I am obsessing

[Luca]

So....I am back with my ex again. We had been dating for about a year and a half, when I broke up with him. We were apart for about two months. During that time, for the first couple of weeks or so we texted back and forth. Then he said it was too hard and stopped texting me. He sent a text on the holidays, just saying he hoped I was having a good day etc. I responded in kind but that is all that was said.

While we were apart I dated two people, but did not have sex with anyone. The ex contacted me and after hanging out for a week or so, we are back together. Everything is going well, and I am very happy he made the move to contact me because I missed him terribly.

So here is the problem....I suffer from OCD. I have learned from my past that it is never a good idea for me to hear about the sexual past of people I am dating. I begin to have obessive thoughts and am unable to stop focusing on the idea of them with someone else. I am in therapy and on meds for this, and generally am able to manage the disease.

I recently had to change meds due to some side effects, and it is taking a bit for the new ones to work. In the meantime I have begun to obesess over the fact that my ex slept with someone else while we were apart. It seems likely that he would have. He is a great catch, obviously or I wouldn't be with him, and I know men tend to deal with break-ups by sleeping around. I also know that he was out drinking heavily while we apart as he was having a rough time.

When I think about it logically, I know that obviously he wants to be with me now. However, then my disease kicks in and I start thinking of him with tons of other women, or thinking that he found someone he really liked and is only back with me because it didn't work out. I don't feel like I should actually ask him, because right now with my meds unstable, I wouldn't be able to deal with it rationally and would probably sabotage the relationship.

I really don't know what my question is, as it seems like nothing would work to solve this. I guess I am just wondering, if a guy slept with someone to get over someone, or because they were lonely, is it not meaningless? And if he had found someone he really liked, or was out every night picking up women and having a great time, he would not want to be back with me, no?

[Gigabitch]

Guys don't view sex the same way you do, Luca. Most of them really can just do it and not think about it much afterward. It's very possible that it was, indeed, meaningless.

Stop sabotaging yourself, if you can.

[Luca]

That is the problem, I don't know if I can. It makes it hard to have relationships because generally I like to talk about my problems and worries with my partner. However, when the OCD centers around them, and its something I don't want to know or wouldn't handle well I cannot have that discussion. I really don't want to let my illness prevent me from being happy with someone but it makes it so hard.

I fear if I find out that he was with someone else I will not be able to continue dating him.

[Gigabitch]

That's silly. You dumped him, remember?

Look, this is the place to let out all of your weird insecurities, not to your boyfriend. Yes, you'll get plenty of flack, some people around here seem to view insecurities as the very worst of character flaws, but you'll get help too.

Hold on until your meds kick in.

[Perryville]

Luca, you dumped him, so you have no right to question his behavior, while you were apart, any more than he does yours. He came back to You, most men wouldn't do that, I know that I wouldn't, so he must really be into you. My advice is the same as Gig's , do nothing until your meds are fully effective, then concentrate on the future, so this type of thing doesn't happen again..

[Luca]

I know you are right. I just worry that he only came back to me because he was lonely and needed someone. But that kind of contradicts my other fear that he was living it up and sleeping with tons of hot women I guess.

Most people wouldn't go back to someone who had dumped them just because nothing better came up, right? I wouldn't......

[Perryville]

I wouldn't over -analyze it, Luca. He's a big boy and presumably knows what he wants.

[Luca]

My other problem is that before we broke up I knew how many condoms were left in his drawer, one of the symptoms of my OCD is I notice such things. Now everytime I am in his room, or we are about to have sex and and he opens the drawer to get a condom, it is SO hard or me not to look. If one is gone that I know we didn't use, I will know he was with someone else.

I already found a couple of candy cane necklaces from a holiday party under his bed. He said they were from a Christmas party, and he couldnt' remember which one. But they looked like something a woman would wear at such a party, and why would he have two?


Sorry, I know this is ridiculous....and it doesn't matter. It is just easier for me to obsess and vent here than to do it to him. It is still new that we are back together again and I really don't want to strain the relationship.

[Gigabitch]

Just let it out, Luca. It's good for you.

