Very Confused after splitting up with Girlfriend - help!

[Michael12345]

Hi,

I was seeing my ex-girlfriend for about a year until we broke up nearly 2 months ago. We are both the same age, 24 and met at work. We immediately clicked and were soon seeing each other, however looking back now, we rushed things and our relationship became so intense which in hindsight was a big mistake. Also, her previous relationships had been with older men who had money and she was very much attached to the material things in life. When we met, she convinced me she no longer wanted those things and liked me for me and wanted to love me etc..
Not having a great deal of experience in relationships, I assured her everything would be ok and for the first 6 months things were so amazing between us and we discussed the future, marriage, family etc. After a period of time, I moved jobs & we didnt see each other constantly making things less intense which was good, however afer a few months she kept saying, I miss my old lifestyle, I'm not right for you, you need to move on, I don't know what I want, I'm confused etc etc. She admitted she was awkward and I constantly put up with it and would spend hours talking to her convincing her things would work out between us. However, it got to a point where I could no longer take it and a week after she wanted a 'break' I decided enough was enough and ended our relationship. It hurt me a lot and still does; I still love her and think about her all the time and its so tempting to contact her but dont feel I should and know I should really move on but its so hard. I feel she should come back to me after the way she treated me if she truly cares & loves me for me which I know she does, but she is one of these people who finds it hard to express feeling and emotion. I'm not sure what to do and if anything even if we didnt get back together, I want her to try and change as person because there were so many wonderful things about her, but similarly I don't think she truly appreciated the things that really matter in life. If anyone has been in a similar situation or could give me some advice I would really appreciate it.

Many Thanks

TK

[Cain]

She seems too materialistic for you. In my opinion, you not being able to give her the lifestyle she wants was a major part of the reason for the breakup. There's other women out there, man... move on and find someone better.

[IndiReloaded]

Sounds to me like you were an 'experiment' for her. She tried to convince herself, and you in the process, that she was looking for something different. In the end, the experiment failed for her, but she had a hard time breaking it off, so she left you to get fed up & do it for her. Sorry, mate.

BTW, I don't see anything wrong w/a partner being clear about their needs in a relationship. If someone needs financial security, best to be upfront about that kind of thing. No different than a partner who needs an intelligent mate, sex on a daily basis, etc. Its all about getting those basic needs met.

I'm guessing this was a mixed-culture relationship. Just curious if I'm right.

[Michael12345]

thanks for your comments & I think your both right. It's a mixed culture thing but I can't help thinking in the future she will wake up and and want a 'normal/stable' life (again!) & may come running back. Obviously I'm going to try & move forward with my life as you can't live hanging on, but it really hurts because we did have something good. She is still confused I think and don't think its wise to contact her? To be honest there are times when I wish I had been wiser and stopped things at a very early stage when there were signs of potential trouble in he future but I guess we are all a bit naive at times but will hopefully learn from our mistakes!

[IndiReloaded]

So much in life & relationships is timing, Mike.

Mbe she will wake up one day, mbe not. Its her path, tho. All you can do is live your life the best you can. I've always thought that a final, no pressure talk ending with a 'thanks for the good times' & wishing someone well is a classy thing to do.

Is she asian? Do you know about mono no aware? Look it up if not.

[Michael12345]

hey indireloaded (sorry don't know your full name!)
Yes she is Asian! I'm half Indian myself! A big problem in our relationship was also because we both still lived at home so didnt get to spend much quality time together and she didnt want to introduce me to her dad as he would put pressure on her to get married. Thankfully we never took that step although the rest of her family were very nice - when I had the chance to see them which was rare as he was always about! But it wasn't a religious thing or anything like that which made us break up although to be honest towards the end she was even saying, we are from different cultures blah blah but they were all excuses for her wanting to break up but not actually having the guts to say it!! Your right though about it being her path and what she ultimately wants in life. She said such deep things to me at times, like we were pratically married! lol. Thing is whenever I said things to her, my feelings were always 100% but I have learnt now words must be understood and said with caution as they can be very meaningful and can cause a lot of hurt down the line. Sometimes I wish I hadn't met her but guess I must look at the positives I got from being with her. When we split up she said 'lets give it 6 months or a year' and see where we we are but to be honest I think I must carry on with my life and if I meet someone special than so be it. Maybe I will say what you suggest to her although I'm suprised she hasnt contacted me yet! Maybe she is playing cat and mouse but I hope not! Thing is if I contact her I don't want to sound like I'm desperate!! Haven't heard of mono no aware but I will look it up now!

[IndiReloaded]

You know, Mike, sometimes ppl date for a while, have fun & realize that there just isn't a good long term 'fit'. This is a perfectly okay conclusion to a relationship.

You said you learned lots from her. That's good, so I wouldn't think of her in terms of wishing you never met her. That's just you missing her/your relationship. The feeling will pass, I promise.

I don't know if you've had a look around this forum, but if not, you should know that your breakup is actually one of the more reasonable ones. No big hoo-hoo, everyone relatively calm & not too much draahma. Congratulations, you are one of the rare few that learned that lesson early on.

So, my advice still holds. When the opportunity arises, I would thank her for the good times you had & simply wish her well. So long as you don't try to discuss getting back together, you won't seem desperate at all. And she might one day actually remember you fondly as 'that reasonable, good guy I dated'. That can only be a good thing, either for you (if you ever do get back together), or for the next fellow she dates.

You seem like a reasonable young man, Mike. I wish you well.

[inoccence]

first, you will never be able to change her, EVER!! second, right now you and her are just not meant to be. heres that saying... let her go, if she comes back - giving all of herself to you... then maybe think about it. Right!