Hurt, confused and desperately need a guy's perspective ... please!

[kansas]

I recently broke up with my 'boyfriend' of 2.5 years, for what I think is the final time ... but I need perspective. I know this is long, but please bare with me ...

He and I have been seeing each other for the last 2.5 years. He was never willing to commit to being in a relationship (for the first year we were both working through some things and trying to growing as individuals). We were VERY attracted to each other and had a VERY strong sexual chemistry/connection and a really strong friendship and talked all the time - leaned on each other. As time went on, obviously I wanted more from the relationship because I fell in love with him. Thereafter, we would go through periods of not talking for 1-3 months and then we would text, talk and it would start up again, until we didn't speak again and the cycle went on. During our last non-talking period I started seeing someone else. During that time he re-connected with me and I told him I had a boyfriend. He was sad. We spoke occasionally as friends but I still followed through with my relationship (unfortunately it ended). During the entire time, the EX-of 2.5 years-non-committal-'boyfriend' suddenly started telling me he loved me, how things would be if we were together, calling me all the time, wanting to hang out, dropping by the house, etc. He did a complete 180. After my break up we started hanging out again (limiting the sex), lengthy 5-6 hour phone conversations (he was a big talker) etc. He seemed very interested, but still would not commit to anything further. He always said the same thing - "You know how I feel about you. There's so much between us. This is hard for me too. I'm not in a place to give you a relationship because I'm finally getting to a healthy place (this part is true) and I don't even know yet what I have to give within a relationship" This went on for a few months. We were friends (sleeping together only a couple of times because he was insisting on trying to be 'just friends') for a while but then things fell back into the gray zone where we were acting like a couple but were not together. We had a frank discussion about it. I told him I didn't want to be in a gray zone with anyone anymore, I deserved more, wanted a relationship and could not offer friendship because my feelings were too involved. He flat out told me that he was not in a place to see anyone, didn't know what he had to offer and that if I was then great - we would have to respect each others position if we were to remain in each others lives. He also told me how not talking to me doesn't work because he needs me in his life and if we don't talk, we miss each other and the cycle begins again. We ended up having a really petty disagreement after this conversation and WHAM - I get an very curt email (no hello, no good-bye) telling me off for our disagreement, how disappointed he is that I didn't handle it better (I emailed him instead of calling him to talk about it) and that "he's saddened that it seems we can't be a healthy part of one anther's lives".

He sent me this email on New Year's eve and it's the last I've heard from him. I gave it 3 tries (that's my rule) and just left it alone. However, I have since found out that (1) less than 1 week after he sent me this email, he joined eharmoney and has started dating again ... right after he told me he can't date me because he doesn't know what he has to offer and (2) he's committed to being in a long-term healthy relationship. WTF?

How do you guys see this? Was I his stepping stone all that time? Was he using me to get to a better place in his life? Is that why he wanted to just be friends in the end? Why tell me that he loves me? How can someone be so insensitive?

I'm just trying to understand this to get my own closure on the situation.

[smackie9]

You weren't getting anywhere with him at the beginning, but you kept pushing for more of a commitment...you stand there blaming him, but instead you should be blaming yourself. You can't force someone to fall in love with you. If you are not on the same page, then leave it and move on.

[SelflessnHumble]

I recently broke up with my 'boyfriend' of 2.5 years
He and I have been seeing each other for the last 2.5 years.

According to your story he was never willing to commit, yet you broke up with your "boyfriend?"
From your own admission you were seeing each other which sounds like nothing more than a friends
with benefits arrangement (giving each other sexual gratification without any sort of liability/commitment)

Attraction is nice but working through some things is evident of an unstable foundation with which to build a
meaningful relationship to begin with. When you say you wanted more and "fell in love" when did you two have sex?

Thereafter, we would go through periods of not talking for 1-3 months and then we would text, talk and it would start up again, until we didn't speak again and the cycle went on. During our last non-talking period I started seeing someone else. During that time he re-connected with me and I told him I had a boyfriend. He was sad.

Going through periods of not talking=not normal relationship behavior. I'm anything but normal but C'mon...this makes
zero sense. Did he live out of state, did you meet on the internet/chat/facebook? It is impossible to avoid one another
for 1-3 months UNLESS both of you have underlying issues with abandonment/insecurities/some other reason not stated.

We spoke occasionally as friends but I still followed through with my relationship (unfortunately it ended). During the entire time, the EX-of 2.5 years-non-committal-'boyfriend' suddenly started telling me he loved me, how things would be if we were together, calling me all the time, wanting to hang out, dropping by the house, etc. He did a complete 180. After my break up we started hanging out again (limiting the sex), lengthy 5-6 hour phone conversations (he was a big talker) etc. He seemed very interested, but still would not commit to anything further.

I don't think you've yet learned how to deal with relationships in general and from what I can see I don't blame you.
See your "ex" wasn't really sad. He was pissed because you moved on and got what you had wanted: a commitment.
(in his eyes) -it's like losing his favorite pron collection after a HD crash. 2nd, you CANNOT (I repeat) CANNOT get a commitment from ANY guy when you had given up the initiative: SEX! Why in the world would he have to commit to you
when you gave him the most precious gift a woman can give a man? Exactly, which means free sex=zero liability.

but then things fell back into the gray zone where we were acting like a couple but were not together. We had a frank discussion about it. I told him I didn't want to be in a gray zone with anyone anymore, I deserved more, wanted a relationship and could not offer friendship because my feelings were too involved. He flat out told me that he was not in a place to see anyone, didn't know what he had to offer and that if I was then great - we would have to respect each others position if we were to remain in each others lives. He also told me how not talking to me doesn't work because he needs me in his life and if we don't talk, we miss each other and the cycle begins again.

