Should I stay or should I go?

[FloridaGirl1980]

My boyfriend of 4 years and I have lived together for 2 years. His family and friends all love me and constantly ask him when he will marry me. He always tells them he will ask me when he feels compelled. Two nights ago he asked me to marry him while we were in bed. He handed me his moms ring fromvlike 20 years ago which is yellow gold and his birthstone. Not a well-planned proposal but was sweet and I said yes because I adore him. He is almost 31 and I am also 31. I was married before and that didn't work out so I can understand some fears he has but when he told me I cohldn't tell ANYONE not even his family I became concerned. He admitted he was freaked iut and that I should be happy we are secretly engaged. In two years we could talk about getting a ring for no more than $300 and it woukd have to be stainless steel not white gold. I don't even care about the ring. I just wanted to tell everyone! I was so excited... On the way to see some friends, he went on and on about buying a $6,000 watch for himself. Even though I got him a Rolex for Christmas.... So I wanted to say "how can you be looking at watches when you only entend to spend $300 or less on something as special as an engagement ring for me that i will wear for the rest of my lufe!?" but since I'm not allowed to talk about anything wedding or engagement related i kept quiet. I was brooding though. Our friends asked what was wrong and I said "nothing". Then he had the nerve to tell them "Im in the dog house because I didn't get her a ring." I was mortified! Then he added, "oh ya, I proposed to her but she's pissed so she's never getting a ring" and his friend said "maybe its her effing attitude" to which they all laughed. I got up and left. As I was leaving he yelled "I'll never marry you. You waited four years and this is the attitude I get?! Get your sh*t and get out of my house. I'll find my own ride home. Don't be there!!!" and they all had a nice laugh. Im still with him now but not allowed to mention marriage ever again. I'm finding it very difficult to even be in the same room with him today. I am so heart-broken.

[Wakeup]

My boyfriend of 4 years and I have lived together for 2 years. His family and friends all love me and constantly ask him when he will marry me. He always tells them he will ask me when he feels compelled. Two nights ago he asked me to marry him while we were in bed. He handed me his moms ring fromvlike 20 years ago which is yellow gold and his birthstone. Not a well-planned proposal but was sweet and I said yes because I adore him. He is almost 31 and I am also 31. I was married before and that didn't work out so I can understand some fears he has but when he told me I cohldn't tell ANYONE not even his family I became concerned. He admitted he was freaked iut and that I should be happy we are secretly engaged. In two years we could talk about getting a ring for no more than $300 and it woukd have to be stainless steel not white gold. I don't even care about the ring. I just wanted to tell everyone! I was so excited... On the way to see some friends, he went on and on about buying a $6,000 watch for himself. Even though I got him a Rolex for Christmas.... So I wanted to say "how can you be looking at watches when you only entend to spend $300 or less on something as special as an engagement ring for me that i will wear for the rest of my lufe!?" but since I'm not allowed to talk about anything wedding or engagement related i kept quiet. I was brooding though. Our friends asked what was wrong and I said "nothing". Then he had the nerve to tell them "Im in the dog house because I didn't get her a ring." I was mortified! Then he added, "oh ya, I proposed to her but she's pissed so she's never getting a ring" and his friend said "maybe its her effing attitude" to which they all laughed. I got up and left. As I was leaving he yelled "I'll never marry you. You waited four years and this is the attitude I get?! Get your sh*t and get out of my house. I'll find my own ride home. Don't be there!!!" and they all had a nice laugh. Im still with him now but not allowed to mention marriage ever again. I'm finding it very difficult to even be in the same room with him today. I am so heart-broken.

So: What kind of a childhood did You have? I ask because I wonder what you consider normal, loving behaviour.

Read all that back to yourself. If it was a friend's plight you were reading about, what advice would you give her?

[FloridaGirl1980]

My mom left my dad when I was 4 years old and she never dated again. She's going to die alone and I don't intend to. She was very loving to me. He was never in my life but according to her that was best. I love my boyfriend dearly and I believe he loves me. His mom was married 3 times so he is afraid of it. As for if it were my friend? My instinct would be to tell her to leave him but I wouldn't do that because I would know that they love each other and I would pray for her happiness.

I feel oike I have been crying my entire life.

[searock]

Seriously? You let him treat you like that and you are still with him? Sorry to break it to you, but he not only isn't in love with you - he doesn't even love you. That is not love, far from it. Would you treat somebody you love like that, humiliating him in front of your friends, belittling his emotions, etc?

[FloridaGirl1980]

My friends agree that he doesn't treat me right. They're telling me to leave. I don't have anywhere to go. I am fighting leaving and restarting my life a third time. Life is hard enough. I wish he had never proposed!

[searock]

He never really did propose, you know. He never meant it. You should dump his sorry ass and never look back.

[FloridaGirl1980]

I don't think he proposed at all. If I were a man, and I was scared of marrying someone I wouldn't propose to her just to shut her up. As the day goes on my frustration level is definitely rising. I have been in bed all day, just thinking about this situation. He came upstairs and asked me if I was sick or something and why was I sniffling. Had I caught a cold? Oh and "by the way I'm going out with my friend (the very same one that was laughing and claimed that I had an attitude and who is 41 and never been married)". Awesome.

[searock]

What are you waiting for? Break up with him and move out. You will feel so relieved and better once he's out of your life.

[Wakeup]

My mom left my dad when I was 4 years old and she never dated again. She's going to die alone and I don't intend to.

That statement explains a lot actually. You'd rather be unhappy and disrespected then be alone. Personally, I'd rather be alone then to be ridiculed, disrespected and emotionally abused by someone who is suppost to love me.

She was very loving to me. He was never in my life but according to her that was best.

Do you think your mother regrets not having a man in her life? I think she does not. By the sounds of things she devoted her life to you and that took priority over being with someone that was not right for her. She is a good role model because it is indeed better to be without a patner who does unloving actions towards you.

I love my boyfriend dearly and I believe he loves me.

Why do you believe he loves you? What actions does he show you (besides sex) that proves to you that he wants you in his life ~ for the rest of his life?

His mom was married 3 times so he is afraid of it.

Then if you know that and you believe he loves you, and you live together then why do you need a marriage license? Just ensure that you both have all the rights that two married people have like through wills and financial and medical powers of attorny for one another. If he won't give you that, then I'd not believe so hardily that he loves you.

As for if it were my friend? My instinct would be to tell her to leave him but I wouldn't do that because I would know that they love each other and I would pray for her happiness.

I don't think you do your friends any favors by not being truthful with them. If you know she's being abused, then why wouldn't you councel her on that? You can still pray that she be happy but not that they stay in the abuse.

I feel oike I have been crying my entire life.

Why wouldn't you get out of that situation, heal from the end of the relationship, read books on self-improvment, relationships and ways to improve your confidence and self worth and then when you've healed, date again to find someone who respects you while he loves you. You'll not find someone who respects you until you love and respect yourself more.

You're more lonely in this relationship than you'd ever be if you were on your own. I hope you learn and grow enough in self-worth to realize that someday soon.