I'll just jump right into my issues.
I'm going to be 21 in a couple of weeks and for as long as I can remember I have been reluctant to share my feelings and seek help for my problems. It started in the 6th grade when I got my first taste of bullying and for some bizarre reason all throughout my school years I was a magnet for bullying by some of the most popular kids. I always thought about talking with my parents about it but all hopes were gone during the beginning of 8th grade. Again I was at odds with the most popular set of kids, the bullying beginning in 7th grade when I went to a new middle school. I told my mom that I was having some problems with someone at school and she just told me to deal with it, that I would have to deal with people I didn't like all throughout life.
That did it for me, what she said told me that she didn't care for the issues I was facing at school and I simply locked down and to this day have never spoken a word about all the bullying I went through with my parents. What worries me is the effect of having all these feelings bottled up inside for nearly ten years. The anger, sadness, despair...pretty much every negative feeling you can have. I've never told them of the suicidal thoughts I occasionally had. I'm nearly 21 and feel that I shouldn't constantly be looking back on all the bullying I went through, it’s something that's held me back in many ways. I haven't come to terms with it all and still have grudges against the people who bullied me.
I also have the agonizing regret of not having stood up for myself but that could have put me in potentially disastrous situations. Many of the people I was at odds early on (7th-10th) with were involved with gangs and we all know how that could have ended up.
Instead I resorted to killing my bullies with kindness and tolerance. Believe me it was a titanic struggle and felt as though many times I would break. Perhaps this stance is something that egged them on but eventually some of them became..."Frienemies" and even friends. The bullying waned during junior year but by no means was it gone. It spiked again as a friend and I became the whipping boys of our group. I have plenty of good friends and in the years since graduation I cleared the friend roster of all the troublesome folk.
The advice I'm looking for is how can I go about settling these long held issues? How can I slowly come out and speak with people about it? I've only ever talked openly with myself; out loud and in my mind and I can honestly say that nearly every time the pain and memories of all those years bring me to tears. This leads to a greater fear of breaking down in front of someone. My brother is the only one in my family who knows that I went through it all and even then I only scratched the surface when I told him. Even though I have good friends I don't feel comfortable speaking about it with any of them. A few of them witnessed it first hand and did nothing, which is painful for sure. But the laws of High School Society are savage at best. I know all these pent up emotions can't be healthy, emotionally and mentally so I turn to you kindly strangers for a push in the right direction.