How would you want a guy to handle this situation? Would you want to be friends?

[JELEF]

I need a woman's perspective as I can't exactly relate to the situation or see the whole of it from her a female perspective. The short story: we met while on holiday, slept together, kept in touch, made plans, moved too fast, she broke it off, has essentially ignored me. Any interest in being friends eventually?

I met a French girl while on holiday and basically the situation went pear-shaped because I misunderstood the sentiments/words she expressed in French. We slept together on the second night--her last night in town--and it was incredibly intimate and intensely passionate for 5 hours. It was both physical and emotional sex. She wanted me to visit her the day after she left but I couldn't as I was with family. We spoke regularly for 2 weeks then she set off to travel and wasn't essentially out of contact for 5 weeks.

We were open in our conversations and spoke about our life's plans, what we want to do, etc, and her parent's divorce which had just begun, but never discussed our night together or what it was meant to be. I thought holiday romance from the off, but constantly misunderstanding the sentiment of her words in French, it seemed to be more serious, that real feelings were involved and still present. We had started to make plans for me to visit and then the whole thing unraveled shortly there after. She said she felt too much pressure and was afraid to disappointment or let me down. She also said the cliché 'it's not you it's me' and 'it's really not a good time for me right now.' We had a long conversation which was kind of a kiss-off--I wish the situation were different, but it's not kind of chat.

Here's where I'm lost. I'm not sure if she wanted me to forget about her and we go our separate ways or if she wanted to stay in contact as friends. I told her I'm moving to France next summer so friendship's not impossible or absurd. Either just before or just after our conversation she met a Spanish guy and she and a friend travelled with him and his brother for a while. I didn't realize this until muuuuuuuch later. Had I known, I could've avoided making a fool of myself.

Over the next few weeks she was without a computer or Internet so we hardly spoke, all the while she's spending time with the Spanish chap who she now properly fancies. Responding to my Facebook messages were not a priority, though she did get back to 2 I sent over 2 weeks. I tried to tell her I misunderstood what she had said in French and that we can slow down, take some steps back. Afterwards, she posted sad videos, songs, statuses about relationships and breakups. I didn't know about the Spaniard so I thought these were about me. I tried to tell her that I didn't mean to hurt her if I had. That I like her and everything's alright. She got back to me hours later and we've not really spoken since, which was 4 weeks ago.

The only contact we've had has been a tidy 'happy birthday' post on Facebook and a few days ago she 'liked' a photo I posted. I was kind of chuffed because I assumed she was fed up with me.

So what would you want me to do? Leave her alone entirely while she's interested in this Spanish chap? He lives in Spain though she's had to go back to France for a while to save up before she can move to Spain. I'm not sure if it's for him or because she's got friends there. Now that she's at home and kind of bored and away from him, I'm wondering if this is my chance to try to start talking again, leaving out any emotional relationship bollocks and focusing on just trying to be friends.

I'd like to be friends, though I'll admit that at the moment, I'd like to leave the possibility of something next year. If that's never going to happen, friends is fine. She's a cool girl. Do I continue to wait without any contact to see if she tries to contact me in anyway? Or am I but a distant memory now that she's interested in someone else who's far away? After my 'I'm sorry and I like you' message she removed me from her 'always shown' friends on Facebook. I know she did genuinely feel 'something' earlier.

It sounds silly I know, but I'm kind of in a bad way over this. I let myself get attached because I thought our feelings were going the same in direction. It has never been a problem with other 'flings' in the past, but there was never a language barrier.

[MerryH]

I think you should let this one go. She "broke up with you" (for lack of a better phrase, it doesn't sound like you guys were at all serious) and hasn't really contacted you in weeks since the two days you spent together. Looks like she doesn't want to be your best bud. At best, she wants to keep it at cordial "Happy Birthday" messages and "liking" your photos on Facebook, but you should definitely consider just de-friending her or whatever since you don't seem to make the best decisions regarding stuff she posts (and that's how you found out all about the Spanish guy, right?), so stop looking at all that stuff. It's bordering on creepy.

Sorry.

[JELEF]

I was going to de-friend her but thought I'd let her do it if she's really that fed up. Then again, she probably doesn't care if we're Facebook friends or not. I've hidden her updates though so I'll not have photos from her trip with the Spanish guy and their wall posts back and forth popping up (which is the only reason I'm even aware of him).

The contacting bit has me confused because it's not like she's been sat at home the entire time. She's been travelling for 5 weeks and has only been home for a few days. I was a priority/thought until the falling out chat as she was sending me occasional updates. There's no way she's not talking to me because she thinks I'm mad at her or don't want to talk to her? Wishful thinking I presume. If she thought that, then I should think she'd want to ask me how I'm doing.

You reckon it's not even worth trying to start a conversation? Something simple like 'I've just seen this film and thought you might like it?' I wish she'd just remove me from Facebook and Skype because I don't want to do it incase she wants to be friends at some point.

And even if she did have feelings for me at some point, it was just a few days and weeks ago now, so it'd probably be pretty easy to not even bother with any of it? Essentially what she said, despite the myriad of reasons is the usual: you seemed cool at first, but now I find you annoying. Bugger off?

[MerryH]

There's no way she's not talking to me because she thinks I'm mad at her or don't want to talk to her?

No, because the last time you really spoke with her you told her:

I didn't mean to hurt her if I had. That I like her and everything's alright.

Sounds like she's not talking to you because she broke up with you and doesn't want to lead you on. It's actually pretty respectable of her. Lots of girls continue trying to be friends, thinking that they've made their stance clear so they're sure the guy won't take the friendship as a sign of a romantic possibility, but it usually doesn't work out that way. Guy waits and waits around, pretending to be her best friend just hoping that she'll come to her senses and get back together with him someday. She's done you a favor. Well, she tried, I guess, but you're still holding on to it. That's not her fault, though.

So no, I don't think it's worth trying to start a conversation. Forget about her completely, maybe only remembering briefly to email her when you move to France. Maybe. Something like "Hey, I'm going to be near you, so if you ever want to hang out, give me a shout. Take care." And then forget it again.

[JELEF]

You're right.

She's been incredibly gracious about all of it, though I wish she'd just told me to piss off because she's dating someone. If the only reason she's not wanting to be friends is fear of leading me on, that'd be a shame. My best friend and I actually became besties that way. Feelings pass.

And not to sound arrogant, but at 27 I've just realized I've never been 'dumped'. I've been rejected before things've ever kicked off, yet this is the first time I've been left holding feelings while the other person gets to cut their ties.

Well, for better or worse, I gave it a go. Making too much of her is how I ended up in this pinch and I'm just doing more of the same now. I'll forget her and get on with it.

Thanks for the insight.

[MerryH]

But she did tell you to piss off, she just didn't give you specific details, which she's not really required to do. I'm just pointing this out for the next time you're "dumped", since you're a newbie to it :-P

You'll be fine. You sound smart, and (mostly) rational, so good luck with the next girl.