My brain is melting and im about to give up

[Ashliejae]

Alright at the start of the year! i posted stuff about me and my boyfriend and the sex life we where sharing. Well i took a crap load of the advice from people on here. We talked about it, he started taking Kavakava and yohembine, and so forth. He worked on it for a while and things where looking positive. Then came march, and since then we have had sex twice. Fast forward to this last Friday. Alright i was already in a bad mood to being with, so i was in my office. I took a job with a sex toy distributer (two weeks ago). And i am often busy. He starts talking about how we are living like roommates (not that this should be any news to me i have felt that way for a while.) So i just listen to him bitch about things. How things are not getting done at the new house. Cuz am working a lot. And this isnt painting this is like dishes. So i was trying to understand how he feels about it. Then he asked me how i felt about things. And i told him i felt that key points are missing. Right away he starts in with oh THIS AGAIN!!! and from there got very very pissed of and told me that maybe its not his fault. And he dated someone that was fine with it. This just further pissed me off to no end. Since i have tried everything i can think of, gotten books read them applied, gave him personal attention, tried giving him oral sex before hand, so forth. It is clear he is selfish in the sex department. I am at my wits end with this man. And i flat out asked him if it was me and he said no he tells me i am good at sex. And now the last few days he keeps telling me he likes to have sex which i find hard to believe. I dont now if this is where i give up and walk away. Since i feel lied to when i meet him i told him i love having sex and its important and pretty much told me the same thing back. But at every turn i feel like hes avoiding it. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions im fully ready to listen to them.

[vashti]

Have you considered that perhaps you two simply aren't a match? It sounds to me like you are trying to force a round peg into a square hole.

[GrkScorp]

Since i have tried everything i can think of, gotten books read them applied, gave him personal attention, tried giving him oral sex before hand, so forth. It is clear he is selfish in the sex department. I am at my wits end with this man. And i flat out asked him if it was me and he said no he tells me i am good at sex. And now the last few days he keeps telling me he likes to have sex which i find hard to believe. I dont now if this is where i give up and walk away. Since i feel lied to when i meet him i told him i love having sex and its important and pretty much told me the same thing back. But at every turn i feel like hes avoiding it. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions im fully ready to listen to them.

Does he have premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction?

The way he's acting.., shows that he has a negative attitude towards sex.., that's obvious.., duh.., but the reason behind it.., is not because he doesn't like sex.., he does like sex.., the reason he has this negative attitude towards sex.., is because he doesn't feel that he is sexually satisfying you.., he doesn't believe that you really enjoy sex.., you may say you do.., but either because of past relationships.., or the media playing out the whole "women fake orgasms" thing.., he's not taking your words seriously.., to add to that.., it has a negative effect on his ego whenever he has sex.., because he feels incompetent.., so although he may enjoy the physical pleasure from sex.., emotionally.., sex is just not that enjoyable for him..

There are obviously so many things you can do to fight this; but i'm not going to go on with a post about everything that "may" be the case.., simply because that's too many things to write about..

Why don't you just mention again what his problem is.., and then we'll look at how to help make it better now..,

Best,

GrkScorp

[Ashliejae]

To sum it up when we have it last about a min, which we talked about and he agreed to pull out or do the whole oral sex thing first then we wait a few mins and keep having sex when we do and after a while we where starting to have sex for about 30 mins and that was great. Then all of a sudden we didnt have a big fight or anything he stopped trying and the last few times we have had sex its he gets off then is done and goes to sleep or eats. I am so confused why!! I feel like i have tried everyting i can think of.

[Illusional]

i would love to have a sex slave at my disposal where i would have to do minimal work too.

raverboy

[Ashliejae]

i am not asking for a sex slave

[tooxshort]

i am not asking for a sex slave

Maybe Illusional was offering?

[GrkScorp]

i am not asking for a sex slave

Obviously not.., what you're asking for is reasonable..

