confused and need outside advice

[eldookae]

Hello all, I am a little confused and could use an outsiders opinion.

little back ground

I am 35, never married and have a 6 year old daughter.. I am 9 months out of an 8 year relationship. We were never really in love in that relationship, just coexisted because of our daughter we have together. I moved out, bought a house.. work.. have my daughter half the time and beside that don't do a whole lot.

My situation.. I met someone who is 25, she is recently out of a 7 year relationship (2.5 months now), they were married in the past year, going through divorce now. They have no children. Their relationship ended because he was an alcoholic and was arrested for the 3rd time with a dui and has been in and out of jail the past 2 months. She still loves him and cares for him and is heart broke over everything but says she cannot go on anymore with the drinking and jail time and him not being able to drive for years to come.. she cannot deal with the stress anymore.. so she filed divorce.

We met about 1.5 months ago, neither of us are really outgoing... we are both kinda shy and like to just hang out and talk, not big into bar stuff or whatever, we started just hanging out, watching movies, having a few drinks and talking/laughing etc. There are few people I click with and can be open with.. I am generally very shy and there have only been a handful of people I feel comfortable with and can just be free and she happens to be one of them. We can and do talk about everything and it just feels nice. She feels the same way about me as well.. we have been dating and seeing a lot of each other the whole 1.5 months. She is very confused though because all this other stuff is going on, and I agree.. it is to soon.. but we both want to pursue the relationship.

I am just a little scared about it all. There has only been one other person in my life I have had this kinda connection with and that was over 13 years ago, she was european, was here for a summer, we met, had a relationship, visited each other every few months over seas etc but eventually we could not take the stress of living 4k miles apart and split ways after a couple years. It took me years to get over her and still to this day I think of her.

Now I find myself in similar situation, not distance issue but with her not really being in the right place to start something serious. She is hesitant about it but wants to try.. and that is nice.. but I am still concerned.. a right person wrong time kinda situation. Not to mention her ex who is out of jail right now (may be going back in a few weeks) calls and txts her all day everyday, comes over etc etc. He is trying to get them back together, she tells him she can't do it.. its over.. she cries a lot because he is stressing her out. Not sure why she does not just stop all contact, but its not my place to say anything.. and I know she is really sad about that whole situation and maybe can't bring herself to just stop all contact.

I am surely falling for her.. and it will already be painful to not see her but I am worried to be really hurt months from now if it happens to be she is not ready, or never healed properly or whatever. I dunno what to do. I am not even sure I have the strength to cut it off right now as it just feels so right when we are together.

thanks all

[AamyluvroN]

I believe you should take things a little slow. Her relationship ended not that long ago and you do not want to end up as a rebound. Its great that you both can talk about anything, that indicates that you two are on the right path of having a good friendship regardless of what happens. You stated that it will be painful if you are unable to see her but you also stated that it will be painful as well if you get hurt due to things moving so fast. You answered your own question right there. Keep things as they are.

[SelflessnHumble]

This is the problem with "feelings."
You have already reasoned and bargained with yourself that you cannot cut it off because of the connection that "feels" good
while your #1 priority is to be a father to your child. 2nd priority is to lead by example and to learn from your mistakes
so that they are not repeated.

You met someone that is still emotionally involved with another man but
gives you her physicality instead which seems to be sufficient for you?

If he got out today would you think you'd still be there with her?

Let sleeping dogs lie.
They have a bond that jail and distance will not break.
It will be fully realized the day he gets out due to her confusion which is another way of saying:

"I still love him."

The fact you are writing about this tells me you know somewhere inside yourself
that this is wrong for you to be doing -getting involved with a woman who is already involved with someone else.

If you do care about her be her friend, and respectfully dissolve the relationship UNTIL she has had true closure and
has addressed her hidden feelings for this other man.

[eldookae]

thanks all for the responses.. I agree we will just take it really slow and see what happens 6 months down the road. She has made it completely clear she is ending the marriage, she says she feels more like a mother to him than a wife, that she loves him but not in love, she only wants him to be ok. (we talked about it last night for a long time, was a nice conversation, a lot of things came out of it). She is trying to keep communication down to a min with him (he is currently out of jail and has been for a couple weeks) right now. He is actually threatening her now that if she does not get back with him he is going to go to her parents and tell them some personal private and painful things she rather her parents not know about. So I am not concerned about them getting back together, its just the timing, she has not had time to get over everything. So we will just take it slow and see how it goes.