What do I do? I have my mind more or less made up but nobody to discuss it with...

[Sara1973]

Hi...
Long story but please read, I genuinely have nobody to bounce things off so getting really frustrated and don't want to make a really bad mistake...

I have been with my husband 20 years. He was my first proper boyfriend and we met at college. We finally got married 8 years ago.
We are quite different in character but have always been friends.
He has helped me through a serious illness 10 years ago for which I will always be grateful.

BUT

Even then I felt like I was the mother in the relationship... looking after him etc.
For many years he had no job and did nothing but complain life wasn't fair etc and couldn't get a job... the fact that he didn't apply for anything was irrelevant...

Anyway, in 2004 he got a break and has been in work since. We got married in 2005 and things were looking ok.
In 2007 we got the opportunity to go to Africa. I got a job out there and he followed me out some 5 months later. Everything's ok... but he wasn't working and not looking for work... he expects a job to come and look for him. Finally, through contacts of mine he got a job, which led to another better role but he was spending most of his time (read all bar a few days a month away from home). Somehow in early 2008 I fell pregnant (sex was a rarety even when he was around but I could live with that).... there is no doubt the child is his... I had a difficult preganacy, going in to early labour at 25 weeks and later baby was born at 32 weeks. Note he was the one that wanted kids and I was happy either way... generally not too bothered.

In the first few months he managed to be at home a little more to help a little with the baby... but not a lot and needed coerced into helping.
After 7-8 months we started seeing him less and less... maybe a weekend every 4-6 weeks and when he was home he sat around and did nothing, leaving me to look after him and the baby etc... but his job was going ok and he got a pay rise etc even at the height of the recession.

At this point I'm getting very fed up and frustrated and it goes on until mid 2011 when my contract ended and I was repatriated and the baby was almost 3... so getting on for schooling age.
We decided that it would be best for me to return to the UK with the baby and settle down there and he would come and visit for extended periods of time.
I found a part-time job in Scotland where we had no family or links or any sort and I went there with the baby.
His first visit home was 5 months later and he was home for 3 weeks over Christmas. then every 3-4 months he has been home for 10-12 days to coincide with exams or tutorials to do with an MBA course he is doing. During his visits he sits around and does nothing... watches the tv, lets me go out to work and do all the housework, cooking, laundry etc. I have to get up early etc and he doesn[t get up with me to help with his son ... leaves the place in a mess for me to clean up when I get back from work etc.

Roll on 2012, we decide to buy a house as we want to be more settled for the baby. he was there the day I got the keys, we went in and did he help me pack and move etc? no... insisted I wait until he had left... and just sulked at me... that was October 2012. Christmas 2012, we were so looking forward to seeing him as he would be home for a month... disaster... he sits around doing nothing... every time you suggest we go out he finds a reason not to... watches tv and barely talks to me... spends a lot of time on the phone to someone else in another room.
Last visit was April... by the end of it even our little boy who is 4 1/2 wanted him gone... he sat around and sulked... watched tv late at night, didn't help... it really felt like he was avoiding me... a guy who has always slept naked is not wearing pants to bed... he barely touched me... I got a peck on the cheek on arrival and departure... yes he did fall ill a few days after he got back to work so that won't have helped him but still ....

TMI... but sorry... He has barely touched me since I got pregnant... definitely no sex or anything close to it... I have tried... and I've not always been subtle... come downstairs naked and taken him by the hand to bring him upstairs... he says will be along shortly and doesn't come... even the most clueless bloke should take that as some sort of a come on...
He was supposed to be looking for a job here so he could join us... I only work part-time and my salary is not enough to get by on... he has applied for all of zero jobs in the last 2 years...
I'm at the point where I've had enough... I need someone to be there for me... to put an arm around me and give me a hug etc...
At this stage, if he turned around looking for sex I probably wouldn't even be interested as it's been so long and I feel so unattractive to him... I am lonely... but I know he has to be part of my life because of our little boy...

I did talk to a family law solicitor who reckoned I should serve him with divorce papers nex time he's in the country....
No idea when that will be as he never plans.... he sets dates about 2 -3 weeks before it happens which means we are always waiting for him and never know when he's visiting... I did try to get a date out of him recently and got my head bitten off... it's not going to be thins month... unlikely next.. possibly in spetember...
I think the solicitor's idea is a little brutal... but at this stage .. is out the only way... he's not going to change... is he... ?

I don't mind the distance... what I can't cope with is being ignored etc when he is here ... and on the phone in between he's fine... positive etc
Thanks for reading this and any suggestions will be gratefully accepted...

[michelle23]

It sounds to me like you are two complete strangers. You are not a family at all and I wouldn't be one bit surprised if he has another woman on the go.. Divorce him babe. This is no life and then go and find yourself who will be there for you in every way. Emotionally, financially, sexually, domestically etc stop wasting time on this man. You may as well be a single mum. Hes never there. Even when he is there-hes not there (if that makes sense) move on with your life now.

[Sara1973]

Thanks....
That's just what it feels like... married single mum... none of the benefits of either and all of the sh@@ of both....

[Sara1973]

Thanks....

I really do feel like a married single mother... all the sh%# of both and none of the benfits of either...

[michelle23]

Just take action now and plan to get him out of your life. It sounds like he is not much use as a father either. What is the point in having a man if he is that useless. your better off on your own

[Millie]

So basically he's fine with you when you speak on the phone and he's far away, gets annoyed with you if you press him on making a firm commitment regarding his 'visits', pays you and your son little-to-no attention when he is at home and contributes absolutely nothing positive on pretty much any level, except perhaps a portion of his pay check? Unless I've missed something, what exactly is it that you're getting out of being married to this guy?

[the 1]

Deep in your heart you know all the answers)) Your comfort zone is not as comfortable any more, I'd step out.

[Sara1973]

Thanks everyone for your comments.
I think my greatest fear, and the reason I've not done anything about it until now is that after 20 years, I am afraid of being on my own and there is a sort of loyalty and love there for him, which I know is not going anywhere. I also worry about the impact an official separation will have on our little boy who is only 4.