search of justice

[mrcbt]

my first post! gonna be a lot to take in but hopefully it will make sense!

Basically my dilemma is this. I am a 21 year old male who easily falls in love and just can't get out. In particular there is this one girl who ironically I met on Feb 14th 2 years ago! The thing is although we were just friends for a fair time I fell for her and yeah loved her. I was never sure 100% if she had feelings for me or not because we did get on for a while and I did feel she geniunely respected me. Everything was fine intil I noticed on her social networking site that she had broken up with her partner only for a few months later she got back with him. Being the impulsive person I am I felt having seen her heartbroken before I had to try and at the very least make her think a bit more about what she was doing. Sure enough I turned out to be right and the relationship ended quickly. Now this was at a time when I had unfortunately been suffering 2 family deaths at the same time and so I was highly emotional. Having been really not thinking straight I was desperate to warn her that she could be walking into trouble and so I searched around for her mobile number on this site. I know it was wrong, I know I am guilty of that but bottom line is that I was doing it for her sake and not mine. If a friend is about to walk blindy into a warzone say, wouldn't you do anything in your power to stop them from doing so? Anyway that was my philosophy. She reacted angry saying it was nothing at all to do with me and from that moment onwards I just kept texting trying so so desperately to reassure her that I was only thinking of her and it then turned into a very messy situation. Being such a great, lovely girl she is, later on in the year I apologised to her face to face and she accepted it but the friendship was never the same for obvious reasons and I lost my cool again when I felt she kept ignoring me and because I knew the truth that this wasn't necessary I felt so sad and cheated by the situation. I feel the real shame of the whole situation is that nobody is to blame here 100%. I hold my hands up to appearing obsessive but if I came across that way I relate it to the crime de passion law thingy they have in France - it was all with good intentions. For the future I really don't know what to do. I've tried to meet new girls but my heart keeps ruling my head and I scare them off or I am too stubborn from failing with this girl that I just can't move on. Realistically even though I think somewhere deep inside this girl does have feelings for me I can't see us getting together. But if there is one thing I am so desperate for her to understand is that as a person even though I've made mistakes as a bloke I am decent and I want to bury this notion of a stalker/weirdo deep, deep in the ground once and for all. For myself I need that bit of justice to move on but I can't say it to her for reasons stated above. If anybody has listened to the story about Frank Lampard (English footballer) defending himself to rumours he was a bad father I can relate so much to that even if the circumstances are different. I don't deserve that label so was wondering if anyone has any suggestions that I can PROVE to her I am ok? From a truly heartbroken bloke

ps: I also can't help but think that the only thing women think about when men try to act a friend is ulterior motives. But I can say on my mum's life I was trying to be a good friend because I loved her for who she is so much so I would be happy if she wanted it to be that way as friends.

Hopefully you understand where I am coming from

[Tug]

It's pretty obvious this girls views you as nothing more than a friend, you need to let go and move on!!

[mrcbt]

thanks but I am after more of an opinion of how I can prove her wrong so I can indeed move on!

[alovehangoverr]

thanks but I am after more of an opinion of how I can prove her wrong so I can indeed move on!

You can't.

Seriously, she was right-- her relationship and her choices were, and will never be, any of your business.

You can look at it as a "friend looking out for a friend," but realistically-- you wanted more from her than friendship so that's not entirely accurate for your situation is it? Even not applied to this situation you were out of line getting involved in her relationship-- most people need to learn from their mistakes first hand.

As for her "feelings deep down for you," you need to let go of that idea right now. If the friendship isn't even capable of being what it was, a relationship is impossible.

In regards to this "justice," you seek-- let it go. The more you bring it up to her and trying to convince her, the more you're going to come off as a creep/obsessive/etc. Your best bet is to chalk this up as a lesson learned and move on.

[Rollerderby]

Let me get this straight.... you guys are friends but you didn't have her number, so you searched for it online?

I mean, that's not like... awful considering there once was a thing called "phone books" and people used to use them all the time...