[Luca]

Well, I found out he slept with 3 different people while we were apart. He told me, I didn't ask. He just blurted it out.

I am pretty sick about the whole thing. Two of the girls he was dating, but one of them was the woman he was in a relationship with right before me. That is what is really bothering me. She caused a LOT of problems for us, and was kind of one of the contributing factors to the break-up. She basically stalked him, and me. I know that he has no control over her behavior, but he did not do enough to stop it either.

He would intitiate contact with her under the guise of "seeing if she was ok." He went over to her house once and helped fix the sink. One night we ran into her at a concert and she was with a date. He spent the entire night staring at her and outright ignoring me. At one point he interrupted me to point out that her date "looked kind of nerdy". He also brought her up ALL the time. I know way too much about this woman, from what bands she likes, what age she lost her viginity, etc.

He insisted that he had broken up with her, and he didn't want her back, he was in love with me. But his behavior indicated otherwise. I would get mad, and he would get better, but then slowly she would start popping up in conversation. This was one of the reasons I dumped him to try things out with my ex.

I pretty much think that the fact he went back to her again is a dealbreaker for me. Am I overreaccting, or does his behavior indicate that he still is hung up on her to the point where he can't truely put me first?

[QueenofCorona]

I think its too messy to repair. Things you'll never get over, things he'll probably never get over. You can't really hate on him for hooking up, he wasn't with you and it was you afterall who initiated the break up.You went back to your ex too remember. Chalk it up to a loss and move on or get over it and concentrate on moving forward if you ever want to be happy with him.

[Gigabitch]

I think the only way to get past this is if he agrees to cut contact with her completely.

Is he worth all this? I've found that committing to someone and really being there for the long haul requires a lot of forgiveness, which is something I'm not very good at. My husband did a lot of stupid, inconsiderate shit and getting past that was a big challenge for me. I would NEVER have done it for anyone else, but he was the one I wanted to marry and live with for the rest of my life, so extreme measures were called for.

Right now, extreme measures all called for your relationship. Considering the history with his ex and his behavior with her, which I think would make any girlfriend feel insecure, you are going to have to pull off some kind of personal miracle to continue on with this. It could only be worth it if you think he might be the guy you want to marry. If he's not, then I think you should cut and run.

I know you're not sure about this guy anyway because of what just happened when you were contacted by your own ex. I am in agreement with Queen of Corona up there. This is too messy.

[Luca]

I think you are right. If it had just been the random girls he was dating I think I could get over it, but the fact that it was her. Also, at first he lied to me. He said he dated two people but hadn't slept with them. Then he said he slept with his ex only, and only once. Then he kept accusing me of sleeping with my ex, and saying he knew I was lying because I had gone back to him. I admitted to kissing him, but told him, honestly, that nothing more had happened.

I said something along the lines of "we both went back to our exes, but we didn't sleep with or do anything with anyone else, right, so we'll be ok." He then told me he had lied and there were actually two other women he had dated/slept with multiple times. I really do love him, and the whole time we apart I was kicking myself for breaking up with him because honestly, I did see us getting married. But the ex, and then the intial lie are making this too hard for me to get past. If he lied to me so easily like that, actually swore it was only his ex the one time, then what else is he lying about?

[Gigabitch]

See, people? Lying is the ****ing kiss of death.

Lots of people have this attitude that lying is no big deal if you had a good reason for it (like you felt uncomfortable or were trying to avoid getting in trouble). To me, it's equally as damaging as stealing, cheating or beating your SO. All of those things destroy trust.

Your trust is shattered, Luca. You started it and he finished it. Putting this back together will be about as difficult as reassembling Humpty Dumpty.

It's not impossible, though. You could actually salvage your relationship, but it will have to change. No more pining away for exes from either one of you and no more lying, ever.

[Luca]

I have decided to end things. I am going to stop by his house tonight. I figured out how to block him from my cell and email, so I can immediately cut off contact. We have some mutual friends, but I will let them know it just didn't work out, and I have no desire to discuss things. If he wishes to bad mouth me, it will just reaffirm my descision.