I'm a cheater

[CJponay987]

Hello everyone,

I know by the title of this post most of you are already juding me. I don't blame you. I have a problem and I thought I could fix it on my own but apparently I can't.

I'll give you all a brief overview -

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. He's the only man I've ever been in an exclusive relationship with. Things had gotten pretty rocky for a while, and about 2 years ago things were so bad that I should have just called it quits, but instead I entered a relationship with another man. I wished my boyfriend would provide me with the love and attention that I deserved, and I never would have slept with someone else and felt that horrible guilt in the pit of my stomach, but I have to admit at the same time it was also pretty exciting, and hot.

I did stop cheating completely after that, and we didn't exactly reconcile anything until last summer when we ended up breaking up for a few months (due to him cheating). During that time we realized that we're too close and too in love to just call it quits, so we got back together. We both vowed that things would be different - we would appreciate each other, show each other how much we love each other, and really put the time and energy into making things work. And of course no more cheating!

That worked for a little while. I've always flirted with other guys when I'm at work or at the gym, but never really thought much of it. I knew I wouldn't do anything wrong. Lately though, we've gotten back to some old habits of bickering, not listening/communicating effectively, basically the typical relationship hurdles most of us are faced with. Well in the midst of all this, I left town for a business trip on my own. I met up with an old friend of mine who had moved there a few years ago and I messed up again! The worst part is that, although I feel guilty about it, when I think about what had happened I mostly think about how sexy he is and that I wish he lived here so we could do it again! I know it's wrong but at least I'm willing to admit it.

Now I could come up with some excuses - my boyfriend had been pretty mean and inconsiderate when I called him that day, I was horny without my boyfriend or my vibrator there, I was in a new city, the guy I slept with was incredibly persistent, I've wanted to sleep with him since before I met my boyfriend...I could continue, but I have no excuses. I have a problem. I guess it has something to do with me seeking attention from men for my own self-approval. And for some reason my boyfriend's approval doesn't matter - as many times as he tells me that I'm sexy I guess I know deep down that he likes having sex with me but at the same time doesn't exactly find me irresistible.

My question to everyone out there is - what do I do? In an ideal world I can have my boyfriend who loves me and will stick with me through anything, and have some men on the side to keep me entertained when I get bored with having sex with one man. Not only is that impossible, it's horribly selfish. I can tell my boyfriend what happened, in which case he would 100% definitely break up with me and stop talking to me completely. Which I probably deserve. Or I can stop cheating and somehow find some other source of self-approval that doesn't include flirting and hooking up with boys, but it's easier said than done. In fact I thought I had done that, but it turns out I've gotten nowhere.

Any advice on how to accomplish this?? Does anyone else have a personal experience similar to mine they would like to share?

Thanks for listening.

[ConniptionFit]

Break up with the boyfriend.

[CJponay987]

I probably should break up with him for his sake, but that's not exactly a solution. If I just accept this, break up with him and move on, it will happen again the next time I find myself in an exclusive relationship. I want to be able to be with someone for the long haul, not live a life being repeatedly used by random men for some artificial sense of self worth.

[ConniptionFit]

I probably should break up with him for his sake, but that's not exactly a solution. If I just accept this, break up with him and move on, it will happen again the next time I find myself in an exclusive relationship. I want to be able to be with someone for the long haul, not live a life being repeatedly used by random men for some artificial sense of self worth.

Then don't have an exclusive relationship until you are more mature and ready to handle it.

[JadenMia]

I agree, i think maybe when you are in a relationship and are treated right and given what you need then you might stop this. You sound like you do know you search for self approval with these other guys, that is something to work on for sure. Just concentrate on making yourself happy instead of trying to get affection from others to make you happy. This is obviously not the right relationship for you so i would leave before you hurt him or yourself anymore.

My first relationship was like this, i didnt feel like he appreciated me enough, i felt like sh*t most of the time i was with him. I started seeking what he wasnt giving me from other men. I should have just left but i thought i was in love with him. I never intended on cheating on him, these things would just happen i guess. I was sick of what i was doing, so i broke it off with both the guys and concentrated on myself. I was worried i had a problem or that i was going to be a cheater for life, as some people state that they dont change. But i was determined to never be in a relationship like that again, that i had to fulfill my needs from more than one man.
Eventually i got into other relationships and have never got those feelings again. Maybe it was because i worked on my issues, maybe it was because i had met someone who didnt ignore me. I dont know, but i know now i was like that because i wasnt getting what i needed from that relationship. Therefore the best decision was to leave.

[CJponay987]

I agree. It's probably a combination of my immaturity and the fact that I'm not getting what I need from my man. He sure tries though. Sometimes I feel like he does and says everything right and I just don't accept it. For example I know about girls that he finds more attractive than me, even though I find them mediocre looking at best, so as many times as he tells me I'm beautiful I just don't believe he really feels that way. Maybe I'm just too needy for one man, and I'm better off finding out how to fill my needs on my own before looking for a man to do that for me.

[VincenzoG91]

Yeah, you should break up with your boyfriend and just focus on screwing anybody that you want. You see the benefits of monogamy, but deep down, you're just not ready for it. Hopefully you can just enjoy being single and hooking up with guys. It would be very sad if you only enjoy being with guys if you are also cheating on your boyfriend.