I think she was angry because when you say you were "desperate to warn her" you came off as just more desperate. Did she end the relationship because of you talking to her, or did it end on it's own, that part is unclear in your narrative.

Either way, you are not her mother, and if you're 21, she better be over 18 which means she has the legal rights to do (and date) who she wants.

And you do have ulterior movtive considering you like her.
If she's accepted your apology and is cordial to you, take it and back off. She is clearly not interested right now, so just leave her be. Otherwise she will ignore you more. Stop with the emotional outbursts too, she isn't yours to be upset about.

[mrcbt]

the points made are valid but I can't stand by and let a friend make a mistake that could really hurt them (& probably did). the relationship (me & her) was only as friends from the start and although we still spoke since on an occasional basis, it was never the same again, it never had the same warmth. In regards to her b/f it was the warning that having experienced her being heartbroken before for her sake (not mine) she should never have to through that again so that's why I did what I did. alovehanger i totally hear what you're saying about being out of line for getting involved but for me I just couldn't see her go through the same pain again, I've paid the price for getting involved but morally I think I've got a point, although I understand fully the counter argument. Finally to answer rollerderby's points a) She is 20 b) I never even asked her out c) This isn't about trying to get her in a relationship with me I am convinced there's no chance but also what's worth considering is that a bad reputation can spread and so I just want people to know the real truth that I am ok. for me that means proving her wrong to do that so hopefully you can see that argument.

[mrcbt]

* also I don't contact her on a frequent basis, except on occasions (twice to be precise since this had taken place) when this justice emotion thing takes over for which I know I aint doing myself any favours. wot i am saying though is that I don't constantly text or anything like that.

[Gigabitch]

Give me a ****ing break. If you post your phone number ANYWHERE on the internet, you can't complain that people use it.

[Rollerderby]

I think the thing you have yet to realize is:

People don't change. People do what they want to do, you really can't save them from themselves. It's like an infant, you tell them no, but until they experience falling down themselves, they don't learn the lesson.

I have plenty of screwed up friends. I could tell them until I was blue in the face what their problems are. If they listened to me, I'm sure their lives would be better than fantastic.

Know why I don't? Because it's annoying. Best I can do is be supportive and listen, and if they ASK me for my opinion, I give it.

I mean, that's why I come on here, to get all this good advice out of my system that I can't give to my friends and family.

I mean, let's face it... you were searching the internet for her number to warn her about dating her ex that broke her heart. You say you aren't that close, you put all this energy into "helping" her, when she clearly doesn't want to be helped, and you still can't let it go, AND you title this threat "The search for Justice."

Just let it go.

[vashti]

the points made are valid but I can't stand by and let a friend make a mistake that could really hurt them (& probably did). the relationship (me & her) was only as friends from the start and although we still spoke since on an occasional basis, it was never the same again, it never had the same warmth. In regards to her b/f it was the warning that having experienced her being heartbroken before for her sake (not mine) she should never have to through that again so that's why I did what I did. alovehanger i totally hear what you're saying about being out of line for getting involved but for me I just couldn't see her go through the same pain again, I've paid the price for getting involved but morally I think I've got a point, although I understand fully the counter argument. Finally to answer rollerderby's points a) She is 20 b) I never even asked her out c) This isn't about trying to get her in a relationship with me I am convinced there's no chance but also what's worth considering is that a bad reputation can spread and so I just want people to know the real truth that I am ok. for me that means proving her wrong to do that so hopefully you can see that argument.

Actually, with this post, you DO sound a bit obssessive and stalker-ish. I think you should back off, or she will quit talking to you all together.

[mrcbt]

at the end of the day it's more about trying to PROVE that exact point you're making totally and utterly wrong. just trying to do the right thing in what only APPEARED desperate doesn't mean automatically that is true, and as I've said I contacted her only twice since all this happened about a YEAR AGO! hardly being a stalker. I've got to say it's also an ego thing and I don't want that unfair reputation. I can understand the concerns but all I want really is to get a bit of pride back much more so then getting into a relationship. In regards to that I know there's no chance and I've known that for ages. Also what I really don't get is that she still continues to work in the same computer room as me at uni, works in the bar with me as customer at uni and none of her friends have even given me a dirty look, in fact they chat to me on occasions! I've just got to make it clear that the purpose of this thread was to put any doubt in her mind that I am "DODGY" right into the nearest bin, because that's where it belongs. Bearing in mind that I know realistically there isn't a chance because of what's happened, gaining a better reputation is more important to me than anything. Sorry to sound really selfish but seeing as I think she's quitting uni soon, I don't want her to leave with too much of a bad impression of me.

