What went wrong and can i fix it?

[kelvinw]

Hey everyone,

I'm a new member here and would like to get some advice, insight and help from you all on my current situation.
Well her it goes, it will be quite long because i want to try and put as much detail in as possible.

At the end of december i was at a club and as i was out dancing my eyes caught the attention of this beautiful girl. I have seen her at her work a lot of times but have never spoke to her. Truth is i have been fond on her since first laying eyes on her but was always a little to shy to ask her on a date.
Well anyway as soon i noticed her she also did the same to me. Instantly we both smiled. I then went up to her and we started chatting, dancing and flirting. Before i left that night i got her number, which made that my best night ever So the next day i sent her a text and she responded happily and we contiuned talking throughout the day.
After chatting for a few days we went on a date and everything went very smoothly.
Everything progressed from there, she texted me constantly as i did the same. We went on more dates and i even met her parents after about the 3rd date. We grew closer, watching movies together, laughing and just smiling constantly in each others company. In that time her grandad died which was pretty hard for her but i was always at her side and she loved that. I even went with her and her parents to see her nan, which she and her family thought was nice. I was regularly at hers for tea and such she was always saying she misses me and i should come over and was always reminded by her that 'i am lucky im so ridiculously cute' that she doesn't leave me (in a joking way) because of the movies and music i like. (chick flicks and such) She invited me to a friends birthday party and was sent a text after we left saying how much her friends liked me which felt good. Then came valentines day, where i seriously could not wipe the smile off her face she was so happy. She brought me a lovely bracelet, and wrote on a beautiful card saying " i am so glad i had the chance to meet you, because you just make me so happy. Everytime i am around you i just find myself smiling and i am so lucky to call you my boyfriend." Then a few days later she wrote on a text to me that she really doesn't deserve me and she doesn't ever want to do anything to ever push me away from her.
But then about a week later i notice a slight change in her and she started texting kind of blunt messages and would take ages to reply. I asked her if i did anything wrong and she said no, im just in a bad mood lately because my mum and brother are annoying me and im just tired. So i left it there and then she started to go back to normal, but then a couple of days later she started doing the same thing again... When we were watching movies she was always tired and not really into it and she was always kind of busy. Even though she was staying up late watching movies with her friend... So again i asked her if shes annoyed at me. A few hours after asking that i got a text saying "im so sorry, its just me i always do this. i don't know why but i tend to distance myself from guys when i find myself getting close to them...at first i don't even realise it.. it always happens and i'm sorry, i just completely fail when it comes to relationships, im sorry for making you stress." Then i said do you want this to work, and she said i did, well i do but i don't know, now i'm doing my usual and over thinking. i don't know you deserve someone so much better, someone who can like show you how much you mean to them without feeling uncomfortable. I went on asking her if i can change her mind anyway and she just kept saying she doesn't know why she does it. She said i have been amazing it's just something that just happens with her... So i said is this over and she said i can't see how it can't be
This all hit me deep... just out of nowhere this all happened. The week after this was going to be her birthday and i had already brought all her presents to make her feel special. But she didn't want to talk to me, talk to me face to face because it would be too hard... So i put the presents at her door step and when she found them she sent me a message saying you have to take them back. There is no way i can keep them after what i've put you through. Not even a thank you.... After a day of not speaking she finally agreed to talk face to face. We were both just sitting down awkwardly. I broke the silence but she still just really sat there staring into space saying, im so sorry i can't help this, i don't know why it happens. I said to her is it that you think i will hurt you or something and she said no. I re-assured her that i would never do anything to ever hurt her. I asked her if she would let me go see someone with her to talk about what happens and she said its just something i have to figure out on her own. She wouldn't look me in the eyes at all when we were speaking.. We just sat there in silence. I asked her could she please kick me out because i don't want to leave but she wouldn't. i said why dont you want me to leave and she said nothing.. after about half an hour past i started to tear up, so i got up and walked straight for the door. She followed me crying saying my name but i just kept walking for the door and walked out. I was devastated
The next day i sent her a message and said i was sorry for the way i left and could we have another talk and she said no because honestly last night was hard enough and she couldn't do it again. I said can we still be friends and she replied saying that she can't make any promises to hanging out but she doesn't never want to speak to me again.
I was so bad the days after that. I then found out who she was with before me. i asked him a few questions about what happened and all was much the same as me. He said that she started seeing me only after about 2 weeks after telling him that she didnt want to be in a relationship and was happier single.
My brain was in overdrive and i had a million things going through it :/ Also forgot to say when we spoke face to face the last time, her dad reckons it might be an intimacy issue she has because it was only her first time last year and she was extremely uncomfortable and regrets that. She hasn't got that close to anyone after that. Me and her got really close 2 times and she seemed alright then, but i do remember feeling her shake slightly. I then sent her a message telling her what i think is wrong and she said she doesn't appreciate me checking up on her and psychoanalysing her, and that i needed to stop obsessing over this and move on. I asked why she started seeing me after telling the other guy that she didnt want to be in a relationship because she was happier single only a few weeks earlier. She said because she really really liked me and wanted it to work. She then said again she is so sorry she got involved with me and that her head is stuffed and i clearly deserve someone better.
From then i havent spoken to her for about a week and a half. I even deleted her off my facebook because every time i saw her post's it made me feel worse She wrote a few hours after i deleted her that 'do you actually think i give a s***' as a wall post. But the thing is you have to be checking the persons page to know they have deleted you, so obviously she was on mine and cared enough to dedicated a post to me. Then a few days ago i saw her at a club. She saw me a few times and smiled everytime but i just turned away and acted like i didnt notice. Dont know if that was a good idea or not..