So.., the issue is PE.., and that's something he's self-conscious about.., obviously.., and as a result.., builds resentment towards his partner during sex because he's reminded of it.., and when he's reminded of it.., it impacts him in a negative way.., (and you end up with a "reaction" on his part.., if he can't enjoy sex.., then you can't either.., maybe he's doing it consciously.., maybe he's doing it unconsciously.., but that's what's going on)

So.., the way to go about it.., is to target the source.., and the source is his issue (PE).., an insecurity of his.., and the way to go about it.., is by comforting it.., when you read just how to do this.., you'll see how easy and simple it is.. (I would also like to say.., that I think it's really nice of you to be doing what you're doing)

How does he feel with PE? Well.., I have the opposite problem.., so me and you are in the same boat.., so let's just both try and picture ourselves in his situation for a moment.., society around you teases guys for reaching orgasm "too fast".., and further pressure is added to imply that the partner is left unsatisfied.., so just from this alone.., when you're going into sex.., knowing you have the issue that you do.., you immediately feel that you're not pleasing your partner.., you immediately feel that she's unsatisfied.., and just trying to comfort you if she mentions anything.., you are going into sex.., with the wrong frame of mind.., where anything than can happen.., will be viewed in a negative way.., and it's not a big shock.., that sex is not exactly such a great experience for you if this is the case.., you feel humiliated.., embarrassed.., ashamed.., incapable.., useless.., etc.., When your partner asks for sex.., you don't take it as them asking for more sexual pleasure because they like it.., but you see it as them asking for more sexual pleasure.., because they were left unsatisfied.., causing you to feel even more upset.., that's enough.., it's interesting to take a look at things from an other person's point of view.., but let's both come out of this and back to normal now..

That's all fine and dandy.., but the real question is.., now that you know how it feels like for him.., and why he behaves the way he does.., what steps can you take to get the two of you.., to where you want to be sexually..

Step 1. Sex is "pleasure time".., plain and simple.., nobody is judging.., there is no pressure.., none of that matters.., all that sex is.., is pleasure time.., between you and him.., and nobody else.., It's pleasure time for you.., and it's pleasure time for him.., (notice: you are removing any emotional discomfort on his part from him thinking about having to make you sexually satisfied.., his issue coming in the way.., feeling unable to.., blah blah.., none of that matters.., because sex is pleasure time.., and that's all it is).., this simply creates a positive attitude towards sex..

Step 2. There is pleasure in exchanging gifts.., not just for the one who is "getting".., but for the one who is "giving" as well.., (have you ever wanted to take something.., use it.., and you knew the person you would take it from had no problem with you taking it? What happens when you take it and don't bother asking? "Is it that much of a big deal to just ask?".., what's the point? You know they're going to give it to you anyway..).., the point is.., that yes.. they would give it to you.., but when you take it without asking.., you rob them of the pleasure of feeling generous and as if they just gave you permission to use something.., whereas when you ask.., you allow for them to feel that pleasure.., Better example? (in the heat of the moment.., you may give him oral sex.., but how different do you feel when he asks for it.., or holds your head and guides it?).., afford him the pleasure.., of you "asking" for the gift he's about to give you.., hold his head and guide it.., or spread your legs and almost beg him to go down on you.., (not in a demanding/pushy way.., but in a playful/sensual way)

So far.., what have you done? You've reverse-conditioned him.., to no longer think of sex as this so-so or negative experience.., sex is now pressure free.., judgement free.., pleasure time.., and you have further re-enforced the idea that you want and seek out the pleasure that he has to offer you..

Step 3. It's not just "sex".., what I like to do.., is sit side by side.., where the girl can look at my face and feel my body.., and I use my hands to work her up down there.., easy access to her breasts for additional teasing.., and easy to kiss as she's about to orgasm.., no penis involved.., or.., oral sex.., lots and lots of oral sex.., or.., clitorage.., where the penis is involved.., but no actual intercourse is taking place.., the point is.., to allow him to explore different ways he can give you pleasure.., to serve as a way to re-enforce the concept in his mind that "he can give you pleasure"..

Step 4. He is a sex diety.., to everyone else you know or he knows.., he is the ultimate source of your sexual pleasure.., the point of that being.., that people talk.., they eventually talk anyway.., and it's more powerful for him to hear that from you.., INDIRECTLY.., (imagine.., him hearing from one of your friends or better.., one of his friends.., that you were talking and you told them how he blows your mind away.., and that sex between the two of you is amazing.., blah blah).., even if actual verbal communication doesn't take place.., he really will pick up on it by the way others react to him..