This is the issue EVERY woman in the entire world is faced with at one point or another...it is derived from self worth.
If you KNOW who you are and are in control of your emotions: you wouldn't need to give it up in exchange for a commitment
with any guy you ever meet. Contrary to popular belief and accounts SEX shouldn't be a requisite as an entry fee into the guy's heart/mind you fancy -BUT many women do this. Then they post here wondering why the men they meet don't commit???? THIS is why!

He uses your emotional irrationality to his advantage, because he knows full well he can stand by and be "that friend"
then turn up the heat when HE needs something from you: he knows like clockwork you will provide it (your history)

He flat out told you that he cannot "see" anyone, yet he has ZERO issue seeing your VG??? Hel-lo!

He sent me this email on New Year's eve and it's the last I've heard from him. I gave it 3 tries (that's my rule) and just left it alone. However, I have since found out that (1) less than 1 week after he sent me this email, he joined eharmoney and has started dating again ... right after he told me he can't date me because he doesn't know what he has to offer and (2) he's committed to being in a long-term healthy relationship. WTF?

It is obvious that: you don't KNOW him.
Most men that do what this punk did to you create a net of "convenience" and use certain buzzwords, phrases
and a slew of convincing BS that the women will perceive as sincerity....Since you didn't have a commitment it is
almost too obvious you were a side dish in a table full of appetizing choices despite the picture his words painted for you to believe hook, line and sinker. What is worse is that you think you need to unlock the mysteries of his inner psyche in order
for you to get closure: which is wrong. He wants to date. He just doesn't want to date YOU.

How can someone be like this? Very easily.
Psychopath, sociopaths do this all the time and each person is just a means to an end; refining their methods
to use other people and take what they can get from honest, kind and loving people like you seem to be.

So, lesson learned (I hope)
-Don't use sex as some sort of cosmic male translator to get inside "his world."
-Sex is better and much more enjoyable when you do it with someone you love, respect, honor and trust...They should too feel the same...

-Meet someone who is in your area code, circle, town so that these ridiculous periods of 1-3 months
of silence can be avoided.

-Communicate, and HE should do the same.
Anything less than open and honest communication is usually a sign of someone who is either damaged, or
LIES about their intentions to gain from others.

Above all else: SCREEN the people you meet!!!!
I don't mean steal their wallet and do a google search on their SSN, DOB and criminal record, no...
I mean listen to what he is saying and how he says it. See how he treats perceived "subordinate" people
(waiters, waitresses) see how he drives, how he treats his mother, father, siblings...The signs are ALL there.

The huge red flags I see is:
texting is not communication. It is missing all major senses.
Commitment before sex. If he can't "wait" he expects sex as an entrance fee into being *only considered* as his girl.
Whatever your relationship status was prior to dating the other guy: your communication was poor as was his own.
You don't leave relationships to begin NEW relationships UNTIL you deal with the first one.

IN fact take a look around this forum.
Most threads can be summarized as not properly getting true closure because bits and pieces of you
get left behind with the other person! -Instead of dealing with these issues a new layer is created with the new person
but it is only a thin veil, and right underneath are the old feelings (which ALWAYS resurface) -the proof is in your post-

If I were you I would humble myself and apologize to him for everything you did
(and don't expect him to do the same either) -Apologize for you, so that you can say:

"I did everything I could to have a relationship with this guy and it wasn't good enough for him."

Then walk away knowing you did your best and start a new relationship based on the values I previously listed.

[kansas]

Thank you both for your input. You're both right and you both have good points, so thank you for your perspective. Selflesshumble, I will take your advice: Learn my lessons and move on. Unfortunately I'm not about to call him an apologize. I've already apologized for my piece in this and when I did, he told me I was right in feeling hurt and openly admitted to being wishy-washy and an asshole with me. I'm not wiping myself of any blame in this because we both created it. And you're right, I'm looking to try and understand it, because I just don't treat people that way and clearly I was wrong in who I thought he was. It is quite simple ... I wasn't the person for him. Thanks.

[SelflessnHumble]

You're welcome kansas!
The apology isn't for him (not that he would appreciate it anyway)
Since you already did this -even better, trust me but above all trust your intuition.
The gut feeling is like a personal benchmark. You, me, everybody has the right to *feel* hurt...

The part I have trouble comprehending is when people project that hurt onto other people (guilt trips, reliving past events to hurt the other)
and my personal favorite: bringing up something you admitted before in confidence only to have the other person rub it in their face (which is usually done to detract from their own issues)

This is the part where you become selfish even for a moment and stand up for what you know is right and execute it via your actions by choosing to walk away!
Your emotional, mental and physical self will love you for it! Good luck to you.

[londonlad1]

It seems as though he was using you as a stepping stone. From his point of view he saw you as valuable, but only for his own gain. It seems as though he was using you, he couldn't be without you but didn't want to commit to a relationship. As soon as you were no longer required you were discarded.

This sounds very harsh, but I wouldn't worry about it. As someone mentioned above, you have your self worth. For someone to treat you like this means he has his own problems. He was never the person you thought he was. Don't think he's moved on without you to lead a wonderful life at your expense, problems like that are carried with you.

I would concentrate on yourself, use an interest in yourself as strength to get through the 'breakup'. I know this is easy to say, as I can't take this advice myself.

[IronLion09]

As soon as you were no longer required you were discarded.

There is your answer.

[thundersw]

I think we probably wanted you when you started dating someone else, guess he was afraid of losing you?
He got bored of you because you started being very pushy about wanting a serious relationship and he got tired of it, searching somewhere else for something not so turbulent.