Feelings for his ex?

[leijona]

Hi,
I'd like to have some opinions on this. It's not a big deal, certainly not the end of the world, but for some reason it does matter to me...

I've been with my boyfriend for over 3 years and the relationship is just wonderful, we love each other, we never fight, we have the same interests and opinions and we are (at least I am) very happy together.
But there's one thing which is bugging me.
Before we met, he had a 5 year relationship with a gorgeous girl. They were engaged (he proposed after 2 years) and he was absolutely crazy about her - well, no wonder, as she's a real beauty, she's very talented (she's a singer and has a great voice to match the body), intelligent, funny and everything. Then she broke up with him (wasn't sure if he's the right guy for her.. ). He was broken and tried desperately to win her back, but she didn't go back to him (actually she did that once before). Well, then he started to meet other women, but without any success. Until he met me.. he seemed so sweet, not at all hearbroken (this was some 3 months after the breakup), although I noticed that he did mention his ex quite a lot.
We started to go out about 8 months later (before that we'd been just friends, as I had someone) and I fell in love with him very quickly. He was the man of my dreams and I was absolutely happy for some time.
Then I started to think about his ex... Every time he mentiones her (which is not very often now) he has this weird look (mix of love and pain, seems to me), he still keeps a photo of the two of them kissing in his PC (at the time he put it there, we were already together for about 3/4 year), when we had some troubles, he started to talk about her for a long time, how he loved her etc. and then just added "the same goes for you".
I don't know, but it seems he's quite obsessed with her, maybe he still loves her. And it makes me feel bad, I want to be the love of his life, not someone he's with just because he can't be with her.
Sometimes I feel really down because of this - I know I can't compare to her, she's everyone's dream, I'm just OK...
Once I hinted at this during a conversation and he just started to laugh and said it was a nonsense and that he thougt I was better than her. Well, it's just hard to believe...

Do you think he's over her? Can he really forget about this girl, when he spent his best years with her?

[lovesjoyajm]

I'm not really an expert in the subject, but I'd say from experience that it's possible to still be hung up on someone without still liking them or being in love with them. I spent a year pining after a guy who kinda led me on and then disappeared, all the while knowing full well that I probably wouldn't date him even if he were to reappear.
Then again, 3 years is a VERY long time to still be upset over a breakup. I don't know if you're giving yourself the idea that you're "just ok" or if he's actually doing something to make you feel inferior, but that's definitely not ok! Especially since it seems like after 3 years of a relationship, looks kind of become secondary... ie, if your boyfriend really does care that much about appearance and she really is that much prettier than you, do you think you'd still be together after 3 years?
Anyway, I'm really sorry about your situation... that is really tough. Good luck!

[Tone]

Wow what a jerkoff.

Although I must say, you can't really blame anyone but yourself - you knew what you were getting into. He just got out of a relationship, and you said it yourself - that he talked a lot about her when you guys first met - so you took the risk. But I guess it was almost a year after his breakup with her (3 + 8 months according to your post) that you two started dating, and by then he SHOULD have been over her - so I don't really fault you for that anymore.

He has a picture of them KISSING on his computer?? He says HE LOVES HER just like he LOVES YOU, to you???

I know you think this guy is great and "perfect" but have some SELF RESPECT. Listen to me VERY carefully - I don't care HOW better looking this other broad is - YOU DESERVE TO BE NUMBER 1. Okay? Not just the second-place girl someone has because he can't be with the one he truly wants. What do you think would happen if this girl came back, and suddenly wanted to be with him? Can you be confident he would turn her down for you?

You really need to talk to your boyfriend about this. It's a little ridiculous he is so obsessed that he completely disregards and has no respect for you or your feelings. Be honest with him, ask him to be honest with you if he's really over this girl or not. Why would he keep pictures of her? He should delete them. This is the best test for you, because if you really mean more to him than her, then he will have no problem correcting this if that's what it takes to make you happy. If he'd rather hold onto her memory, knowing that it hurts you and causes you such anguish - what does that tell you....?

[leijona]

Thanks for your answers ;o)

Well, maybe I made it look worse than it actually is, so I'd like to explain a few things...

