Confused with relationship after loss

[JadenMia]

Hi all. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year. It has been amazing from the start. I do love him. We have ran into disagreements/problems in the past and we have always come out of it, better and stronger.

I fell pregnant in September, it was unplanned but we were so excited and happy to start our own family. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and so does he.
I found out my baby had died november 28th. I got very sick and have been in and out of hospital the past month.
I haven't dealt with this very well.. And when I grieve I have always shut myself off from other people.
I have found myself feeling bitter and angry over everything and stupid things to do with him. I have been trying to shut my partner out and I don't realize I'm doing it until we are arguing about it.

We haven't been intimate and cannot physically for another 2 weeks. But I feel this is also adding to my frustrations and limiting my ability to fully move on from this.

I love him, he has been there for me than any other friend or boyfriend ever has and up until now he has made me want to improve every little thing in my life and strive to be better.

I'm angry he doesn't understand why I feel this way, I understand he never saw his child but I felt everything. I revolved my everyday lifestyle around my growing baby and now it is gone. I'm lost.
He hasn't been insensitive to my pain but he has no input when I break down and tell him how I feel other than explaining that it's not my fault and that I need to move on now.. He explains it has happened to so many people, and there is so many people worse off than me.. I agree, but it doesn't help me.
Every time something upsets me I have had a break down and the only person I can tell is him. He mistakes it for that I'm mad at him, he gets upset. It always ends in me telling him to leave because I want to be alone..
It's not what I want deep down. I'm just unsure on how to deal with both my relationship, my loss, my daughter.. Life in general seems a chore.
I am going to my doctor and going to get into some counselling.
But I would like some input or advice on how I can effectively talk to my partner, tips to move on from a loss. I need to find meaning to my life again but I am failing miserably.

Any help would be appreciated. Thanks

I have tried joining a miscarriage forum, but I found no real help there.. And I like the advice I have gotten here in the past.

[Starnique]

Sorry for your loss sweetie.

Going to your doctor and getting professional counseling is the best and most effective way to learn how to communicate with your guy. It may not be a bad idea to do couples counseling as well so you both can get the help you need. He's actually doing the best he can do and giving the best and only advice he knows to give you. You're having a hard time dealing with it because the baby was a part of you and growing inside of you. He's telling you what the majority of men would. Going to therapy will teach him what to say and what not to say. He tried but saying other people have it worse then you doesn't help, I can imagine.. He has to learn to communicate the best way with you and you have to understand that he is trying, he does care and really all you have is each other to get thru this. I know it may come off like he doesn't understand and maybe he don't but he still has feelings. He's hurt I'm sure, but it's normally harder on a woman because she had the emotional connection. It's nobody fault and the sooner you get therapy and learn to cope with this and he is willing to get counseling to learn how to effectively deal with what you're going thru, the better of you all will be. Best wishes.

[surfhb2]

Yes.....Im sorry for your loss. Another thing to remember is that your chemical make up may be all out of whack at this point. Add this to the depression and its not a good mix. Just know that this will pass soon enough and you will continue on and start a great family one day.....together

[JadenMia]

Thankyou both.

I agree with you that he is trying to help. He really is and that alone does make me happier.
He is so caring and thoughtful, but yet is so matter of fact and logical, he rarely worries, doesn't really let anything get him down. Which I admire him for, I am the opposite as I suffer from general anxiety disorder.
In the past it was a perfect match. He has taught me to not stress the little things, to take life as it comes each day etc. Only now is it becoming a clash of our personality.

I know it will be hard to get him to go to any counselling, as I know his views on going to talk about your feelings to someone.
His brother is a drug addict and his mother dragged my boyfriend to counselling and therapy to help deal with it. My boyfriend told me it was the biggest pile of sh*t. He said there was no point dredging up old painful feelings to tell a stranger.. So maybe counselling would be hard to get him there.

I know that time will heal my pain, and I have my very up and down moments. I feel great in the morning, i am back at work and just as the day goes on, I can't find interest in doing anything. I end up coming home, sitting on the couch and thinking. Lol when it comes to bedtime he will fall to sleep and I am left, usually I over think everything and cry and can't sleep. Night time is the worst.

I know my hormones etc are to blame somewhat. Even though the baby died in November, my surgery was only a week ago and only since then has my pregnancy hormone gone down. So hopefully my mood swings will ease up soon.
I hope this will pass soon and I can start to move on fully. In the meantime I am going to try occupy my mind with getting fit and healthy, saving up money etc.

Thanks for listening i can't seem to tell anybody that I feel this way, but it helps when I write it down.