I really really want this girl back because she was amazing in every way and the way she smiled and kissed me she absolutely cared. I just don't understand why she is doing this
Is there any advice you guys could give me to get her back or help on what you think is going on?

Thank you all so much and sorry for the bad punctuation and the messy way i've told you the story, was just kind of late.

[robFord]

Sorry dude, this girl seems pretty messed up emotionally. How old are you? What kind of family was she raised in? Is she a virgin? Have you guys slept together (sex)?

I'm asking these things because I once dated a girl who was raised in a very strict family. She was 23 and was slowly blooming into a woman, but still a few years behind her development. She's had a few boyfriends before me, but they were not physically or emotionally worth considering, just ideas of crushes that she felt she needed to pursue.

Anyways, she broke up with me a few months into the relationship, I was caught off guard then but now it makes perfect sense to me. She's just wasn't ready for that kind of emotion. She didn't know what to do with her feelings because she was scared of opening herself up to me and being that vulnerable to someone. It was my fault too. I was like you, I was in puppy love, I was always around, being the perfect guy that her parents would like, just always making sure that I was always available for her. That's a lot to handle after a while, there's no pull, she didn't have to work for my attention and if it's too easy for a girl, she'll lose interest and it'll manifest itself in different ways.

I backed off for a couple months, I didn't talk to her at all and eventually she reached out to me again. If you guys really had a good connection, there's no way she won't be extremely upset when she realizes she has to plug a gaping whole that use to be your time together. Eventually she'll miss the hell out of you. I'm not suggesting you do this to play games just to get her back, you didn't do anything wrong per say the first time around, but you didn't do it right either. People always want what they can't have, or what they have to work for. If you give her everything too much too soon, she's bound to want something else cuz there was no challenge. We eventually got back together, and it was better the second time around 'cuz she had a better sense of who she wanted to be in the relationship. Didn't last though, I lost patience having to be the one hand holding her every step of the way of becoming a woman.

So. Back off, give her space and when she eventually contacts you, have fun with her. Flirt with her, go dancing, go do the things that will make her excited to want to spend time with you. But don't go overboard with the emotions this time. Make her chase you a bit. Be a man she can't resist being attracted to. Good luck.

[kelvinw]

Hey mate thanks for the reply.
Um I'm 20 and she is 18. Her family arn't overly strict, they allow her to be her self. I don't think her parents have anything to do with the way she is to me honest.
Well she only lost her virginity early last year and hasn't been as intimate since that day apart from being with me. We never had sex because i'm not one to pressure someone but we got very close. Her dad told me the other day that i have without a doubt been the closest with her out of all her boyfriends.
Because her first time was very uncomfortable for her i think that every time a relationship gets to the sleeping together stage again she pushes guys away because i think she is afraid again. Like i asked her if that was the case and thats when she said stop psychoanalysing me. Everything that she has told me and her friends have told me all seem to make this the reason. But she won't let me talk to her at all atm and seems to have just wiped me off her map, so i can't even try and talk with her face to face about it.
We were only together for a few months but by the things she wrote to me, the way she kissed me, the way she invited me into her live so quick makes me think she really doesn't want to do this. Surely she would still be thinking about me, since we use to talk every day and now not at all..

I really want to keep trying as i really want this girl, but i just don't know if she is too stubborn to open her feelings.
She obviously wants a relationship if she wanted to be with me so soon after telling the other guy she was happier single.