I am trapped in someone else's love.

[FadeToBlack]

A day doesn't go by without me feeling imprisoned . . . not even an hour. For 10 long years. I am 26. I tried breaking up but she lost it and almost committed suicide. The shrink (and we spoke to 5-6) said I must stay and keep an eye on her or maybe tell her parents and disappear. This wouldn't work. I am not that evil. But who will pay . . . because someone will have to pay the credit I am giving . . . and I am paying . . . every hour. I am guilt. I am hollow.

She is beautiful. You rarely see a girl that gorgeous looking and also smart. She is talented. She paints and sings, she's everything you dreamt for. She is lonely, because she knows I will never be there as I was the first day. Yet she won't let go. she won't let go of me. I am suffocating . . .

Sometimes I think about dead. I am scared. It feels so . . . not what I wanted, but I need an exit.

I love music. Music is the only thing that still touches my soul. Sometimes I drink, and then I drink some more. Sometimes I cry . . . for what hope used to be.

Love is magic. If her love is the only love I could have had, I will die happy because I loved and was loved. But there is always this doubt, is this really the only love? What about another chance . . . don't I get a second try? Looks like a tough one . . .

I need help. I seek help. I got help. Nothing changes, nobody changes. We are still together. We are still lonely. I am not good. She is not bad. Who is right?

I need to get away . . . but I can't. I am empty and there's no hope. I am selfish and then again I am really not. Who can teach me right from wrong?

You don't know me. I don't want you to ever see me. I'd probably be ashamed if you looked me in the eyes and said "I know you. I read this one thing you wrote . . ."

There is so much more. . . stories of physical and emotional abuse. I abused and was abused. Arguing all the time . . . I am sick and not getting better.

What else is there? Maybe I lost it . . . there is nothing left.

[vashti]

I think it was very irresponsible of her therapist to tell you that you must stay. In fact, it was so irresponsible, I hardly believe it.

[Cain]

I think it was very irresponsible of her therapist to tell you that you must stay. In fact, it was so irresponsible, I hardly believe it.

Yeah, I was having a hard time with that too. What she does after you two break up isn't on you. Don't ruin your life being with someone you won't be happy with. You only live once.

[FadeToBlack]

It was one of 'our' therapists, the last one.

But the question really is - should you leave in pursuit of your own happiness if this would destroy someone else completely? And how knowing this one could ever be happy?

[Cain]

It was one of 'our' therapists, the last one.

But the question really is - should you leave in pursuit of your own happiness if this would destroy someone else completely? And how knowing this one could ever be happy?

If I was you, I'd be completely happy moving on. Unless you were the one that caused her to go into this suicidal state? I'm not talking about causing her by wanting to leave. I'm talking about emotional abuse. If you didn't do anything to cause her to be unstable, you're not obligated to stay. Move on, but do it in the best way possible to minimize hurt.

[vashti]

Call her parents and tell her you are leaving on _____ day, and they should look after her because she is threatening suicide.

You are not destroying her. She is destroying herself.

[misombra]

this is what dr. phil would call emotional extortion.

[Cain]

this is what dr. phil would call emotional extortion.

If he wasn't all up in Oprah's poon he wouldn't have a show. I don't like him.

[FadeToBlack]

As I said we've been together for over 10 years now. It would be naive to believe I didn't somehow provoke or support the state she is in now.

Her parents are very nice people, but they have their fair share of problems and they would definitely not be able to help . . . not only that but it would crush them too because we've established a pretty ok relation ship with them as well. In a way they trust me to take care of their daughter.

I just feel lie I am walking on a one way street. It was easier fooling myself before, but I can't take it anymore and at the same time can't do anything about it. It's like drawing a square in the dirt and not stepping out of it for ten years.

[vashti]

You can do something about this. You are choosing not to. I guess when things suck enough, you will choose otherwise.

[Mish]

Love is magic. If her love is the only love I could have had, I will die happy because I loved and was loved.

I found a few contradictions in your post. If the above was true, you wouldn't want to leave in the first place.

To answer your question, if you need to leave then you will leave. The question is when. If you're not happy try to find a way to transition out. You will hurt her, but you will just have to deal with that and move on.

[Namari]

But the question really is - should you leave in pursuit of your own happiness if this would destroy someone else completely? And how knowing this one could ever be happy?

From the sound of what you said earlier, she isn't happy now:

She is lonely, because she knows I will never be there as I was the first day.

In the end, the only person's happiness that you are responsible for is your own. It sounds to me like both of you need individual counseling, and like both of you would be better off without each other.

[Tone]

But the question really is - should you leave in pursuit of your own happiness if this would destroy someone else completely? And how knowing this one could ever be happy?