Step 5. (Last step) Give & Take.., that's what it all boils down to.., you've created enough positive motivation for him to actually (feel like he can please you.., get pleasure from pleasing you.., enjoy sex fully.., and therefore.., want to have sex).., at this stage.., it's all give and take.., one time.., you initiate.., next time.., he does.., when you're having sex.., you take turns pleasing eachother.., then you have a brief moment of intercourse.., and then back to pleasing eachother back and forth.., that's what "sex" will come to..

Note: nowhere in these steps.., do you hear anything about "telling him".., that "you make me so happy.., omg that was amazing.., etc".., remember.., initially.., he's VERY insecure because of his PE.., so anything you say.., EVEN IF IT'S TRUE.., will be seen through a negative lens.., which means it will be counterproductive to even bother saying it.., you have to "show" it.., LET HIM SEE IT FOR HIMSELF.., without "saying" it.., (what it means to comfort.., and aim to eliminate an insecurity completely).., when you do that.., and you get to Step 5.., then all of that other undesireable behavior that's linked to that insecurity.., will stop..

There you go.., you have an entire road-map of sorts.., in one post.., the rest is up to you.., you definitely have the willingness to do it.., so there's no doubt that you'll get it done.., just don't be too eager or energetic about it.., be casual and relaxed.., it does take time.., but when you'll finally get to step 5.., now that's when you'll start to see the payoff.., till then.., good luck!

Best,

GrkScorp

[Ashliejae]

OMG thank you so much GrkScorp, that is probley the best advice i have ever gotten. On another positive note hes actually down stairs touching sex toys that just came. Its my first round of things from my employer. YAY

[Gigabitch]

I would like to mention that one of my girlfriends has this problem. She calls her boyfriend the "two hump chump" and says he doesn't even last three minutes. She has to practically beg him for it, too. This is really unfair, IMO, because she's very attractive, takes good care of herself, truly wants him and is quite open to experimentation if that's what he needs.

I feel for you, Ashlie, because your story is so much like hers.

I wish I could tell you that she's found a way to work things out, but after ten years they hardly ever have sex and when they do, it's rarely a satisfying experience for her.

I think there's no way around the fact that you two simply aren't an ideal couple in this regard. While you haven't run out of options yet, I think you should consider just how much effort a girl should have to put forth just to get a little sausage, you know? It shouldn't be this difficult.

I can't remember- did you say he was a pot head? That could be part of the problem, if so.

[Ashliejae]

He did smoke before i asked him to please stop and he did, no questions asked. i mean i guess it doesn't supriese me to much he does seem to have some sever emotional issues that are just starting to peak there little heads out. Like if the cat throws up on the floor he takes it personal like the cat puked on the floor just to ruin his day. He has a lot of ego to deal with some times and i have a crap load of pride so problem a bad mix right there.

[Gigabitch]

Is he, like, really, really, ridiculously good-looking or something? I keep getting the feeling you're dating way beneath your potential.

[IndiReloaded]

I agree with Vash & Giga. You may just be on opposite sides of the sexual spectrum.

If you really love him, he's your everything otherwise EXCEPT for this, then by all means try to help him. (Is he seeing a doctor, BTW?)

But if not, and especially if there are other issues, you may want to consider moving on. You aren't married & its not 'till death do we part & I'll take all your other issues too'. Yet. Sometimes, its okay to walk away & say 'no, this just isn't working for me, sorry'.

[Ashliejae]

he is pretty darn hot and if its not 6 in the morning and things seme to be okay hes a really nice guy. Not once since i started dating him has he told me to get a job
did that on my own. It just comes down to he has an intamcy issue that he just cant seem to get past. I am sure it has a crap load to do with his mother he hasn't told her i live at the house he just bought (for me) which is nice. and not to be lude but he has a really big dick

[vashti]

I doubt you should bame his mother. he probably just doesn't have the drive.