help section of your dating site because the impression you leave me with is "confusion."

Good luck.

What do you do for fun?
What are you interests? Other then performing whatever it is you perform in concerts? Is that you're career or is it your hobby?
What are your end dating goals? It would be nice to read what you hope to accomplish while you do your online dating.

[adelphos]

"You like to fathom astonishing relations?" What does that even mean? What it says is that you like to think about awesome relations. Does that mean you actually don't want one, you just want to dream about one?

What I mean, are not social relations, but causal or logical relations between things we observe or think of, for instance an astonishing relation between blue light and the growth of mildew, or between the amount of rain outside and the ability to concentrate, things like that. Maybe I should use another word as "relation" to avoid this ambiguity?

"You like challenges" That's fine but you haven't said that you're good at conquering said "challenges" or what you've accomplished so far in your life.

The answer was intended to be after the colon.

You "regularly perform in concerts" but what do you play in these concerts? An instrument? Which one? Do you sing? which genre?
You "compose something" What DO YOU COMPOSE? What is the "something?"

Ah sorry, I forgot to say, that the answer to this is given in the other sections. I play two instruments and I also sing. The genre is mostly so-called classical music, sometimes Jazz, sometimes something between.
Should I write "compose musical pieces" instead of "compose something"? I thought, that were clear after having mentioned the concerts?

"Vocationally my goal is to make fascinating discoveries in my area? What is your area? What would be some of the things that other people could enjoy? Are you saying you'd like to make a recording and hope that others will enjoy your talent? You're not clear.

This shall mean, that I want to go in research. I just wanted to write in a way which expresses, why I would enjoy that: because of the "fascinating discoveries". Should I write something like "scientific area" instead to make this clear? Or something like "to make fascinating discoveries in research"?

What are your end dating goals? It would be nice to read what you hope to accomplish while you do your online dating.

The goal is to have a serious relationship, that is why I thought I might be appropriate to write such things as my goals in life.

Good luck.

Thank you.