Do most, at some point during first serious love, go a bit crazy? What can I do?

[tobek]

And, as an important follow-up question to the question in this post's title: if the answer is yes, then as the other partner, is there any way to communicate this to them without being incredibly hurtful and condescending?

I'm afraid this is going to be a very long post, but I'm detailing it because I have the feeling that someone out there has been in exactly the same situation... And, I really appreciate anyone's perseverance in reading this, and any thoughts whatsoever.

Basically, I'm in a complicated situation where for them it is their first long-term, serious relationship, but it is not my first serious relationship. If you want to skip the lengthy background info and get to the question, you could jump down to "Now here's the crux" below.

Background: We've been together over three years, and are in our early/mid 20s. We've been having problems for a long time (1.5 to 2 years) even though (invariably) the relationship is so incredible in so many ways. Recently it's gotten especially bad, though. I've definitely done a lot of things wrong in the relationship; not infidelity, but two big mistakes concerning emotional honesty, and a lot of small mistakes along the way. And they have done their share - not as egregious, but still causing trouble - of being over-reactionary, difficult, negative, and unforgiving at times.

The bigger issue is that, over the course of this relationship, my passion never visibly equaled the passion of my lover - whether I'm more emotionally distant because of my first relationship and other events in my life, or if I simply find it less natural to communicate my love, I am not sure. Now, we are on the edge of breaking up and/or have crossed that edge several times, but we might also be on the edge of starting a whole new and better relationship, which is what I want, because I love this person enormously and I think I want that to be a part of my life for the rest of my life.

Now to the title. Sometimes I've thought this person's love was too much, sometimes bordering on obsessive in some ways. And it looks and feels similar in a lot of ways to how I was in my first relationship. Looking back, I think that with my first love I was totally over-emotional, over-dramatic, and I ended up getting really hurt as a result. Looking back I see little reason for my having felt like it was what I wanted to last forever, and that my world would be ruined if it ended. It ended, and I'm much better for it: this person now is a genius, and incredible, logical, (used to be) in control, and I love them in a way that actually makes me feel great about myself, even if these days the relationship is one big stress-and-conflict ball.

Now, the current situation. Whether by my emotional distance (combined with my tendency towards passivity and the fact I'm not so careful with my words) or merely by some inevitable imbalance between post-first love and first love, or all of the above, we're in an incredibly awful place right now. Their (previously abundant) self-confidence is totally destroyed, and they are heartbroken that our love has been, well, trashed. I still deeply love this person and think I am getting better at making that make a difference, but they may no longer love me.

I wanted to take a break to re-evaluate my emotional state and what I want from a relationship, and they did not want a break at first. Eventually I walked out in anger, they called me, I came back, eventually we took a break by mutual decision, but didn't really stick to it, and it's gotten worse and more complicated.

What I want: to sort out my own issues (emotional distance, carelessness and insensitivity, low motivation), and then be in an open (which were in anyway) relationship with this person again, for the long-term, but with more independence.

What they want: I'm not totally sure. To some extent I know they wanted the same as me - a better relationship together. Initially, they wanted renewed and improved assurances that I really do love them in a way that stirs me to urgency and action, something lacking in the past, something that I still struggle with. As the break turned, emotionally, to break-up, they have entered a sort of crisis mode. Sometimes they want to break up and never speak to me again, and sometimes they want my love and support (which it seems I continue to fail to show in a way they find meaningful).


Now here's the crux: I just want them to get over it! Get over me, and then we can move on and have an awesome relationship together. Is the fact that this is their most serious love playing a role in what's been going on? Am I being insanely condescending to consider this? Do a lot of people think first love is crazy and behind it there is some "real" love that actually works for life-long relationships?

They are so heartbroken it kills me, and I know I'm responsible for a lot of the pain. I want so badly to provide support, but a) my support mainly consists of "I think you're awesome and that you'll be fine, you can accomplish anything", which gets received as "you're not listening to me/not taking me seriously" and b) I'm not sure what to do when faced with the typical sentiments of "I feel I've been wrung out of all emotions for the rest of my life, will never feel anything again" etc.

Can I help this person get over this and move on towards being happy, whether it is with me or with someone else (though I certainly prefer "with me")? How can I do anything of the sort without making this person think I am not taking their emotions seriously?

All I want to do is somehow share the moment of realization I had when, as my first relationship was imploding, I kept thinking "I know that everyone says their first love is so amazing and they'll never get over it or meet anyone so great ever again... but I really feel like that - I really never will meet anyone so great ever again." Eventually, I thought, "Well, everyone feels that I guess... but I feel it for real." Then as more time passed, I thought "Hold on a minute... who I am kidding. It is this exact feeling that everyone in fact does feel!" And that was a big part of how I recovered.

Granted, whereas I now think my first girlfriend was cool but not that special, I do legitimately think that this person and I are insanely, creepily, fantastically well suited to each other, in such particular ways, and all of our friends agree and joke about it. They in particular have incredibly high standards and we find almost everyone else to be uninteresting and/or annoying. Apart from some differences in temperament (they are fast, I am slow and measured) and the possible difference of first serious relationship vs. second serious relationship, we are essentially identical, which we both want and appreciate. So maybe they're right to feel that way, that they'll never find anyone else, and I should feel it too?

Alright, if you made it here, you have my warmest appreciation for reading it through. I don't know if we're going to break up or not. I don't know how big a role this being their first really serious relationship plays, or whether it's just a difference in temperament and my past mistakes that have brought us here. All I know is that I want to help, and I want us to be together in a stable and happy relationship. I feel like some part of them feels the same. I have no idea what approach to take. Please share your thoughts. Thank you.

[tobek]

Bump? I know it's a super long post, but I was hoping someone would find something familiar in it. I would love to hear anyone's thoughts.

[Equinox]

I believe I may have been in a similar situation. I was the person that was on the crazy end however lol. I had many girlfriends prior to this one particular relationship, but this one was different. I've always been the "ok whatever" type until I met her. For some reason I fell absolutely in love with her. First time I've ever felt that strong feeling before. I however don't think it was the first time she had ever felt that strong. In the beginning everything was magic. Wonderful. Everything I could have ever dreamed of, but I kept getting hints of this "distance" she would continuously throw out there. I knew she had a lot of trouble expressing her feelings, which caused me to hold a lot of mine back and in turn I think added to my "crazy in love" personality. Because she wouldn't express her feelings to me I started trying even harder. The harder I tried, the more distant she became and the relationship start to crumble very fast. Then it crossed over to the on and off stage. Which drove me insane because I didn't know how she felt. I didn't know at times if I was in a relationship or not. That drove me even more insane. I tried even harder. She kept telling me that everything was fine, I was a great person, and with or without her I would be ok. That confused me even more. She started telling me that I needed to back off a bit, and I started telling her that she was selfish and inconsiderate of my feelings. She either wanted to be with me or not and I felt like I was being dangled on a string. I'm the one that ended up walking away .. physically. I believe she walked away emotionally a long time before.

After that situation and looking back, I would say maybe try sitting down with them and face to face, eye to eye just be honest and tell them how you feel. I think because of her distance and trouble expressing her feelings, I was constantly looking for reassurance that she really did feel the same way I did. I believe that's where my "craziness" was coming from. Even if she couldn't express it, all I needed was for her to just look me in the eyes and tell me one time just to ease that "wonder" that was always in my stomach. If I just had an idea of how she felt, I probably wouldn't have been as crazy as I was. It's a give and take I think. I don't know if this will help you, but that was my experience. I wish you two the best.