[Rollerderby]

at the end of the day it's more about trying to PROVE that exact point you're making totally and utterly wrong. just trying to do the right thing in what only APPEARED desperate doesn't mean automatically that is true, and as I've said I contacted her only twice since all this happened about a YEAR AGO! hardly being a stalker. I've got to say it's also an ego thing and I don't want that unfair reputation. I can understand the concerns but all I want really is to get a bit of pride back much more so then getting into a relationship. In regards to that I know there's no chance and I've known that for ages. Also what I really don't get is that she still continues to work in the same computer room as me at uni, works in the bar with me as customer at uni and none of her friends have even given me a dirty look, in fact they chat to me on occasions! I've just got to make it clear that the purpose of this thread was to put any doubt in her mind that I am "DODGY" right into the nearest bin, because that's where it belongs. Bearing in mind that I know realistically there isn't a chance because of what's happened, gaining a better reputation is more important to me than anything. Sorry to sound really selfish but seeing as I think she's quitting uni soon, I don't want her to leave with too much of a bad impression of me.

Ok, but you say in one breath that everything is mostly normal between you two, and then you say that you don't want her to get a bad impression.

Either she does have a bad one, and ur not helping, or she doesn't and ur going to end up with her having one if you don't let it go.

A YEAR?????? Chillax. That IS what I call obsessive. If you haven't let the issue go... don't you have a life? Also, why do you care what a bunch of faceless people on a forum think of you?

It's like the classic case of the drunk girl: The more she protests she IS NOT DRUNK the drunker she appears. Denying anything only makes you sound more guilty.

[mrcbt]

Nah I think you misread that last post I meant I don't want her to leave with a bad impression of ME. Maybe a year is quite obsessive but in a way it's about "clearing my name" rather than being obsessive about her. Like I said I don't want the false "reputation" of being a stalker etc. Do I care what others think? Well yep I do and anyone who says they don't care what others say about them is a lier. Think about it - if you're in my situation and word gets out that you're someone who should be avoided how does that make you feel? Not good I would imagine especially if it's not true. Yes I made mistakes, and I would go as far to admit I APPEARED stalkerish but the reality is I only had good intentions and for that I think I deserve more credit than to be feared. I want a bit of respect back.

[Mathias]

Don't be a little bitch.

[alovehangoverr]

Nah I think you misread that last post I meant I don't want her to leave with a bad impression of ME. Maybe a year is quite obsessive but in a way it's about "clearing my name" rather than being obsessive about her. Like I said I don't want the false "reputation" of being a stalker etc. Do I care what others think? Well yep I do and anyone who says they don't care what others say about them is a lier. Think about it - if you're in my situation and word gets out that you're someone who should be avoided how does that make you feel? Not good I would imagine especially if it's not true. Yes I made mistakes, and I would go as far to admit I APPEARED stalkerish but the reality is I only had good intentions and for that I think I deserve more credit than to be feared. I want a bit of respect back.

Put myself in your shoes? Ok. If I were in your shoes I probably wouldn't waste a year trying to change someones opinion of me.. especially not the way you're going about it. Seriously-- all you're doing is making yourself look MORE desperate, MORE stalkerish, MORE creepy, etc.

Really man, let it go.

Does it really matter what this one person who's leaving uni that you'll probably never connect with again thinks of you? Does it really matter what she says to other people about you [realistically, you're giving yourself too much credit here-- the only reason she's probably talking about you at this point is because you're being a total creep trying to convince her of something she's unlikely to believe.]

Want some respect back? Then get some.. by letting this shit go and moving the **** on.