My boyfriend won't have sex with me. Desperate for advice!

[KilllerQueen]

I am new to this whole forum thing, but I am out of places to turn for answers and help with this issue I'm having. Any advice is greatly appreciated!
So I'll start from the beginning. I am in a new relationship with a wonderful man. We met on new years eve and have been virtually inseparable ever since. I have a long history of terrible boyfriends so this dating an awesome and genuine guy is brand new to me. Our relationship, even though we haven't been together long, has been perfect in almost every way so far. He is always there for me, he treats me with love and respect. He goes out of his way to ensure that I am comfortable and happy. I trust him completely and is the type of man I can see myself marrying one day. And it doesn't hurt that he is drop dead gorgeous!
With all of that said there is one major issue. From the beginning he told me that he has a low libido, but at the time I didn't think much of it. But I never expected it to be the way it is. He is 27 and I am 23 and I have a very healthy sexual appetite. Not just sex, but intimacy, is a huge part of any relationship I'm in. In the beginning he did work hard to give it to me when I asked for it and it didn't seem to be a problem. In fact, the first several weeks were great. But since then, I have had to literally twist his arm to have sex with me or give me any kind of sexual intimacy at all whatsoever. As of today it has been over a month since the last time we had any sort of sexual contact. He hasn't even so much as flirted with me. No telling me he thinks I'm sexy, no playful grabbing or fooling around, making out, etc. the way that two people in a brand bew relationship and are in love should do. And the last time we attempted to have sex was unsuccessful. I feel that he only attempted because I was upset and he wanted to make me happy, but then he couldn't stay erect and it ended there. This has been such a huge blow to my ego to the point that I have even stopped trying to get him interested in being intimate with me. I am very confused and distraught over this because I have never dealt with anything like it before.
He insists that he just has no interest in sex in general and that it has nothing to do with me, but I can't help but feel that it's my fault. That i just don't turn him on and he's not attracted to me. It would devastate me if our relationship suffered or even ended because of this so I am desperate for some answers. But I don't know how to approach him about it without hurting his feelings. So anyone, please tell me what's going on here. Is this normal? Could it be a biological or psychological problem he has? Or is it just that I am not attractive to him? Is there any way to work this out or will I have to choose between being without him or never having sex again as long as we're together? I need help! Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this and contribute some input. It is very much appreciated.

[pisces25]

He did say from the beginning he had a low libido. So I think you can stop the negative thoughts about whether it is you or not, or whether it is pyschological etc. Obviously in the first few weeks of having a sexual relationship with someone hormones will be somewhat higher than normal so perhaps this is why he was able to have this period of regular sex with you. Now, after a few months, his libido has returned to its natural state.

In a nutshell, you two aren't sexually compatible. If you crave intimacy and regular sex, this man is not going to be able to give it to you. It does suck, considering everything else seems to be ok, but I think if you stayed together this issue would drive you apart anyway. You can't change him.

Just out of curiorisity, does he ever talk about how he wishes he had a higher libido or anything like that? What was he like sexually with his previous partners?

[surfhb]

Well personally he probably has some underlying physiological issue.

There's really nothing to do but you must decide if you can continue on with this

[surfhb]

Well personally i think he probably has some underlying physiological issue.

There's really nothing to do but you must decide if you can continue on with this

[searock]

Perhaps he's into men..? I don't think I've ever heard of a guy who doesn't jump at every (or almost every) opportunity of having sex with his girlfriend (i.e. a woman he is very attracted to). Oh, I just read that he says he isn't attracted to you. Why are you two still together then? People who love each other but aren't reciprocally attracted to one another and aren't related are generally called "friends"...