I definitely couldn't complain at all about his behavior towards me. He's very affectionate and supportive, allways helps me when I need it, he tells me he loves me and generally behaves like someone who's in love.

I don't think he would want her back at this point. They have seen each other only once since the breakup a they're not in touch. Although if he had the chance to change the past and make her stay, I'm not sure he wouldn't take it :-/
But he wouldn't tell me that, he's not stupid and he has respect for my feelings, though he makes a blunder sometimes.
Well, I wouldn't ask him to delete those pictures, what good would it do? It would only make me feel pathetic. But if I did aks him to do it, I'm sure he would.

I know appearence is not that important, and he's definitely not that kind of guy who goes for looks only.. But it still bothers me a bit, because I know that men tend to treat beautiful women differently... They often overlook their mistakes.

I'm trying not to be bitter about it and most of the time I'm not. But at times I feel sad.. I think that he won't ever feel about me the way he did about her.

This whole "problem" is purely my fault. Yes, it is.. I shouldn't let that bring me down. I should enjoy our relationship, which is great, when I'm not thinking about her :)

[Tone]

Okay... so then there really is no question or advice-seeking here right?

You were just looking to vent?

Great.

I don't understand why or how you can create this thread, and then answer like you just did. Pretty much covering up everything for him and saying there really is no issue here. So which is it...???

[leijona]

Well... If you could advise me how to stop having these feelings, I would be very grateful ;o)

I didn't want to make it look like I'm blaming him, cause I'm not. He's never done me any wrong and he's a great person. And you really can't blame someone for their feelings, can you?

I only specified that the trouble was more inside my head than anything...

[Tone]

Why not just re-read what you posted on Post #4 ?

Seems to solve things to me.

You state he's a good guy, he really does care for you, you don't think he still has feelings for her anymore. So there should be no issues.

[leijona]

Yes, he's a good guy, he cares for me, but I think he has feelings for her. I don't suppose he would take her back, but that's not the point.

Oh nevermind. I have to deal with this myself. Though yes, you're right. Putting things into writing and re-reading them does help a bit ;o)

Sorry if I annoyed you with my stupid post... Have a nice day.

[vashti]

When you get to a certain age, you will find that most people come with some sort of emotional baggage, and it looks like she is his. Do you not have any history? Old crushes, etc. that you think about from time to time? Because I think it is kind of normal to do that. We learn a lot from our previous relationships if we are open to it.

As for the old photo: I don't personally have a problem with old photos being kept. That girl was a part of his life. However, it is insensitive of him to make it so easy for you to have access to. Also, the chit-chatting with you about this girl should stop and there is no reason for you to have to be a saint about it (unless she is dead).

[Tone]

Yes, he's a good guy, he cares for me, but I think he has feelings for her. I don't suppose he would take her back, but that's not the point.

Oh nevermind. I have to deal with this myself. Though yes, you're right. Putting things into writing and re-reading them does help a bit ;o)

Sorry if I annoyed you with my stupid post... Have a nice day.

You didn't annoy me at all, darlin.

I just want to help you, that's all.

[leijona]

Do you not have any history? Old crushes, etc. that you think about from time to time? Because I think it is kind of normal to do that. We learn a lot from our previous relationships if we are open to it.

Well, the thing is I don't. I've been a longterm relationship before, but I don't think about my ex at all. At least I'm not nostalgic or anything. My boyfriend is so much better than anyone else I've met.. I've never been "in love" before - I liked some people very much, but that was it.
Maybe that's why it's so hard for me to understand.


As for the picture - I don't mind keeping old photos at all. I mean, everyone has some pics like that, me included. And my boyfriend is a keen photographer, so he's got loads of them... What bothers me is that when he bought a new scanner (almost 2 years after their breakup), out of the thousands of pictures, he had to pick this one to test it.
Perhaps it didn't mean anything, but it's quite hard to belive.

Tone - I appreciate that. Your tone seemed just a bit aggressive to me (but of course, we don't know each other, so I shouldn't jump to any conclusions ;o)