Breaking Down Walls

[Bianca81]

Well i have a bit of a problem. Well actually it's my bf's problem, but it effects me. we got to talking the other night and he was talking about how he finds it hard to fall in love. like he won't let himself. He said he's always been like this. he just doesn't know why. i have some suspicions it has to do with the fact that he was adopted pretty late in life after spending some years in a group home, and b4 that he had a horrible family situation. i think he built up some walls because of this. all of that is besides the point. the fact is the walls are there, and i was wondering what i could do to help him break them down..... anyone have any experience dealing with this? or have any ideas? i would really appreciate it.

[Screenplay]

I don't have any experience with this directly, but my take on it is that given his past experiences in life he finds it hard to build relationships with people. My advice would be to reinforce the fact that you love him and are there for him, but farther than that wounds like that take time to heal and he's really the only one who can heal them. I wouldn't take it personally or think something is wrong with you though, so I hope that's not eating at you or anything. It does sound like hes put some walls up, but by reinforcing that you love him and are there for him he will eventually find that he doesn't need them any longer.

[febreze]

i agree with screenplay, the best thing you can do is be there as solid as a rock for him. my best friend has issues he doesn't realise with his own adoption, and he has very low self-esteem. all i can do for him is be a true friend and maintain his trust. and maybe the walls don't need to come tumbling down (soon at least) to have a fulfilling and sucessful relationship, we all have issues and not all of them are resolved. i think we must aspire to love unconditionally, however hard it can seem. x

[abercromqt20]

bianca, i definately agree with the past 2 posts. my last bf was like that. it was very hard on me. but the important thing for you is to realize it has nothing to do with you. do make this about you. if you really think he is worth it you have to be patient and make this about helping him. just keep reaffirming your love for him. i mean not by saying it, but by your actions. he probably has a fear of abandonment, so no matter what stick by his side. after a while he will take notice that no matter what you aren't just going to up and leave him. and slowly the walls he has built up will come down. i'm telling you right now, this won't always be easy on you, but if you make it through in the end it will be amazing.

[Bianca81]

thanks to all of the above for your advice. i pretty much figured the same thing as you all do. i just wanted to know if anyone else had any experience in this field? i mean i have never been through this, and i know it will be hard. i just want to make sure it's not totally helpless, ya know?

[abercromqt20]

oh i have so been in your shoes before. it's hard to read guys like yours. you are probably thinking to yourself if this guy is just a waste of time are not. i know all the thoughts that are probably going on in ur head. but trust me if he is coming out and telling u this stuff, and then keeping u around, then it's worth it. you just have to work through it with him. be patient. show him unconditional love. with your actions though. it doesn't have to be with words. sooner or later the wall will begin to come down. don't expect it to be an over night thing, or for it to happen all at once though.