A day doesn't go by without me feeling imprisoned . . . not even an hour. For 10 long years. I am 26. I tried breaking up but she lost it and almost committed suicide. The shrink (and we spoke to 5-6) said I must stay and keep an eye on her or maybe tell her parents and disappear. This wouldn't work. I am not that evil. But who will pay . . . because someone will have to pay the credit I am giving . . . and I am paying . . . every hour. I am guilt. I am hollow.
She is beautiful. You rarely see a girl that gorgeous looking and also smart. She is talented. She paints and sings, she's everything you dreamt for. She is lonely, because she knows I will never be there as I was the first day. Yet she won't let go. she won't let go of me. I am suffocating . . .
Sometimes I think about dead. I am scared. It feels so . . . not what I wanted, but I need an exit.
I love music. Music is the only thing that still touches my soul. Sometimes I drink, and then I drink some more. Sometimes I cry . . . for what hope used to be.
Love is magic. If her love is the only love I could have had, I will die happy because I loved and was loved. But there is always this doubt, is this really the only love? What about another chance . . . don't I get a second try? Looks like a tough one . . .
I need help. I seek help. I got help. Nothing changes, nobody changes. We are still together. We are still lonely. I am not good. She is not bad. Who is right?
I need to get away . . . but I can't. I am empty and there's no hope. I am selfish and then again I am really not. Who can teach me right from wrong?
You don't know me. I don't want you to ever see me. I'd probably be ashamed if you looked me in the eyes and said "I know you. I read this one thing you wrote . . ."
There is so much more. . . stories of physical and emotional abuse. I abused and was abused. Arguing all the time . . . I am sick and not getting better.
What else is there? Maybe I lost it . . . there is nothing left.