Ok, THIS time I want some advice...

[HeartIsAching]

We live in a duplex, and have a fairly friendly relationship with the couple living in the other half of the house. We use the back porch of the house as our main entrance, and they use the front porch as their main entrance.

While I was gone on my trip last week, Jeff from next door knocked on our back door. My wife answered the door after finding out who it was, and Jeff said he was checking in because he'd heard noises in the house and seen that the car was gone - my wife had lent the car to her eldest son. Jeff did know that I was going to be gone for a few days, BTW.

Just before he left, Jeff reached in through the door and stroked my wife's cheek and said "You're so SWEET", at which point my wife was a bit creeped out, said goodbye (politely) and shut the door.

So... I'm not sure how to handle this. Should I ignore it? Should I politely ask Jeff to never touch my wife unless he has her permission? Should I just let her handle it? She doesn't like confrontation and isn't good at it... and she's a bit of a pollyanna, always choosing to believe that people have better intentions than they do.

I ask, because as some of you know I've done about 18 months of anger management/therapy, and I know my first, gut reaction is the wrong one. I want to go pound the crap outta Jeff, but that's wrong on many levels - my wife is not my possession, and whether or not Jeff touches her is not my decision, nor is it his, it's hers.

[Wakeup]

First off, congratulations for the control. Obviously you've come a long way in your anger management therapy.

Secondly: I think that I'd let it go at this point. If anything like that happens again then it will be time for you to calmly tell "Jeff" that he is crossing some boundaries to quit it.

I'm surprised your wife even mentioned it to you if she doesn't like confrontation. If it were me, I'd have told him to please don't do that to my face again but thank you so much for the Neighbourhood Watch.

[HeartIsAching]

First off, congratulations for the control. Obviously you've come a long way in your anger management therapy.

Secondly: I think that I'd let it go at this point. If anything like that happens again then it will be time for you to calmly tell "Jeff" that he is crossing some boundaries to quit it.

I'm surprised your wife even mentioned it to you if she doesn't like confrontation. If it were me, I'd have told him to please don't do that to my face again but thank you so much for the Neighbourhood Watch.

My wife told me because she knew there'd be no confrontation with me. She also told me, because she'd been so creeped out by Jeff's action, and wasn't sure if he'd actually just come on to her (like I said, Pollyanna) and wanted to know what I thought... also to explain why the baseball bat was on the bed where she'd been sleeping.

[Cerby]

I agree with wakeup, leave it as is. Your wife can clearly be trusted to tell you if this goes any further, but for now just let it slide, don't think too much about it, and don't worry about it.

[HeartIsAching]

Oh yes, and thank you so much for your input.

[devonbrown]

It sounds like your wife did well in backing away and closing the door on him. That type of undesired touching is creepy and uncalled for.

I would leave it as it is, but maybe shoot him a few knowing and evil glances. Just make sure your wife is vigilant in watching what he does because that really is odd behavior.

Good luck.

[HeartIsAching]

I generally don't go for the passive/aggressive stuff... I'm far more likely to be blunt. "Hey man, thanks for checking on my wife while I was gone. BTW, don't touch her unless you have her permission."

[HeartIsAching]

I agree with wakeup, leave it as is. Your wife can clearly be trusted to tell you if this goes any further, but for now just let it slide, don't think too much about it, and don't worry about it.

Oh yes, it's not my wife I distrust - not even a tiny bit.

[vampiress]

I generally don't go for the passive/aggressive stuff... I'm far more likely to be blunt. "Hey man, thanks for checking on my wife while I was gone. BTW, don't touch her unless you have her permission."

May I add something?
what do you know about that Jeff? in other words is he one of the good guys or the bad guys?

[DarkHelmet82]

yeah i would let it go but be careful.. Jeff could be a psycho stalker or something.

[HeartIsAching]

May I add something?
what do you know about that Jeff? in other words is he one of the good guys or the bad guys?

I don't know much about Jeff. He seems like a nice enough guy, but obviously he's not nearly as nice as I had hoped. He knows my wife and I, and chose to touch her inappropriately when he knew I was gone. He also asked her a couple of times when I was coming back.

He's made a couple of comments in my presence about what a "good woman" I have to which I replied "I know, that's why I married her." , and once he said that I was lucky I spotted her first.

[MerryH]

^^Jeff's a creep.

Almost the same exact thing happened to me, except the neighbor was an old man who kept cornering me in the parking lot to small talk me and on one occasion, put his god damn fat face into my open car window to kiss me on the cheek. Twice. My boyfriend was also away at the time. It was creepy and out of line and it pissed me right off, still does, but since he's old and physically weak, I'm not scared of him.

But if I were scared of him, I'd have probably asked my boyfriend to talk to him. Something like, "Merry told me how you behaved with her while I was gone and it made her uncomfortable. She asked me to tell you to please leave her alone from now on." I would just feel better knowing that he knows it's absolutely not welcome. I wouldn't like to leave it up in the air like that, you know? But ask your wife how she wants you to handle it.

Also, since you describe her as a Pollyanna, you might want to make sure she understands that she does not need to be "nice" about this, or any future unwanted contact.

[HeartIsAching]

^^Jeff's a creep.

Almost the same exact thing happened to me, except the neighbor was an old man who kept cornering me in the parking lot to small talk me and on one occasion, put his god damn fat face into my open car window to kiss me on the cheek. Twice. My boyfriend was also away at the time. It was creepy and out of line and it pissed me right off, still does, but since he's old and physically weak, I'm not scared of him.

But if I were scared of him, I'd have probably asked my boyfriend to talk to him. Something like, "Merry told me how you behaved with her while I was gone and it made her uncomfortable. She asked me to tell you to please leave her alone from now on." I would just feel better knowing that he knows it's absolutely not welcome. I wouldn't like to leave it up in the air like that, you know? But ask your wife how she wants you to handle it.

Also, since you describe her as a Pollyanna, you might want to make sure she understands that she does not need to be "nice" about this, or any future unwanted contact.

I know. That's something she's been working on, and something I have reiterated to her many times. She doesn't have to be nice.

She's even told her abusive asshole ex-husband that her phone has an off button, and she's not afraid to use it. That made me LOL.

I have asked my wife how she wants me to handle it, and she's unsure - we do come from basically two extremes in the interpersonal thing. She knows her response and her wishes are too forgiving and too passive, and I know that mine are much too confrontational, which is why I wanted advice from you people.

[MerryH]

Then I would ask her if she's scared of him, if she'll feel uncomfortable in her own home or walking around outside in a skirt or tank top, if she'll get nervous every time someone knocks on the door if she's home alone, etc. If she answers yes to any of those, then I think you should take it upon yourself (with her permission) to have a calm talk with him about it. Ideally, he will apologize, say he didn't mean anything by it, and then she can feel secure knowing that he knows he can't get away with that shit.

[vampiress]

I don't know much about Jeff. He seems like a nice enough guy, but obviously he's not nearly as nice as I had hoped. He knows my wife and I, and chose to touch her inappropriately when he knew I was gone. He also asked her a couple of times when I was coming back.

He's made a couple of comments in my presence about what a "good woman" I have to which I replied "I know, that's why I married her." , and once he said that I was lucky I spotted her first.

then I shall suggest you should only drop this Friendly-neighbor alttitude and your wife should do the same as well. and Just like DEVON said above, give him THE LOOK which means " I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE AFTER"
it's pretty obviouse that this SOB is hitting on your wife