Help..holiday's coming and my BF parents hate me and Im not allowed at their home

[boldblondie]

So here is my problem.....me and my bf have been seeing each other for over a year now. The relationship started as friends, friends with benefits, best friends with benefits and now head over in heals in love and living with each other and are talking about marriage. He is the love of my life and I am his. The problem is his parents. I am still married. I have been separated over two years now, my husband (soon to be ex) was supposed to have funded half of our divorce over a year ago, and then he became incarcerated..(wonder why I don't want to be married to him). During is incarceration he can essentially get the divorce for free, but he has to initiate it, otherwise it's going to cost me about $1800 for a lawyer and I have done a lot of shopping around for the best prices. And of course we are now 8mo later and guess what no divorce from his side. I was separated from my husband in in this situation of not being able to afford the divorce before I met my current BF. I have recently discussed this with my parents and they have agreed that if he does not give me something by the end of the month they will loan me the money, so by the end of the year I will be divorced.

My current BF knows of the situation and has been very patient. The problem is that once his parents found out about our relationship over a year ago, they immediately disapproved b/c I was still legally married. I also have two children from that marriage as well, which they do not like. So for the first several months we dated behind their backs...also his is 36 and I am 33 so we are not teenagers here. When we first met he was living with his parents as he had just moved her to help them with their farm as they are now in their 70's. They even went as far as telling my bf that if he continued seeing me that he was out of the farm. He was so torn by this, but ultimately he told them that they can not dictate his life and we made the decision to move in with each other. Although, they are relaxing some now, he will go to their house every so often, help them with a few farming things, even though his brother has disowned him completely b/c he does not approve of this lifestyle choice. I will also note that when me and my bf were just friends I was allowed to come over, (they were my neighbors0 we had many conversations and his dad was even on of my tax clients. But once they discovered the relationship that abruptly stopped and he was banned from seeing me. So we have had this ongoing issue for a while.

So now we are at the holidays...and I mentioned it a few weeks ago. And he told me that he would be with me both Thanksgiving and XMas. But his mom called the other day and wants him to come over....and of course I am not invited, and he has now decided to go to his mom's for Thanksgiving but spend XMAS with me. But XMAS is always at his brothers and his brother will not even invite him much less me. So we got into a big discussion and my question to him was" is this how its always going to be, us being apart on the Holidays'. Also, he has yet to sit down with them and explain why I am still legally married, and yes he did go against their wishes but he has never really stood up them and defended me. So, when I asked him is this ever going to change he said"someday, hopefully" and I responded..."how do you know that you have not even talked with them about your feelings for me" And at that moment he said "And I won't, not until your divorce is final" He says after that then he will disclose his intentions.....that he wants to marry me. I would also like to make note that my family is very open to him, he has spent time with my mom but not my dad as of yet. But he was invited to an annual camping trip that has been a family tradition of mine since i was a child and he did not go, and now after telling my parents he would be there, I am now telling him no he will not.

Is it to much for me to ask that sometime before now and thanksgiving he talk with his parents and tell them how much he loves me and at least defend my honor? Explain to them that the only reason I am still married is simply a formality and a lack of funds, and that this is very close to being over? I mean he does not have to them them now that he wants to marry me, just stand up for me. And, Im honest, i am very upset that we don't get to spend our first holiday's together, and his position is this is our first of many...no big deal. I am afraid of this affecting our relationship, bc I feel myself getting angry over this. i feel so confused. I mean this is the man that I am talking about marring for God's sake, not just a BF. I mean we are already talking about wedding plan's and (this is him not me that has brought this up) even though he has not officially proposed with a ring yet.

Is it wrong of me to feel that he should tell them hey, I told my GF that I would go to her family's Thanksgiving. B/c he did tell me that initially? Am I over reacting? I do not want to put him in a compromising situation as his parents have done. And I try to understand that he is wanted to stay on good terms with his parents, but I also feel that he should have a conversation with them now, I mean we are living together and they know that. What is wrong with him defending me now, and standing up to them. Also, I have never ever been in a situation as this. Although things did not work out with me and my ex, his family ha
s always treated me like family, even now they do.

Please any advice would be good. Thanks

[Poetic_Partner]

Normally I'd defer to his parents wishes regarding the whole "seeing a married woman" thing. You situation seems to be one of the exceptions though.

You may have a marriage legally, but morally and socially most would agree that you do not have a marriage, and both of you are plenty old enough to decide how to proceed with your relationship.

There are two issues that have really worked against you, though:
"the first several months we dated behind their backs"
"he has yet to sit down with them and explain why I am still legally married"

Obviously, all they see is that their son has been sneaking around with a married woman. Your bf needs ASAP to explain the situation to his family, PLUS explain why you two felt ashamed of your relationship early on - and to try to do so without blaming his family.

"he has never really stood up them and defended me"
This is perfectly understandable, but is also unacceptable. He needs to get beyond his own fears, insecurities and deference to his parents' family. YOU are becoming his family now. He is having trouble making that transition, which again is perfectly understandable, and the two of you may need to have a heart-to-heart about it. When a man as loyal to family as your bf stands up to his elders for the first time it's very frightening for him, but it does need to be done.

-PP