So as one or two of you have read in my other post, three weeks ago I moved to another country to start a new life with a great new job and to be with a girl I'd been long-distance dating for the prior six months, and within five days she broke up with me.
Part of this was due to the ex she'd broken up with a few weeks before meeting me popping back into her life while I was away for two months and constantly asking for her back for weeks on end -- and she didn't turn him away -- and part of it came from a deep insecurity I experienced in these two months between finishing school and starting my new life abroad. This was very much unlike my usual self, but I was stuck in a desolate place alone with zero friends around and miserable parents, and it crushed my usual self-confidence. Details are in my prior post for anyone who cares.
The net result of these two issues? I'm single again. And I've learned a few very important facts. Had I known these six months ago, I believe my life at present would be far different.
1) If there's an ex lurking in the background, just walk away. Especially if you're in an LDR. A girl who is over her ex and ready to be in love again will not continue to tolerate multiple contacts from him if she's with me. If she continues to receive his emails and respond to them multiple times, it's either because she's really, really needy, or (more likely) isn't over him yet. And if a girl isn't done being in love with another guy, no matter how great you are she isn't going to be able to make you a priority
As the guy in this situation, you're going to sense this and no matter how fun, romantic, and self-confident you are, it's going to affect your ego and sense of confidence in the relationship, and it's going to throw you off your game. And the more worried and insecure you get, the less attracted to you she's going to be -- with her initial attraction already capped off at "semi-moderate" due to the ex hanging around.
Girls are not driven in their attraction by romance and kindness. This is just a fact. There's nothing wrong with this, but what the *intellect* says is best (a smart guy with a good income and open heart) is rarely what's going to be the guy she obsesses on the most. If it was, every girl in high school would have a crush on the biggest geek.
Instead, girls (and guys too, probably), want someone who puts them as "nice to have but not required". A guy who pushes them away at times, who proves a challenge from time to time, not because he's *mean* but because he has multiple other priorities in life, is going to maximize her attraction. It seems to just be how girls are wired. Once a guy fully commits and makes her more important than anything else in life, the challenge is gone and attraction will drop, and if it continues, the "we need a break" will happen.
I screwed up because I drove the commitment to this girl. I told her I was moving to her country because I wanted to get serious and see where our relationship goes. I sent her flowers. I got upset about the ex sticking around. I stayed with her my first week there with nowhere else to go. I didn't put her aside for local friends in the area or other activities. And to her, all the challenge was gone. I needed to let her worry, to miss me at times, to get jealous... to *need* me, and by putting her first I denied her all of that emotional fun. And lo and behold, "I've lost my attraction for you."
Certain BS "love gurus" like the guy who wrote "The System" say once "Interest" drops below a certain threshold and she says "we need a break" it can never be regained. Others say that if you go full NC interest can be rebuilt, and if she comes back, which many will, as long as you can stay confident and maintain your own life and other activities you may be able to make it work.
As this happened over the month I was away and her ex was hitting on her and it got worse when I came back (I was living with her for nine days), I doubt it can be repaired. I still love her, but can I get her attraction back up? Probably not. At midnight two nights ago, after having ignored her for a week, I get a single FB message from her saying just "I miss you...". Like a chump, I waited a day not sure how to respond, and finally the next night just sent back "I know how you feel, love. ". This acheived nothing for me and I regretted it as soon as I sent it. No Contact means No Contact. Unless she says explicitly "I f*&%ed up and want to make it work", she gets nothing from here on out.
What's going to happen now to me? I'd say:
3% Chance: She comes back after a few weeks or months of NC and it works out between us now that I've found my foundation here in this new city and don't need to act like a clingy wuss that I'd become between finishing school and starting my new life. She broke up with the guy who wasn't me, when I was at the lowest point of my life, and as I'm back to normal now the attraction may be reattainable.
7% Chance: She comes back and we give it a go and it works for a few days or weeks, maybe we sleep together once or twice, but even though I once again have a life and have lost all my neediness -- I'm my old fun and confident and dynamic and exciting self -- we can't get back to what we had because of the broken trust from the breakup.
90% Chance: We each move on. Having learned the need to take it slow and always let the girl make the decisions to "progress" the relationshop, I date for awhile and find a great relationship a few girls down the line, while she gets back together with her ex, maybe it fails for the third time, maybe they work it out, but we stay apart, and for good reason.
My only advice to everyone out there is this:
1) If there's still an ex around, just walk away.
2) If she's broken up with her ex less than three months ago, be very, very cautious that he's not still around.
3) Always let the girl be the one who drives the relationship.
4) Never let any relationship be the only priority in your life.
5) If a girl starts to show *any* sign of pulling away or fighting with you, pull away more until she returns to her normal self, laughing at all your jokes and needing you more than you need her.
6) If a she does start to show the warning signs, never ask what's wrong. She will never want to tell you she's losing her attraction for you, and you're just going to come off as even more insecure.
Once you're in love and enough time has passed, you won't have to worry about these rules as they'll come naturally, but I'm not sure there's an expiration date on any of them. I've read and seen relationships fall apart after 7+ years due to ignoring the above, and it looks like people just have to be able to always maintain their own lives. I'm sure there are exceptions, but no one should think that they're special. I did. And I was wrong.
Cheers.