Living Nightmare

[LiGuy79]

Okay mates, I've read your stories, I've heard the battle cry of No Contact and I've gone through the "get back your ex" books and such. I'd be very curious to see what the veterans of this particular war would view my situation as and so here goes...

My Fiancee (now ex) and I were living happily together for many years. We'd been together for 4 years before I'd asked her to marry me. We had a little rockiness here and there but no more than other relationships. I unfortunately lost my job back in late 2008 and had to take a job working nights to keep food on our table and a roof over our head. She says that she never looked down at me for taking that kind of work, and instead she was proud. I on the other hand was ashamed, angry, hurt and naturally depressed about the loss of what I saw was my career. 2009 was a really rough year for us but we struggled onward.

Then in the Summer of 2009, she went away to a Field Camp class for her profession. She was gone for a total of 6 weeks and when she came back she was a different person. Immediately I felt threatened by what happened, I felt that she had met somebody out there, that she didn't want to be with me, all the most horrible feelings you could think of. She gave everyone else but me time and attention and then I got the scraps.

She told me flat out when she came home that she didn't know what she wanted for her life anymore. That included me. I said I'd work to change her opinion of that and underwent a tremendous transformation back to the person I was before the depression and anger set in and messed me up. She told me she doubted the changes would stick, she was always doubting me, waiting for me to mess up.

Within a month and a half she took off the Engagement ring I gave her and said that she can't wear something that she is in so much doubt over.

We managed to make things work, we grew closer together slowly and then somehow it all went wrong. She began to think I was snooping through her personal emails, Facebook, etc. She felt I didn't trust her and then she broke it off 2 weeks ago. She said we have no trust and thus in reality we have nothing. "I love you but I can't be with you if I don't trust you, and I don't right now."

Here's the kicker, we live together in the same apartment. Have been for years. I see her everyday, we have dinner together, and say goodnight and adjourn to separate rooms. She has asked me for the dreaded "time and space" deal to get her head clear. In return, I vowed not to talk about our now dead relationship (past, future or otherwise). If things were so horrific being with me, I'd imagine she'd have truly packed up and left by now.

How the hell do I approach No Contact in a situation like this? I'm doing my best to ignore her, to not be the sweet person she remembers, but it's as natural as breathing for me. I love her so much and I know she loves me too. I hear from her friend that she really needs "a friend" right now. Someone she can depend on, talk to, and learn to trust again.

I've been given the advice to be her friend, just have fun with her and let things progress back together naturally. There's of course the risk of losing everything and being stuck in the damned friend zone. I don't want a friend, I want my future wife back. She told me to date, but in the same breath, she's told her friend she sort of regrets saying that. I'm trying to bury my heart, to try and move on and at the same time to try and win her heart.

In the meantime I die everyday seeing her go to sleep on an air matress while I sleep on my bed alone.

So after a heart-to-heart with her best friend this is what has been found out ( and believe me she's truthful when I tell you this).

"She's really still very confused and hurt about everything that happened in the past year and how you treated her. There is absolutely nobody else and she definitely loves you. She needs time and space to clear her head and really needs me to be there for her as a friend right now. She has to resolve issues within herself and also dealing with you."

I'm told that I need to believe her when she tells me something. We're still living together, we're still acting as if we're sort of in a relationship but not. This is going to be the start of week 3 since the breakup and I haven't said anything to her about reconciling. My belief is that if I focus on myself and do what I can to make me happy, it will make her happy and we may yet still have a chance, maybe she'll remember what our life was like before?

She doesn't call me her ex, she tells everyone she knows that she honestly doesn't know if we can fix this but she's hoping that somehow we can. At the end of the day she tells me all about what happened, etc like normal. We eat dinner, enjoy the evening and then say good night to our separate rooms.

what.would.you.do and how long should I wait before trying to reconcile?

[IncognitoSir]

Then in the Summer of 2009, she went away to a Field Camp class for her profession. She was gone for a total of 6 weeks and when she came back she was a different person. Immediately I felt threatened by what happened, I felt that she had met somebody out there, that she didn't want to be with me, all the most horrible feelings you could think of. She gave everyone else but me time and attention and then I got the scraps.

She told me flat out when she came home that she didn't know what she wanted for her life anymore.

Well, this really sticks out like a sore thumb. She leaves you for 6 weeks and something "life changing" has taken place without your knowledge. I think there's a lot more to this little trip than you will ever know my friend. How far gone was the relationship before she left that upon her return it would come to this???

We managed to make things work, we grew closer together slowly and then somehow it all went wrong. She began to think I was snooping through her personal emails, Facebook, etc. She felt I didn't trust her and then she broke it off 2 weeks ago. She said we have no trust and thus in reality we have nothing. "I love you but I can't be with you if I don't trust you, and I don't right now."

