My Issues

[Shimna]

Ok, so this is going to be a long one. So bear with me!

I met this girl about a year ago, we are both in our twenties, and as usual everything in the beginning went great.
We got on really well never have problems and just enjoy being with each other.
As time passes, she starts to pick out thing that I do that bother her. Ok this is fine, we all have annoying habits or whatever that sometimes need to be addressed.
Wasn’t a problem.
One of the issues was that whenever we used to go out to clubs, I used to get ready and “pre-drink” with my male friends, instead of with her.
She claimed that we never went out together, even though we always met as soon as we went out, and then spent the evenings together from there. A small thing, but it got me a lot of ear ache.

Panning on a few months, we encounter one of the first major issues in our relationship. My best friend at the time started to hit on her. A lot! She never told me about this, because she believed that I wouldn’t believe her, or do anything about it.
Everytime we ended up having an argument, he would try and console her, tell her things like he would never do this to her if she was with him [the guy was a serial cheat himself, and was with his girlfriend at the time].

I have now stopped contacting this “said friend” and erased him from my life. But this issue is still coming back to haunt me, whenever we have an argument. She tells me things like “oh, you should praise me for never giving in to him” “I want you to respect me for turning him down everytime” which to me, saying no to someone when you are in a committed relationship, is not something that should be praised, but the norm. Especially if it was with your other half’s best friend.
The worst thing she has said to me regarding this situation is “I wish I had just ****ed him for all the bad things you done to me” or “I hope you meet someone who WILL screw you over like that in the future”.

Now, I’m not a saint in this relationship either, at the early stages of the relationship, I was living in a shared house which included girls. When we used to go out, we did sometimes invite them along. Of course my girlfriend took a disliking to them straight away! But it used to bother her if I went out with these girls, and she was not there that evening. And for the record, I have never cheated on my girlfriend!

The worst thing that I done, was the night before her birthday I said to her I’m thinking about going out with my male friends, and this then caused a huge argument about me not caring about her birthday, or anything about her in general [she has the tendency to do this, if I am perceived to do something wrong in her eyes, I don’t care about her, and she then goes off on a rant, trying in her own little way to make things up about what I’m thinking and what all my actions mean. When in reality, I don’t play these games, I do as I do. There is nothing more to it than that].
I didn’t go out in the end, and went straight round hers instead to comfort her.
The following day on her birthday, she spent the whole day crying, insulting me, throwing plates, cups, cakes, my presents, basically whatever she could find at me. Ripping up all the letters I had ever sent her, and throwing me out of her house.
So I left, let her to cool down for a bit. This failed to work as well.
I saw her later in the day on the street, and the same reaction was received, which unfortunately led to me losing my temper and insulting her, saying some horrible things to her. To this day I regret it.

Our next major problem was that I found out that before we got together, she was talking to another guy. Not a problem, the fact that she carried it on, texting, calling flirting whatever for a number of months after we got together really destroyed me. She came up with a rather weak excuse of “well you wasn’t paying me the attention I need, and he was the only person I could talk to about your best friend hitting on me”.

She also found a new job, and within a week of starting, I found out that she was texting a guy from there, walking home from work with him in the evenings late at night, and I know its petty, but giving him more kisses in a message then she would send me.
I found out about this, and then she demanded to go through my phone. Ok not a problem.
She found a message on there, from a female friend of mine, wishing me a happy birthday and just having a general convocation about life, nothing dodgy.

This was then her main focus of attack, and for three hours she bombarded me with questions, insults, her theory’s of how im cheating on her, all the while, dodging talking about herself and this guy.

Believe it or not there is still another case of this, she gave her number to a random guy she just met on the street, because he was recently moved to the area, and from her own original country and she “wanted to help him settle” although within a few days, he was already trying to take her out on dates.

And now, we are up to date, and our latest problem. She saw that I became friends with an old female friend from school on facebook. Oh no! I am again, cheating on her, looking for attention elsewhere, even though she has a boyfriend and lives in a complete different city to me.
The worst part of this is, I told my girlfriend the day before that my mum potentially has two different types of cancer and I’m feeling really down about this. Yet she chooses to ignore this and concentrate on the facebook friend.
Again, get battered for a long time about this, say I can’t talk about it anymore because I have to get back to work. I phone her two hours later and she is a completely different person, laughing trying to joke with me about stuff. I’m not buying it! What happened in that two hours that completely changed your attitude?
By now, you must be thinking, what a bitch! What the hell are you doing with her!? Well, she isn’t all bad believe it or not. Before meeting her I was a boring, unmotivated slob. Now I have ambition and drive and I put that down to her and her influence.
It’s just that I feel I have changed, and have to change so much to fit with her agenda that I don’t feel like there is much of the me from the beginning of our relationship left. I know have no real friends, I go to work, come home and sleep. I don’t speak to anyone really, do anything social with people. I feel slightly caged in and walking on eggshells all the time, in fear of the hassle that it’s going to cause my relationship!
What can I do? How can I help her to change her possessive, controlling ways? Are there any techniques I can use when she goes on a rant?

Someone please help me!!`

[arslan89]

Marry her. Its the only solution to all your problems dude.

[Saya]

I doubt you can change her... Have you tried talking to her about her issues?
You either accept her for who she is or not since she probably can't change.

[ttylox]

Your lady is very, very insecure. That's an issue you cannot change for her - she needs to work on that herself. Quit letting her turn her issues around on you and punish you because she feels bad about herself or needs attention. Next time she goes on a rant, ask her to take a time out. Both of you retreat to your separate corners and when she calms down (which she absolutely will) and realizes how mean she is being to you, you can ask her what the real issue is. Why is she so upset about this Facebook friend? Is it because she really, truly, thinks that you're trying to rekindle an old flame via social networking or is it that she is worried that you having friends and connections outside of her threatens her control over you and your life.
If you really care about this woman, and it sounds like you do, you need to help her realize that what she's doing is destructive for both of you. Then you need to ask yourself if having her in your life is worth all this. Maybe you should be focusing on your family and your friends right now and let her focus on getting healthy. Do you really believe that she honestly wants you to be happy? Or does she only want you to enjoy your life so long as it fits in with what she wants?