She needs to learn not to be so dependent on another person in her life. By letting her continue to live like this you're doing more harm. By staying with her while not wanting to be with her, you're doing more harm.

She needs to learn how to stand on her own, she can't do that with your so called "protection" from herself.

You can't be her sole source of happiness for the rest of your lives.

Would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? So why do this to her?

[Soulkiss]

Ten years not a short time, Are you really ready to discard that part of your life? Only to wake up to the possibility of regret and sorrow one day in pursuit of your lost ambition or worthless ideals and curiosity? Then to realized that you've had it all and you probably won't find it again, some of the subtle details that you've shared with her, or perhaps you just find all the other girls annoying or just ain't in the same caliber as the one you've been with for all this time? I'm assuming both of you are at the same age. So that would mean the both of you met and started this love when you were 16. A guy's 26 and a women's 26 is much more different. Guys can be considered young even in their 30's whereas women would be considered old. The possibility of her finding another love and being engaged seems thin. You have to be considerate of her situation and try to understand why shes suffering and considering suiciding, not just because of her love for you. But because she dedicated all her youth, yes 10 years of her prime life to you and only you, only to realize that you no longer care for her the same way or you wish to be free and leave her. I was once like you, in search of my own beliefs and ideals, and wnated to be free and left my girlfriend during the toughest time of her life. I felt trapped too. She was a model, really good person and all I can say is if we've met in other conditions our lives would have been the best. But reality isn't always pretty at least it doesn't come right away, to appreciate the view it requires time much like a fine wine. She grew up in poverty, modeling for FHM and Playboy was a way out for her, she was young at the time. So was I, I wasn't ready to take on the responsibility of her ending her career for me I guess, but theres other reasons too, hard to describe. I've left her cold. But through out the years I've always thought about her from time to time and realized that what we had was so rare and I probably won't ever find it again. I am considered "well equipped" when it comes to getting girls. But no matter how many girls I am capable of sweeping through, all is pointless if you can't find true love. I guess the more girls you can get the more you realize how tragical you've become and how much karma sucks. What good does it make when you're capable of walking the entire beach and searched every area for that pearl but only realized that there was only one and you've had it the whole time but flew it away with your very own hands? You could be wandering years of your life only to realize that the square around the sand is what you've been looking for all along. that girl I've once abandoned, the very same girl i've destroyed is now living a happy life, I'm happy and sad for her. Shes an artist now, fitness coach and is marrying a young rich guy that treats her well. The guy owns several office buildings, real estate guru. I'm happy that her life is great as long as shes happy and content. The sad part is, that guy is living the life that I could have had. Only without the pain that I had to go through. All because of my own mistakes. Her love for me is gone in some supressed memory deep inside of her. Because it was the most tragic time of her life, the darkest time and she simply refuse to think about it. So all that is left between our love is now memories of my own, not memories that we share. Maybe one day she'll grow old and remember the love that we once had but I got what I deserved. Don't make the same mistake as me. I don't want to see another person wake up years later and realized what horrible things he had done years ago. She waited long for me and all those time I knew I could have gone back with her but I didn't. To be honest I still can take her away on this very day if I set my heart to it. She knows this too, thats why she asked me not to steal her heart anymore and everything is too late, shes 2 months pregnant. I am not the type of person to destroy other people's life for my own gain. Because it wouldn't be considered as gaining anything if it comes with the price of others losing what they cherish. As long as shes happy then I'm fine. I'm a guy right, have to endure the pain on my own. Women usually move on after their heart has been broken, and completely discard everything. Thats been true but I've never allowed her to completely crush her love for me. everythings a mess.


Anyway back to your story, try to think about her in her perspective, cause you're only doing yourself favors by doing that. You probably still love her but not yet realized this, it's like something thats no longer shiny and requires some effort to remove the dirt to make it sparkle. I suggest the following.

a) Short seperation. (be very careful about this cause it can set the path for inevitable downfall)
b) Go on vacations, go to other places... Experience things together, life in another environment and atmosphere. Relocate to another country with her.
c) Continue what you're doing now but find out what exactly is causing you to feel trapped. And address it.

I suggest trying out b first before you take on alternatives. I know b may be difficult, but drastic action can save you now and your future and most importantly hers as well. try it out, if it doesn't reclaim your love for her from another angle, then move on before wasting more of her precious time.

[vashti]

I tried to read you whole post soulkiss, but I couldn't get past the part where you say he has wasted her youth at the age of 26, and that she is almost old. You totally lost your credibility at that point. 26 is still PLENTY young enough to move on.