[HeartIsAching]

I am new to this whole forum thing, but I am out of places to turn for answers and help with this issue I'm having. Any advice is greatly appreciated!
So I'll start from the beginning. I am in a new relationship with a wonderful man. We met on new years eve and have been virtually inseparable ever since. I have a long history of terrible boyfriends so this dating an awesome and genuine guy is brand new to me. Our relationship, even though we haven't been together long, has been perfect in almost every way so far. He is always there for me, he treats me with love and respect. He goes out of his way to ensure that I am comfortable and happy. I trust him completely and is the type of man I can see myself marrying one day. And it doesn't hurt that he is drop dead gorgeous!
With all of that said there is one major issue. From the beginning he told me that he has a low libido, but at the time I didn't think much of it. But I never expected it to be the way it is. He is 27 and I am 23 and I have a very healthy sexual appetite. Not just sex, but intimacy, is a huge part of any relationship I'm in. In the beginning he did work hard to give it to me when I asked for it and it didn't seem to be a problem. In fact, the first several weeks were great. But since then, I have had to literally twist his arm to have sex with me or give me any kind of sexual intimacy at all whatsoever. As of today it has been over a month since the last time we had any sort of sexual contact. He hasn't even so much as flirted with me. No telling me he thinks I'm sexy, no playful grabbing or fooling around, making out, etc. the way that two people in a brand bew relationship and are in love should do. And the last time we attempted to have sex was unsuccessful. I feel that he only attempted because I was upset and he wanted to make me happy, but then he couldn't stay erect and it ended there. This has been such a huge blow to my ego to the point that I have even stopped trying to get him interested in being intimate with me. I am very confused and distraught over this because I have never dealt with anything like it before.
He insists that he just has no interest in sex in general and that it has nothing to do with me, but I can't help but feel that it's my fault. That i just don't turn him on and he's not attracted to me. It would devastate me if our relationship suffered or even ended because of this so I am desperate for some answers. But I don't know how to approach him about it without hurting his feelings. So anyone, please tell me what's going on here. Is this normal? Could it be a biological or psychological problem he has? Or is it just that I am not attractive to him? Is there any way to work this out or will I have to choose between being without him or never having sex again as long as we're together? I need help! Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this and contribute some input. It is very much appreciated.

Goes out of his way to ensure you're comfortable and happy.

He told you this, it's not his fault you ignored it.

Stop twisting his arm, you're getting the exact opposite out of it that you want. The more you push, the more it becomes an issue for him.

If he's only trying because you're upset, you've likely already pushed too much and it IS an issue for him - particularly if he wasn't able to perform because of it.

It's entirely normal, some people are that way. It's not about you or your ego.

If you can't take the bad (low libido) that goes with the good, then you should break up with him and look for someone like him (ish) that has a libido more like yours. You CAN'T change your partner's libido, and trying will only make it worse.

[dem862]

Has he had his testosterone checked? This can cause low libido in men. If that is normal you may have to accept this is how it is going to be with him. Does he masturbate or abuse porn? If not, he is probably accurate that he has naturally low libido.

[KilllerQueen]

He did say from the beginning he had a low libido. So I think you can stop the negative thoughts about whether it is you or not, or whether it is pyschological etc. Obviously in the first few weeks of having a sexual relationship with someone hormones will be somewhat higher than normal so perhaps this is why he was able to have this period of regular sex with you. Now, after a few months, his libido has returned to its natural state.

In a nutshell, you two aren't sexually compatible. If you crave intimacy and regular sex, this man is not going to be able to give it to you. It does suck, considering everything else seems to be ok, but I think if you stayed together this issue would drive you apart anyway. You can't change him.

Just out of curiorisity, does he ever talk about how he wishes he had a higher libido or anything like that? What was he like sexually with his previous partners?

