And yet again...

[Cain]

I'm not sure I get the whole "break" thing. In any relationship. But personally speaking, I've never been one for "breaks" and "space." I'm either with the person or I'm not. But as I said, that's just me.

I do think Cain's girlfriend is causing some unnecessary resentment in him right now. And rightfully so. She is very lucky that he's been patient, because there are alot of guys who would have bailed by now.

I do understand it. The break has been good for me too. I've been able to figure out where I've been at fault in the relationship and to work on ways to fix myself. Technically, right now, we're not together. She does, however, still want to be with me. She said that much when I told her I was going to give her the space she wanted. She said she didn't want the space, but she needed it... that she wanted to be with me.

I won't resent her. If this is what needs to happen for us to get stronger... fine. But, this will be the last time we go on a break. There are a lot of guys that would have bailed in the first three months of our relationship when things were really rocky. I don't know many guys that would have stuck around through that. I've made it this far and I'm not bailing now.

The way I see it... unless I know that she and I are done for good, I'm not going anywhere. If I did, I'd live with the regret for the rest of my life. I really do love this girl and I really do want to spend my life with her. If she and I do break up for good, it'll be a while before I date again simply because it'll be unfair to the other women. It's going to take a while before I'm ready... before I stop comparing her to them.

[shh!]

Is she going back to her counselor? Maybe you can have this discussion with a mediator. I definitely understand you wanting to talk about this... you should. It's just that as you portray her, she sounds emotionally flighty, and I am worried that your defensiveness will make her bolt. I'm not saying you shouldn't feel hostile, but I don' want you to say/do something you can't take back or repair.

[Cain]

Is she going back to her counselor? Maybe you can have this discussion with a mediator. I definitely understand you wanting to talk about this... you should. It's just that as you portray her, she sounds emotionally flighty, and I am worried that your defensiveness will make her bolt. I'm not saying you shouldn't feel hostile, but I don' want you to say/do something you can't take back or repair.

I've held back things I've wanted to say.

I don't know if she's going to see her therapist again. It won't be until she goes back to school and that won't happen until the Sunday after next. I do know that if she doesn't see her therapist, it means to me that she doesn't care about fixing us.

[shh!]

Well, have the conversation then, but be aware that she is emotionally flighty, and if you want to keep her, there is going to be a certain amount of tip-toeing around her outbursts that you may have to put up with. Are you sure it's worth it?

[Cain]

Well, have the conversation then, but be aware that she is emotionally flighty, and if you want to keep her, there is going to be a certain amount of tip-toeing around her outbursts that you may have to put up with. Are you sure it's worth it?

I'm not going to do anything I'll regret later. We're in a LDR... one we've been in for almost a year and a half... and we still have another 7 months to go. It's hard to keep this kind of relationship afloat and if this break had to happen in order for us to make it... fine.

We've had some problems during this relationship and the thought of breaking up had never occured to either of us. I'm not worried that any little thing will spark another break.

My goal in the next visit is going to be just to spend a day having some fun, then spend a couple of hours the next day talking about us, the break, what we've learned from the break, how we plan to fix it, and what we can do to avoid it in the future. But, I'm hesitant to allow us to leave the break if we hadn't had that face to face because I won't know if she truly did learn what she needed to learn and if she didn't and she wants another break because she left this one too early, I won't want to stay with her.

[IndiReloaded]

No, I wasn't talking about the proposal.

I'm trying to figure out whether or not it's a good idea to do what I wanted to do and not end this break until we've had a face to face.

She has no pressure right now. We're barely talking. Things are good. But, I still think we need a face to face before we end this break whether she wants to tomorrow or not.

If me wanting that causes her to want to break things off again, she obviously didn't care, right?

Do NOT propose to her. I completely disagree w/Lesa on that & agree w/your assessment Cain (sorry Lesa).

DO give her a month or two to remember to miss you. Don't be her doormat, even if that's not what she consciously intends. Quash the urge to have this discussion sooner than that. The time will give her AND YOU a chance you both need to process.

DO have the weekend visit sometime in Oct/Nov.

Sorry, really busy. Just my quick op & I wanted to check on you.

All will be well, Cain.

[lesa]

Do NOT propose to her. I completely disagree w/Lesa on that & agree w/your assessment Cain (sorry Lesa).

I meant to say that's what she had wanted but of course it cannot be done at this time. That is the vibe that I got from her according to these postings.

[Cain]

Do NOT propose to her. I completely disagree w/Lesa on that & agree w/your assessment Cain (sorry Lesa).

DO give her a month or two to remember to miss you. Don't be her doormat, even if that's not what she consciously intends. Quash the urge to have this discussion sooner than that. The time will give her AND YOU a chance you both need to process.

DO have the weekend visit sometime in Oct/Nov.

Sorry, really busy. Just my quick op & I wanted to check on you.

All will be well, Cain.

Having the first visit in November would likely be too late.

I'm planning on giving her a little over a month to have her break before I mention a visit. We broke up on August 10th, so I'm going to wait until about Sept 15, 16 before mentioning the visit. Depending on how things are going, I might wait a little longer. However, since I'm the one that has to do the driving, I want to do it before I start classes again on Sept 24.

In most cases, I'd say that the break is a bad thing... but usually when people go on breaks, it's because they want to experience being single, or they've had a lot of arguments and they have to reassess whether they should be together or not. This situation is just a little bit different, and I honestly think we didn't need a break to work through it... but she doesn't have experience in good, healthy relationships so I don't think she'd really know how to handle certain situations.

The break will be good though. Hopefully, once she runs out of things to take her mind off of me, she'll realize that she needs me in her life.

[Cain]

I meant to say that's what she had wanted but of course it cannot be done at this time. That is the vibe that I got from her according to these postings.

The thing you aren't understanding is that we've discussed marriage. I was WILLING to actually get married to her legally, but just hold off the ceremony until we could afford it, but she wanted a single ceremony.

I also don't think that this situation would have been any different had we been engaged. She needs to learn how to handle certain situations and that's what I'm hoping the therapist can help her with... and hopefully I can help when we have our face to face.

She's been in bad relationship after bad relationship... all unhealthy... so she doesn't know what most of you have already learned through experience in good relationships.

[Cain]

Oh, and I had three bad dreams about "us" last night... woke up separate times for each dream.

They all involved her either flirting and talking with other guys or dating another guy. One was actually a little more graphic.

I think it was my brain's way of just getting all of the traces of that thought from my head. I still don't believe that she doesn't love me... that she's not in love with me... that looking into the future, she sees me in it.

[anachronistic]

I think Frasbee needs to give a little speech on short-term goals for you

[IndiReloaded]

Hopefully, once she runs out of things to take her mind off of me, she'll realize that she needs me in her life.

Noone should NEED anyone in their life, Cain.

If she's vulnerable to this, shame on you for promoting it. Your job is to make each other grow, not become dependent.

I'm starting to think this time apart will be very good for both of you.

[Charlie Boy II]

22 pages and counting for a break.... maybe you should try thinking about something else.

[anachronistic]

I hope it doesn't grow to the size of the old Asians thread.

[Cain]

It'll grow as large as I want it to grow!