My LDR suggested that open relationships aren't the worst idea....

[DamienLaura]

About 1.5 years ago, I met a girl and for the past year we have been having a long distance relationship. We have flown to each others countries a few times but we live extremely far.
For the past 2 months, I have been trying to make a plan to go live there which isn't an easy thing since getting a visa to work in the USA is a mission.

Anyways, for the past month she has been extremely frustrated that we aren't together and that this is taking long, which I understand. The other day, we started bickering so I told her to understand I'm doing everything I can to get there but it might take some time considering all the requirements in moving countries.

So we take a week break to give each other space an she sends me a lovely email being honest and truthful about her feelings and frustrations but really wanting to make this work.
This evening we were chatting on the phone and she says that this would have been so much easier for her and less stressful if we were in an open relationship where we could explore. Not necessarily bonk every other person but meet people and see what happens. Now, this is in complete violation of my understanding of how to build love, trust and a future. I told her that if I'm making a decision to leave everything behind for a person, the least I want is pure dedication and absolute commitment. I said to her, how am I supposed to make a decision to come and be with you when I know that you're possible having coffee with another guy and sending flirty texts or making out with him in the park.

She seems to think it's OK because our relationship is long distance, "unique" and she isn't sure if I will ever come be with her despite me reassuring her.
She also hasn't said she specifically wants to do it but that it would have been a good option to help her deal with the stress and frustration, but overall she just wants me with her.

To me this feels like it has cheapened the relationship. I feel betrayed even though she hasn't done anything. The thought that she doesn't see anything wrong with exploring and having an open relationship really irks me, to the point where I want to end this. For me its a fundamental issue. Maybe I'm just old school and she is a lot more liberal and able to talk about these things? Am I being too had on her? She hasn't done anything or requested we have an open relationship but with me gearing up to go there, I feel like I would have just wanted that person to say "I have never wanted another man and you are all I want, now get your cute butt here", not "I have never wanted another man and you are all I want but this is stressful so maybe it would have been ok to have an open relationship until you get her, not that I necessarily want it but as a concept it could have helped me deal with the distance."

So the overall issue is that she hasn't done anything but we have a fundamental difference in what we believe a long distance relationship can be like and the core of what an LDR is. I trust very well that in a normal relationship she would have never said this.

Am I just being crazy? Tonight she ended the conversation with I love you but I just couldn't say it back after taking all this in.

Oh, by the way, I'm 31 and she is 29.

[Valixy]

LDRs are difficult, yes, but they are equally frustrating for both people involved and they both need to be strong. One year is not that much as to already reach the end of her patience, especially when you are fully committed and doing all you can to be together with her as soon as possible. On the other hand you can't give her an exact date for when you could be with her and she isn't exactly the best person to handle an indefinite LDR. My opinion is that she is slowly checking out of the relationship and unless you have a time frame that you could both agree to respect, you'd better try to forget this girl who will sooner or later want to be with someone closer to her.

It's disappointing that she didn't know you well enough by now as not to suggest an open relationship. I also think that if she loved you enough she wouldn't feel the need to explore with other guys but the fact that she has been honest with you it's a good point for her.

Looking for someone who lives closer to you that you could have a real daily relationship with from the start, will give more possibilities of being happy in the long term.

[basilandthyme]

I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that perhaps she's already cheated and is now looking for permission to do it openly. Like it or not, LDRs don't satisfy one's needs for physical intimacy. Not just sex, but also just being in the same proximity as the partner.

Sure, I could be wrong and she may not have cheated. But make no mistake, she's telling you loud and clear that the LDR isn't working for her in it's current state.

[DamienLaura]

Thanks for the feedback. I think you both make very valid points.

In her message this morning, she said "I don't think what I was trying to say came out the right way" and "I was trying to explain why us possibly wasting our time is one of my fears and why the idea of an open relationship at that time made it sound less stressful, but I understand why it was hurtful to you and for that I apologise"

I do agree with what you both say, she is possibly checking out of the LDR and basically giving me an ultimatum. Either you come soon or this should end. I almost feel like although she really does love me and wants to be together, cutting our losses for her would just be easier. I really dont think she actually cheated, maybe met someone who peaked her interest and this got her thinking, has she been wasting her time with me? This probably lead to her saying that if our relationship had been open and we came to an end, she wouldn't have wasted her time, which is flawed logic to me.

I sent her quite a long email earlier. I'll have to see how she responds.

I'm on the fence at the moment and still seething about the issue. I really don't know what to do. I love her and think she's wonderful but maybe we are just two completely incompatible people with different views that could hurt us in the long run. I'm supposed to meet up with her in Europe in August which is just 2 months away and as much as I am looking forward to it, I still cannot give her a concrete end date...no matter how badly I want to. I cant make that decision, its up to employers and visa sponsorships. Oh, and she says she isnt too sure how shes feels about coming to my country, even as a temporary solution. My career pays more than hers, has a greater ability to earn and grow so I suggested maybe she comes here, we could find her a part time job, I'd sell my motorcycle to buy a second car but she is scared to leave her life behind.