Well, were you snooping through her stuff? If not, I suspect she was dealing with guilt of her own doing. IF it were all coming back together, why would she just trow it all away so easily? If you indeed were NOT being a little investigator, I think you need to seriously reconsider her motives for doing this. l


[I]I've been given the advice to be her friend, just have fun with her and let things progress back together naturally. There's of course the risk of losing everything and being stuck in the damned friend zone. I don't want a friend, I want my future wife back. She told me to date, but in the same breath, she's told her friend she sort of regrets saying that. I'm trying to bury my heart, to try and move on and at the same time to try and win her heart[/I].

Did it ever occur to you that her friend is her friend and not your friend. I mean, her loyalty doesn not belong to you but to your ex.
In the meantime I die everyday seeing her go to sleep on an air matress while I sleep on my bed alone.

So after a heart-to-heart with her best friend this is what has been found out ( and believe me she's truthful when I tell you this).

"She's really still very confused and hurt about everything that happened in the past year and how you treated her. There is absolutely nobody else and she definitely loves you. She needs time and space to clear her head and really needs me to be there for her as a friend right now. She has to resolve issues within herself and also dealing with you."

I'm told that I need to believe her when she tells me something. We're still living together, we're still acting as if we're sort of in a relationship but not. This is going to be the start of week 3 since the breakup and I haven't said anything to her about reconciling. My belief is that if I focus on myself and do what I can to make me happy, it will make her happy and we may yet still have a chance, maybe she'll remember what our life was like before?

She doesn't call me her ex, she tells everyone she knows that she honestly doesn't know if we can fix this but she's hoping that somehow we can. At the end of the day she tells me all about what happened, etc like normal. We eat dinner, enjoy the evening and then say good night to our separate rooms.

what.would.you.do and how long should I wait before trying to reconcile?

Unless you give some reason you havn't already, I can't understand why she would turn her back on you. You lost your job and to be frank, "Maned Up" and did what you had to do to keep a steady check coming it. Any woman with half a brain could appreciate that from her man I'd hope. How did you treat her during your depression, did you treat her like trash? Is that what you're not telling us?

[Agape]

"She gave everyone else but me time and attention and then I got the scraps."
"She told me flat out when she came home that she didn't know what she wanted for her life anymore."
"She told me she doubted the changes would stick, she was always doubting me, waiting for me to mess up."
--> Um yeah, move on somehow . . she said "She said we have no trust and thus in reality we have nothing.", no trust = no relationship

-

So you live together but aren't actually together? Well then you can date other people. . . perhaps separating virtually everything of yours and make it almost like living in an university dorm?

[Paperclip]

You will never get back together if you've claimed the bed and forced her onto an air mattress! Why aren't you offering her the bed?! Be a gentleman...

[basicsarcasm]

You cannot be friends with an ex until those feelings of wanting to be with her have completely gone. I think you should avoid her. It will give her time to miss you and for you to heal. If she started a new job and is meeting new people then those things will become clearer and she can't miss that won't go away. Keep perspective. Just stay out the apartment as miuch as you can. This is a great time for you to decide whether or not you want to be with her! She may have decided the break up, but this may be the best thing for you or the next phase in your relationship. You miss her, but she isn't at that stage. She was thinking about it for awhile and you were able to get her to keep the break-up off for another 6 weeks. Live your life. If she's going to be in it she will, but this is your time to let her know you can live without her and you will if you have to. Don't be a jerk, but don't overkill with niceness.

[Raven_Skye]

Ok, stupid question.. how come you both still live in the same apartment? I'm sorry, but when my ex broke up with me, I moved out faster than a speeding bullet. It will kill you to stay in that apartment when you're nto together, and honestly it will not improve your chances of being with her again, if that's what you really want. She sees you everyday, gets no breather to think if she misses you or not. I can understand if you both can't afford to live apart, but still then, this is no good for anyone.

[LiGuy79]

(Recent Updates)
So it's now been a month since this debacle began. Life at home has more or less settled into an understanding that this is a practical arrangement. There is no discussion of the relationship at this time, just focusing on ourselves.

She is still trying to figure things out, spoke to one of my friends and said "Maybe I'll just tell him I've got a date tonight, he'll give me more space." Her friend said basically if you do that you'll kill any chance you two ever had or ever will have again and he will turn into the nastiest, spiteful person you've ever encountered in your life. She broke down in tears over the phone.

She clearly cares, I know this for a fact, but I think she's afraid of committing whole heatedly and being hurt again somehow. I even looked her in the eye and asked her "Do you want me to sell the ring?". Again she cried, a LOT. I don't want anyone else but her wearing that ring...I just don't know what else to do.

We can't live apart, that's just not possible. She's looking for a place to live but half of her doesn't really want to go. Like she's waiting for something, I just don't know what.

[IncognitoSir]

Well, I guess all you can do is wait around for her to either get back with you or break your heart after so much waiting.