Feel so heartbroken and wronged, don't know what to do

[Complexwoman]

Hey guys, thanks for clicking but I'll need your help on this one. Its going to be a long story...
I met my first love when I moved to England from my home country, I recall being 15/16 at the time, he is a couple of months younger than I. We went to the same school and were friends for the first year of us knowing each other. After that, a former mutual friend of ours, myself and him took some time out of school to hang on in our town's shopping centre, I asked him out then and he said yes and that was how our relationship started. To be honest, I didn't get into it with the best intentions, I liked a popular guy at our school at the time and when I look back, although I liked my ex I think I asked him out to get over Mr popular because I was known in my year but not as popular as he was. My ex, on the other hand was what other students called part of the weird group, but I didn't care one bit about that. We went out for 3 years, during those years, we broke up 3 times (once on my part and twice on his). The funny thing is, I truly loved him, when I ended things i did so to his face out of respect, but he broke up with me on facebook and by text. That should have been my first warning, but I kept loving him foolishly.

Fast forward to university, I went away to uni to study and talked to him for a bit during my first year. But he was never a good boyfriend; he was faithful and nice when he wanted to be, but on other times he would practically ignore my existence and focus on his games and never text or call etc. So, I got drunk on a night off once and sent him a message on facebook saying something along the lines of 'I want you to know that I'm done and will forget about you' - that was it for my first year of uni.
Second year - I contact him, he doesn't want to talk at first but we start talking soon. He later told me that he ended things the last time because he didn't think he was the long distance type (I am only 20 minutes away by train!) . Then he started playing the 'uncaring' card again while I was the one obviously wanting to reconcile. I can remember sending a text once saying 'I miss you' and the reply I got was 'aww'. Things came to a head when we had a skype call and I literally poured my heart out to him saying how much I loved him and didn't care what other people (my friends and parents included) thought about him, but the problem I had was that I was already planning my life outside of our hometown. I'm hoping to get a job in London once I graduate and improving whatever career I choose, but he is the opposite - he just never thought about life outside of our town. We talked and realised this, what was worse was that he told me that he didn't love me as much as I loved him after all this time. We stopped talking, I blocked him on fb, deleted his number, had some heart-wrenching dreams about watching him canoodle with a new girl, listened to sad/uplifting songs and then I forgot. I also met someone who I fancied for a bit, but it was only casual and lasted for a short while.
Third year of uni - he texts me, I ignored his first few messages. But then I thought, 'I am 21, never had sex and quite lonely. Rather than make the mistake of losing my V card to some faceless guy at a club, here is someone who I've loved and still love a bit. Why not loose it to him and have good memories about losing it to someone worthy?' Boy, was I wrong! After a few investigative texts, I find out that he hasn't lost his V card to anyone either, so I invite him over. We had a few drinks in a bar and then went over to mine. Throughout the night we cuddled and kissed and whatnot, he was quite expressive unlike before. We finally had sex in the early morning, but it was unprotected because for some reason he couldn't get in with a condom on....we tried by the way, and I regret that decision if anyone is thinking about that. I send him home as soon as possible so i could run off to the pharmacy and get the morning after pill just to be safe. Here is where it gets interesting, he texts me later saying 'do you want to do that again sometime?" and I said 'yeah but later'. Then I later text him saying 'are you free this sat?", he first asks 'why?" and then 'never mind'. I ask him if he's free the other week and he says yes.
Then, I wake up to his text one afternoon:

Him - what are we doing? I need to know
Me - sure, what's on your mind?
Him - I have a date.....blah blah blah....I hope you understand
Me - sure, good luck (even though I was reeling inside)
Him - thanks for your understanding

I went to work and pushed it to the back of my mind. But over the next days, I felt an array of emotions from non-caring, sad, angry, jealous, hurt, disappointed, happy for him and resigned. That's when I realised that a little part of me was hoping that we would get back together.
I've tried blocking him, but unlike the previous year that hasn't worked. I will block him on fb and then unblock him. Plus, from his fb page I suspected who he was dating and stalked her for a bit. Then while casually dropping on his fb page last night, I find out that he had gotten into a relationship with the girl in question. To say I'm heartbroken is an understatement, I loved this guy for 5 years and to think that I was worth nothing and could be replaced hurts a lot. What's even worse is that this happened around my finals and judging from my exam performance, I really hope I passed. For years, I always imagined that we would end up together, live together, marry etc. Now I have to undo all these dreams and emotions. I have played a part in this too, I must admit. I met his parents as soon as we started going out but he never met mine (in my culture, you only introduce a guy or girl to your parents if you are thinking of marriage and we hadn't gone there yet), we never really had a first date and ours consisted of him coming over to mine and us going to second base, he never got me flowers (but got me a little teddy bear once), I got rid of every memory of him the first time I moved on, my parents never liked him because they thought he he was lazy and non-ambitious (which i agree with) and that he was experimenting with me (he's white and I'm black, I didn't agree with them at first. But looking back, I wonder if they had a point; the girls he fancied before myself were redheads and his new gf is a redhead too), I never let him see my real hair (if you are a lady you'll understand), I never felt that he was open-minded towards my culture (which is very important to me) among other things. Right now, i feel unwanted, alone and undeserving of anything. I am a uk size 14 and have stretch marks (thanks mum!), if the guy I loved for so long could just turn his back on me, then maybe I'm not good looking or good enough? The funny thing is on the popularity scale at school (I hate that phrase!), I was above him to an extent and I never thought I would look back and see myself this way since people always said that he was weird looking but I never agreed with them.

