long distance relationship

[sundancekiddo]

Well, me and my girlfriend were together for a while (about 2 years) but then I had to go somewhere pretty far away for a while.. Not long, less than a year. Now we're more than half way through and it's a pain

She gets depressed a lot. I mean really really depressed. And very upset. And irritated. When I ask her what's wrong she sometimes tells me that she doesn't know what got into her, but that's the way it is, it's going to fade away.. or that she just has a bad day or that she just misses me a lot. She is sometimes mean to me, picking on me for all the small reasons. Ok.. I know people are different and all, but I miss her too and that gets me really depressed, but not upset. We fight a lot lately and from all the small and insignificant reasons. We we realize what we were fighting about it sounds ridiculous.. but still, it's a fight (=not good).

I really care about her. She is the love of my life and her behavior is worrying me a lot. I'm going through some tough times right now, and so is she. But me being so codependent makes me go through tougher times when she is so depressed. I tried pulling her out of these moods in many different ways (comforting her, making jokes, reassuring her, etc..), but I have my limits and I'm constantly failing - usually I just break down and she has to pull be back together.

The bad thing is that I have a pretty productive imagination. And when I see her like that, different things keep popping into my mind. I mean there is so little time left until we are together again, but she keeps clinging on the present (past) time we are apart, completely disregarding the near future in which we will be happy..

[reeba]

You hurt her by your move. Of course she is going to be mean sometimes. YOU HURT HER. And she is mad. Did you have a choice about this year long move? Did you discuss it with her?

Do you expect a person who has the flu to be nice and smiley? Then why do you expect a person with a broken heart to be nice and smiley?

Do you expect a person who is being tortured to be all friendly to their torturer? Then why do you expect her to be nice to you, the person who is causing her the pain?

Tell her you are sorry about the move, that you are hurting her, that you hurt too and miss her, and you will be back soon.

[AirbenderAang]

Your first priority is to take care of yourself( Exercise, reach out to friends and family, stay on top of your work, meditation, etc.). Do as much of that as you can because it will help you with your relationship. Your girlfriend sounds like she is struggling with some things. As you were telling the story, two possibilities popped into my mind. Either A, the long distance relationship is wearing on her and she is considering breaking up. Or then B, she is kind of depressed about everything in her life right now. Sadly in either case there is not a whole lot more you can do for her. All you can do is continue on trying to be caring and supportive. If she is depressed you can try encouraging her to seek help and encouraging her to do activities that make her feel good about herself.

Ultimately, you must realize that she is responsible for her feelings and life. You can be supportive, but she is the one who has to take the steps to get better.

[AirbenderAang]

You hurt her by your move. Of course she is going to be mean sometimes. YOU HURT HER. And she is mad. Did you have a choice about this year long move? Did you discuss it with her?

Do you expect a person who has the flu to be nice and smiley? Then why do you expect a person with a broken heart to be nice and smiley?

Do you expect a person who is being tortured to be all friendly to their torturer? Then why do you expect her to be nice to you, the person who is causing her the pain?

Tell her you are sorry about the move, that you are hurting her, that you hurt too and miss her, and you will be back soon.

No, no no! Your girlfriend has every right to miss you, but she has no right to claim that you are hurting her in this case. You left because you had to. She may hurt, but you are not hurting her. The only reason it would make sense to say you are hurting her is if she is a DEPENDENT and you are witholding care and support by your move. I make this distinction because, it is healthy to have boundaries and to respect and honor your partner's autonomy. She should be mature enough to realize that relationships entail sacrifices and you guys are both sacrificing for the relationship.

Saying that you are hurting her in your case, is like saying I am responsible for being by your side 24/7 and I am responsible for your emotional well being. That is completely ridiculous. I guarantee that you do not want to be the guardian of your partner. Do not encourage such dysfunctional beliefs.

[Boisdevie]

YOu decided for whatever reason to move away for a year. She probably resents that a lot and takes it as an affirmation that you don't care enough for her.

[sundancekiddo]

Thank you all for your replies.
Indeed, I thinks she blames me for this. Although we kinda made this decision together, we gave it a lot of thought and we measured the pros and cons and finally decided this was the way to go. And my move is beneficial to her also, and to us as a whole. But in a totally different way.

She still does it. She is jumpy and gets upset for nothing. And I break down all the time.. She means that much to me that every single time I see her like that or she gets upset and angry it totally messes me up for the whole day can't do anything, can't concentrate and barely restrain myself from crying in public. And I really don't know how to deal with this. She keeps telling me that she's never gonna let go, that she's afraid of losing me (she eventually admits she gets upset for nothing) but still, she acts like she can't deal with the situation anymore, but claims she will never lose hope. How can someone that acts like this have hope?