I should clarify, when I say "from the beginning" I mean after the first time we had sex, which wasn't until several weeks after we first started dating. But to answer your question, no. He doesn't say that he wishes his libido was higher. Only that he wishes he could do more for me to satisfy me sexually. As for his previous sexual relationships, he has told me that he hasn't had many girlfriends and the ones he did have only lasted a few months. The only other girl that he says he was ever in love with turned out to be married and was lying to him and her husband. So that really messed him up about relationships. He told me that before me he has only had sex a total of maybe 7 times. I'm not sure if it was all with different people or with the same one.
I just can't accept that there is no way for us to compromise because I'm really in love with this guy. If he tells me that we can never have sex again, at this point I would rather just deal with that than not be with him. I would be content if he even just flirted with me more often. I don't need sex all the time to be happy and feel like my boyfriend is attracted to me. If he just told me once in a while that he thinks I'm sexy or even just grabbed my ass playfully or something once in a while, just for my own reassurance, I would be happy. I'm not trying to be selfish. I know a relationship requires sacrifice and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.
On the upside, I'm not saying that he isn't affectionate. He loves to cuddle with me and everything which is awesome. But at this point, since someone brought it up and it had never occurred to me, I'm starting to worry he might be gay or something. I just wish I knew how to get answers from him without hurting him.

[KilllerQueen]

Perhaps he's into men..? I don't think I've ever heard of a guy who doesn't jump at every (or almost every) opportunity of having sex with his girlfriend (i.e. a woman he is very attracted to). Oh, I just read that he says he isn't attracted to you. Why are you two still together then? People who love each other but aren't reciprocally attracted to one another and aren't related are generally called "friends"...

No, you must have misread what I wrote. He says that he is attracted to me, but that he has virtually no libido. But, no, the thought had never occurred to me that he might be homosexual until you suggested it. I guess it's always possible. I really hope he isn't. But just based on the way he acts toward me otherwise, I don't think he is. He is very loving and affectionate and cuddly. But, like I said, there's no way I can be sure. But it is something to think about. :\

[KilllerQueen]

Goes out of his way to ensure you're comfortable and happy.

He told you this, it's not his fault you ignored it.

Stop twisting his arm, you're getting the exact opposite out of it that you want. The more you push, the more it becomes an issue for him.

If he's only trying because you're upset, you've likely already pushed too much and it IS an issue for him - particularly if he wasn't able to perform because of it.

It's entirely normal, some people are that way. It's not about you or your ego.

If you can't take the bad (low libido) that goes with the good, then you should break up with him and look for someone like him (ish) that has a libido more like yours. You CAN'T change your partner's libido, and trying will only make it worse.

I said this in reply to another post, but I should clarify when I say "from the beginning", I mean after the first time we had sex, which wasn't until several weeks after we started dating. So I was already attached to him when he mentioned it. And I would never ignore him. I just didn't think when he said "low libido" that he meant "no libido." I could easily deal with not having sex every week or even every month if that's what it took, as long as he reassured me that he still wants me.

And I know I said "literally" twisting his arm, but you have to know that that was meant to be hyperbole. What I really mean is that before the last four or five weeks or so, I would drop heavy hints, and ask him frequently if he was interested. But after I kept getting shot down I just kind of gave up all together.

The last time he tried, it was something else that I was upset about. I didn't even ask him. He wanted to try on his own, I guess because he wanted to cheer me up. I would NEVER force him to do something he didn't want to do. But I give just as much to our relationship as he does and feel I have been very patient. So I don't think I'm being selfish or unreasonable in asking for a compromise, even if that just means him telling me more often that he does find me attractive since he can't show it.

[bulrush]

I've had low testosterone and am now on T shots. It literally changed my life around. My sex life was always great, I've always had a high sex drive, so I never suspected low T. But I had REALLY low T.

Low testosterone has other symptoms like: irritability, constant fatigue, lack of motivation (if you were tired all the time, you wouldn't want to do anything either). It looks just like depression. Does he have any of these symptoms?

Also how much does he fap/masturbate?

[HeartIsAching]

And I know I said "literally" twisting his arm, but you have to know that that was meant to be hyperbole. What I really mean is that before the last four or five weeks or so, I would drop heavy hints, and ask him frequently if he was interested. But after I kept getting shot down I just kind of gave up all together.

