I discovered a deal breaker for my relationship the other day - one that I didn't know existed for me personally until I was faced with it. I haven't entirely decided what to do with this information/situation but I know that I don't want it to continue or for me to have to continue to be a part of it.
I have been with my boyfriend for about 3.5 years and it has been mostly a good relationship. I'd say that within the last six to eight months, however, things have been getting a little rough - Thus, prior to finding out this information, I had already been starting to think of a way out of the relationship without totally breaking this poor guys heart. We live together and it's been a difficult ride for me to make a concrete decision on whether to stay and work on the relationship or to go and work on my relationship with myself.
My boyfriend was married before, they had one child together and she had two children already from a previous relationship. They got divorced, my boyfriend pays child support for two of them while only one of them is biologically related to him. He considers and treats all three kids as his own.
What I found out - the oldest girl (whom my boyfriend does not pay child support for) just turned sixteen. She asked for a guitar - we got her one, along with everything she could possibly need to start learning how to play. Most 16 year olds ask for a car for this birthday so we were happy to get her what she actually wanted vs having to go car shopping.
ON her birthday, I found out, second or third hand from a friend, that my boyfriend's ex-wife was telling people that he had promised to buy this girl a car and then changed his mind because he told her that he bought me a new car instead. I DO have a new car, but I made the purchase alone - uncluding the down payment, all the fees, and the loan for it is in MY name - he had nothing to do with it. My boyfriend also just purchased a newer vehicle but I had to help him financially in order for him to be able to afford it at the time he bought it.
Why this concerns me - I normally don't care what types of rumors people want to throw around about me, in fact, I usually just makes jokes about them, saying that if only my life were really that interesting....but this one directly involves my boyfriends children. I am afraid one of three things is going on here - either A) He really did tell his ex-wife this in an attempt to cover up the fact that he irresponsibly bought a vehicle for himself when he said he would buy one for this daughter and in order to make himself look better. B) She made this story up in order to justfy why she didn't make an attempt to purchase a car for this daughter in order to make herself look better or C) She is doing this in order to cause some type of animosity between all of us, making me look a money grubbing girlfriend in process, and possibly even using her children as pawns between her and my boyfriend.
Why this is a deal breaker - I dont want to be the person who starts coming between my boyfriend and his children, no matter whether this is all a lie or partially or all true. I dont want that. No one should have to be in a relationship wtih someone who ends up creating a problem with them seeing/being around/affecting the relationship with them and their children. I didn't sign on for being someones pawn in a game of who can treat their children the best/worst. Granted, when I entered into a relationship with a man who has children, I knew there would be soem different issues that I would have to do deal with, given that I dont have any of my own, nor do I ever really plan on having any children of my own --- but this was something that I considered to be one of those conflicts you see mostly in movies and less in real life. Now that it has entered real life, I just flat out dont want to deal with it.
I haven't confronted my boyfriend about this information - its only been a day or two and we are on schedules that make serious conversation time very limited - and I dont really know how to tell him that this is something that I no longer want to be a part of. I know his reaction will be something along the lines of telling me that his ex-wife is lying and causing trouble and that the people this rumor went through aren't totally reliable but I dont care about those things. Whether its a lie or not, whether these people got the story confused/mixed up or not, this is NOT the way that I want to be viewed as a person, reguardless of the truth.
So, what do you guys think? Am I being too harsh about this/ over-reacting, or is this something that maybe I am not reacting to wildly enough?? Advice welcome!