Infatuated? PLEASE READ... I need help.

[DWT2001]

I have been infatuated with a guy for 6 years, the very first time i saw him i was completely floored and thereafter, everytime i saw him my heart literally pounded and i would feel like some school kid having a huge crush.

The trouble is i have been "infatuated" with this guy for so long and my question is this...

How can i just be "infatuated" if i have had this guy in my heart and mind for so many years...? Is it love i feel or infatuation???

We arranged to meet up years ago but it never happened... (the reason being that he was ill at the time), since then i have been frequenting the bar where he works and we have talked and he likes me but we have both agreed to not "spoil" our friendship by having a fling...

The guy is in a relationship so i know there would be no future in it even if anything were to happen... yet i cannot get him out of my head and what is even stranger is that it is not a lust driven feeling (entirely), i just feel like i am completely in love with him and am powerless to do anything about it.

Infatuation CANNOT last this long... can it?

Now i am getting very friendly and i *know* he likes me as he spends much time talking to me and me solely in the bar, even when he is busy... i do not think he wants to spoil that... but as much as i am happy to be friends i am still pining for more and i know it...

I have never known anything like this before... a part of me feels like i have known him all my life... i feel a true deep feeling of complete adoration for him... even when i have been involved with another, i still have him in my mind which means that nobody else stands a chance...

Should i cease to be friends and move on? It seems a shame as we are getting on so well...

I have read about infatuation but nowhere have i read it can be so long lasting... so i have concluded i love him, it simply cannot be anything else...

He also discourages me to get close to anyone else... i think he would like to be with me but cannot and as the feeling is mutual, it just keeps me wanting something that cannot be.... i do not know if i can do the "friends" thing only for much longer.

What should i do?

[Gigabitch]

Oh, my God. You should run.

First of all, infatuation is what happens before you really get to know someone, so I don't see why it shouldn't last for six years, since you still don't really know him.

Let's look at what we do know, though:

1) He's in a relationship, yet he pays lots of attention to you and discourages you to get involved with others. He's a dick.

2) He says he doesn't want to 'spoil the friendship'. He has no intention of committing to you, even if you sleep with him.

3) You were supposed to meet up and didn't, a year ago, and he's made no attempt to meet up since. He's not even interested.

You're not even the Plan B girl. He's keeping you hanging there because it makes his ego happy, not because he has any real interest in you.

I feel you, I really do. I had a crush on someone once for four years. I'm not just being a bitch (despite my SN) for the fun of it. I'm saying these things because I think you need to wake up and smell the coffee, honey. He sounds like a total chode to me.

[DWT2001]

Thanks for replying Giga... i *know* the guy has a big ego and its quite obvious yet that does not put me off... its pathetic really... i am NOT showing over interest but i am quite happily being friendly but not on a one sided basis.

I think you are right, i am merely boosting his ego and that makes him feel good about him...

Why do we often want what we cannot have? Moreover, why do we often want something that is so obviously wrong for us in the first place? Its like Gods sick joke sometimes.

UGH! This is so not happening anymore.

If anyone else wants to tell me the same i would appreciate... but Giga, you are right... i am grateful for your advice.

Thank you.

[IndiReloaded]

Why do we often want what we cannot have? Moreover, why do we often want something that is so obviously wrong for us in the first place? Its like Gods sick joke sometimes.

Some ppl are addicted to the drama. Only happy when they are unhappy. Like bacteria that only thrive in shit.

In case noone ever told you, 'God' gives you the choice to be happy ya know. Find someone who isn't a dick. Problem solved.

[Gigabitch]

He must be one incredibly good-looking, sexy, charming dick.

[DWT2001]

He must be one incredibly good-looking, sexy, charming dick.

Well, thats the problem, often men with good looks and big egos normally have LOTS of charm... its part of the attraction... they KNOW it also... but its often so appealing and i hate it because i know he is a potential asshole really...

I am not keeping his ego inflated anymore... thats all he is interested in and he loves the attention, i am going to remain friendly but distance myself very slowly...

[nuttybuddy]

Bacteria that thrive in Sh**! hahahahahha i love it.

Hey DWT2001,
Sorry to hear your infatuation has gone on for so long. Yeah, that guy does not sound like a good guy to be waiting for. If he was interested in you, he would've made a move by now by dumping his gf and going for u. The fact that he hasn't done that, is enough answer.

Ya know, you could rattle him up a bit by bringing a date to the bar, and you'll probably be able to read his jealous looking face, but don't even go there. He's not worth it. I mean, yeah, he'll get jealous, and maybe he'll finally want to talk to you alone privately to try to do something about it, but you don't wanna guy who's unfaithful to his gf that way. He's just an all around player in my opinion.

Stay away from him. Don't go to that bar. Besides... do u really wanna be hooked up with a guy who works at a bar?? I mean, do u see a future in that?