I know that's what you meant. I meant what I said - quit pushing, you'll just make it worse.

[KilllerQueen]

I've had low testosterone and am now on T shots. It literally changed my life around. My sex life was always great, I've always had a high sex drive, so I never suspected low T. But I had REALLY low T.

Low testosterone has other symptoms like: irritability, constant fatigue, lack of motivation (if you were tired all the time, you wouldn't want to do anything either). It looks just like depression. Does he have any of these symptoms?

Also how much does he fap/masturbate?

That actually could very well be it. I just didn't think it happened in guys as young as he is (he's only 27). But he sleeps all the time. He hasn't had motivation to exercise or to find a new job since the one he has cut his hours way back. Seems like all he does anymore is lounge around his house and sleep and eat. Meanwhile he always complains about losing his hair and can never take a compliment from me. I think he is self conscious about himself in general. So low T could possibly be it. Now it's just a matter of how I even ask him about it. I don't want to hurt his feelings and I don't want him to think I'm not happy with him the way he is, because I am. But thank you for the input! It's very helpful. I will look into that.

[searock]

That actually could very well be it. I just didn't think it happened in guys as young as he is (he's only 27). But he sleeps all the time. He hasn't had motivation to exercise or to find a new job since the one he has cut his hours way back. Seems like all he does anymore is lounge around his house and sleep and eat. Meanwhile he always complains about losing his hair and can never take a compliment from me. I think he is self conscious about himself in general. So low T could possibly be it. Now it's just a matter of how I even ask him about it. I don't want to hurt his feelings and I don't want him to think I'm not happy with him the way he is, because I am. But thank you for the input! It's very helpful. I will look into that.

From this post, it seems like he is either depressed, or has low testosterone (I didn't know the symptoms were so close to the ones of depression until I read bulrush's post). I must have misunderstood your opening post OP, I thought you said that he wasn't attracted to you, but actually you think that he isn't even though he says that he is (which is understandable, in your situation). Have you talked about him seeing a doctor to check if everything's alright? At only 27 years old, a guy should be a lot more willing to engage in sexual activity than he seems to be, so perhaps there really is something wrong with his health/hormones?

Also, the things you said about him having a troublesome past when it comes to relationships makes me wonder whether maybe he experienced some trauma in his childhood/adolescence that now makes him feel miserable whenever something sexual comes up. I understand that it's difficult to get him to communicate openly with you, especially if this is the case, but I think open communication and complete honesty is the most important pillar of a healthy relationship. So perhaps you should try to talk about it again, until he opens up a bit more.

I'm guessing he's already having a hard time as it is, and the guilt he feels because he "doesn't satisfy you" makes it a thousand times worse. So try to do everything you can to make him feel better about that. Focus the discussion on his health and his well-being, let him feel that it is not *you* you are concerned about, but *him*, because you love him and want him to be happy and healthy. Talk about the possibility of seeing a doctor.

[KilllerQueen]

I know that's what you meant. I meant what I said - quit pushing, you'll just make it worse.

I don't know that you do, because you keep insisting that I am pushing him. I am not. As I've said numerous times already, I haven't even brought it up in more than a month. Not so much as hinted to him. But even if I did, I don't think I would be out of line telling him how I feel. Isn't that what relationships are about? Communication? Just because I expressed to him how I felt about something is not the same thing as me pressuring him to do something he doesn't want to do. I you're suggesting that I should stifle my feelings and never tell him when something is bothering me, then I'm sorry, I just don't agree with you. :\ I am always receptive to any issues he has with our relationship and always do my best to consider his feelings and find a compromise that works for both of us. I don't think I'm wrong in expecting the same from him. I came here for advice and helpful feedback, not to be antagonized. I don't appreciate you insinuating that I am a bad girlfriend because im not. Ask him yourself. He'll tell you the same thing.