I honestly feel that I've wasted years of my life pining over a guy, years that I would never get back. I lie awake on my bed at night (the same bed we lost our Vs to each other on) and remember that night and i just want to cry but the tears will not come. I know now that I've reached my limit with him and I will never go back now that there is a 3rd person involved, I know I have to move on, but for some reason I can't do that the same way I did last year. I don't know what to do, I need to get over this, wish him luck and to not be hurt anytime an image comes up of him and his new gf doing the same intimate things we did. Sometimes, I look back on my behaviour towards him that night and think - 'maybe I shouldn't have been cold towards him, maybe I should have been more romantic like I used to be, after all there were signs that he was thinking that we could get back together', and then I think - 'nah, he said to my face (although it was on skype) that he literally didn't love me anymore, so its for the best'. Sometimes I worry that he is going to treat his gf better than he treated me and that hurts. Sometimes, I catch myself thinking that this is a rebound for him but I know better. I know I have to move on and find the guy that I need (someone that is ambitious, caring, romantic, a christian, wants a family and will love me with the same intensity that I love him) and not the one that I want. I know that he wasn't right for me and the way things ended is better now than if we ended up being married or there were kids involved and he suddenly does this, then it would be hard to walk away and I would be well and truly broken. I have started looking at grad jobs in London, I joined tinder a couple of weeks ago, but while it gave me a thrill that was short-lived and I have descended down into these emotions again. I am, for lack of better words, confused.

Well that's my long story folks, replies would be appreciated but pouring my heart out on this thread has helped too. Thanks for reading.

[Valixy]

He sounds very immature and he's got so little to offer. Ok, he's young, but he could have al least shown more honesty, care and respect, but he lacks the personal qualities. Thing is that he was your first love, first relationship, and I think that if you wouldn't have tried to go all the way with him, you would have always wondered what if and had regrets. There are so many people who obssess over their first love for years and fail in their following relationships because they still think they should have given a chance to their highschool romance. There were red flags and you ignored, but the good thing is that you really know now who is, not the right guy for you and you can forget about him completely without needing to look back. He isn't worth it and there's no more mystery about this.

You'll need to compose yourself after all this disappointment, you'll have a few difficult moments but then you will be forever free to pursue your life goals and find the right guy for you. In a while he'll only be an experience that helped you become a stronger, wiser and happier woman. Good luck.

[Complexwoman]

Thanks for that. I know I've heard the same thing from the few friends I've spoken to about this, but my problem is I don't know how to move on and I really want to. The last time he hurt me I managed to block him out of my life and go on (even though it took a month or two), this time its worse, I'm still listening to sad songs 2 months on and I catch myself looking at his profile when I don't have a right to know about his life anymore. If there are any tips on this, that would be really appreciated.

[Valixy]

I think it's important to have a serious chat with yourself and totally accept it's over. Do not entertain anymore any thoughts that would suggest differently. That wouldn't be the reality speaking but your emotional investment that needs to fade away little by little and until it does, you need to keep things in control by applying some mental discipline.

There's no need for you anymore to check his facebook page, there's nothing there nor will be that would make you feel better. His posts won't have anything for you, no regrets or kind words expressed, so just block him again and keep him that way. You're the only one who can do justice to yourself and achieve to feel better, so connect with your pride (and your wisdom) and remove him from your media. My exboyfriend paid a lot of attention to his online activity and liked keeping some kind of contact with his exes because I suppose it made him feel better about himself and his poor act. Well, I used to find great satisfaction having him blocked absolutey everywhere. Now I don't even care about it anymore but he will FOREVER be and remain blocked.

It would also help to try to keep yourself busy and do things that you enjoy and stimulate you positively, whatever that may be, take on a new hobby, do a bit of affordable travelling, go out with friends, flirt with someone, join some online forum that could interest you., etc.

Everything helps. Maybe not immediately but if you are consistent it will happen. Just keep yourself concentrated on other things that are important for you, offer yourself positive enjoyable experiences and your emotional highs and lows will get balanced and connect less and less with the idea or memory of him. That is freedom and is priceless.