Btw, I've had guys WITH gf's hit on me. They were confessing their love for me saying that they were going to dump their gf's for me. It's sick and crazy, I know. So I'm just saying, this guy would've confessed to you by now if he really liked you whether he had a gf or not. 6 years is just tooooooooo looooooooooong to wait for anyone. That's more than half a decade!!!

[DWT2001]

I know, 6 years being infatuated with someone who is not even available is a huge waste... but it happens...

This guy is a player and i am glad he did not want to play me... i think he genuinely likes me so at least he had the decency not to f**k with my mind... as it happens, i am glad as we get on well and now i just know it was not meant... thats life, i thought long and hard about this last night and it really is time to move on... the guy is gorgeous but not worth the heartache of a meaningless fling...

I am moving on... thanks all.

[vashti]

Are you hanging out in his bar alone? To add a diferent perspective, perhaps he *does* like you (as a friend), and he is discouraging you from dating the other bar-flies. Picking up men in bars is rarely a good idea.

In any case, he isn't interested in you. You should quit hanging around. You aren't ever going to meet a guy worth having if you keep hanging around a bar pining away after the bartender.

[graeme]

wow i jsut thought of something u said he works in a bar alot of bartenders are hired because they look good and have a certain charm it what makes them appealing for women and gets the buisness in i supose think of that

[DWT2001]

Are you hanging out in his bar alone? To add a diferent perspective, perhaps he *does* like you (as a friend), and he is discouraging you from dating the other bar-flies. Picking up men in bars is rarely a good idea.

In any case, he isn't interested in you. You should quit hanging around. You aren't ever going to meet a guy worth having if you keep hanging around a bar pining away after the bartender.

I did not fully explain the circumstances... this guy *DID* want to meet up and on several occasions we came close to it then when we finally arranged a meet, he was taken ill...

After swapping emails etc... after a very lengthy period, i emailed and said i had decided NOT to meet up as i should respect the fact he is already in a commited relationship...

This guy knows i like him... and *maybe* he likes me too but because of the mutual feeling of LIKING each other, he agreed that we should not spoil a friendship...

I am not dreaming this up here, i genuinely believe he LIKES me and that in itself is OK, i guess he also thinks that a fling would sour a friendship...

I am happy to be friends, i can clearly see he is the kind of guy to avoid... he is a player and there is no doubt in my mind if anything HAD happened, i would have been hurt... as things stand now, i can happily be the one that he has NOT had... and that keeps him interested... because at the end of the day, I was the one that said NO... the only problem was i still wanted him... it was a dilemma i had for ages... go with him and get hurt or not go and regret it... either way there was no win for me... i wanted him yet i did not want to get hurt... because i knew there was no future in it...

I made the right decision a long time ago... but it still sucks.

I just need to start opening my eyes to what else is out there...

[Ellynn]

I have been there.....being infatuated w/ someone who was with someone else. It sucks. Yet, they make you feel like something more will happen by flirting or whatever. It makes you think you stand a chance, while really all they are doing is feeding their ego.

You need to look at the reality of it(as hard as it is) and move on.

[Gigabitch]

I just need to start opening my eyes to what else is out there...

This makes me want to go man-hunting with you. I think I've had at least one representative of every kind of bad one, so I know what to look for. I could pick a winner for you.

[DWT2001]

This makes me want to go man-hunting with you. I think I've had at least one representative of every kind of bad one, so I know what to look for. I could pick a winner for you.

Sounds like it would be a great night out...

I do not NEED a man... i just WANT one.

I keep telling myself that... over and over...

Just gotta put a smile on and be HAPPY..... confidence and happiness is attractive, i usually end up having too many drinks but by then i am not bothered about being alone...

[DWT2001]

I have been there.....being infatuated w/ someone who was with someone else. It sucks. Yet, they make you feel like something more will happen by flirting or whatever. It makes you think you stand a chance, while really all they are doing is feeding their ego.

You need to look at the reality of it(as hard as it is) and move on.

The most insidious part of being infatuated with a person for so long who is already commited is there is so much time to IDEALIZE that person and of course NONE of it is reality, but with encouragement and the slightest bit of flirting, it just magnifies all that idealizing and makes it seem even more possible, even if it isnt... its like being thrown crumbs and its really hard to move on when you *think* there was/could be a chance.

I simply MUST forget this guy, but i feel literally empty... i feel like my stomach inside has been scooped out... its just horrible feeling this way... then i get a good day but that feeling comes in waves.

As of now i am NOT going to obsess about this guy any longer, i am so done with feeling like this... its all in my head and one day i will wonder why the hell i spent so long wishing for something that is just an illusion, what is in my head is MY ideal of what i think it would be like to be with him... and even i know that it would not be anything of the sort.

Are you with someone now Giga?