[JadenMia]

I'm better off finding out how to fill my needs on my own before looking for a man to do that for me.

Yes thats exactly what you need to do. Then you wont rely completely on a man to make you happy. A relationship will never work that way. I'd be sure to stay single and away from other men while you are learning this too.

[IncognitoSir]

Eh, cheating is inexcusable. You need to break up with him rather than cheat on him. If the problem is he doesn't treat you right, then break up with him and find someone who will, don't cheat. Who's to say you won't run into this problem again with another guy? You have to be able to communicate problems and work on solutions rather than cheat.....you're just making more problems this way. You need to work on yourself, that's the solution here. It's not your bf fault that you cheated.

[Wakeup]

I know by the title of this post most of you are already juding me. I don't blame you. I have a problem and I thought I could fix it on my own but apparently I can't.

I didn't judge you right away, but I certainly started to as i read you sense of entitlement, low self esteem, self absorbed attitude and your Tiger Woodsette addiction.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. He's the only man I've ever been in an exclusive relationship with.

It's hardly exclusive if you keep ****ing other men now is it?

Things had gotten pretty rocky for a while, and about 2 years ago things were so bad that I should have just called it quits, but instead I entered a relationship with another man.

Because you're codependent, have little self worth, are afraid to be alone, don't like yourself much and you're without integrity. Not only all that. You justify which makes you pathetic as well... Here's where you justify.

I wished my boyfriend would provide me with the love and attention that I deserved, and I never would have slept with someone else and felt that horrible guilt in the pit of my stomach,

Not only do you justify your horrible behaviour, but you blame him for making you feel somewhat guilty for your piss poor behaviour.

I did stop cheating completely after that, and we didn't exactly reconcile anything until last summer when we ended up breaking up for a few months (due to him cheating).

WTF don't you two codependent creitens just agree to open up your relationship to include others on the side? You do have to have some integrity in that situation as well and adhere to rules you both come up with and agree to and you have to be honest to the people you're ****ing on the side by letting them know that it's a no strings attached coupling with them

During that time we realized that we're too close and too in love to just call it quits, so we got back together.

This situation is THE farthest thing from love that TWO people could be in. It is codependent dysfunction and addiction to the chemical rush you get when you can pull off your cake and eating it too persona.

We both vowed that things would be different - we would appreciate each other, show each other how much we love each other, and really put the time and energy into making things work. And of course no more cheating!

Yea, just like when an addict tells themselves they'll never do it again only to cave to their craving and addiction. Addicts need rehab and counceling in order to get over themselves and their habits.

That worked for a little while. I've always flirted with other guys when I'm at work or at the gym, but never really thought much of it. I knew I wouldn't do anything wrong.

How did you come to that conclusion when you've done something wrong so many times already? Why would you put yourself in that position. That's like an alcoholic meeting his friend at a bar every night. Eventually he's going to give into his longing and have a shot.

Lately though, we've gotten back to some old habits of bickering, not listening/communicating effectively, basically the typical relationship hurdles most of us are faced with.

Again you blame him for your drecrpancy. WTF is your problem that you can't take responsibility for your own crap?

Well in the midst of all this, I left town for a business trip on my own. I met up with an old friend of mine who had moved there a few years ago and I messed up again!

yes, particularily because you always wanted to screw this guy. You are a sick puppy.

The worst part is that, although I feel guilty about it, when I think about what had happened I mostly think about how sexy he is and that I wish he lived here so we could do it again! I know it's wrong but at least I'm willing to admit it.

yep, just like an addict.

Now I could come up with some excuses - my boyfriend had been pretty mean and inconsiderate when I called him that day, I was horny without my boyfriend or my vibrator there, I was in a new city, the guy I slept with was incredibly persistent, I've wanted to sleep with him since before I met my boyfriend...I could continue, but I have no excuses.

You've given yourself plenty but you're right. There is no excuse for what you did when you could have easily ended it with your "exclusive" bf and lived a life of the ball freak that you are.

I have a problem.

That's the first admitance anysway.

I guess it has something to do with me seeking attention from men for my own self-approval.

No shit Sherlock.

And for some reason my boyfriend's approval doesn't matter - as many times as he tells me that I'm sexy I guess I know deep down that he likes having sex with me but at the same time doesn't exactly find me irresistible.

Yea, you're addicted to promiscuity and the rush. You need counceling or if you don't want to do that, the least you could do is negotiate for an open relationship with your bf (with rules in place) or, break up with him and NEVER agree to exclusivity that you're incapable of maintaining.

My question to everyone out there is - what do I do?

My suggestion is in the paragraph above.

In an ideal world I can have my boyfriend who loves me and will stick with me through anything, and have some men on the side to keep me entertained when I get bored with having sex with one man.

You can do this if you find a man who can understand your addiction in himself as well and will therefore agree to an open relationship where you can have your cake and eat it too.

Not only is that impossible, it's horribly selfish.

Only by the way you're currently doing it. You're promising something and then you're reneging on your promise,you're a liar and you're disingenuous.

I can tell my boyfriend what happened, in which case he would 100% definitely break up with me and stop talking to me completely. Which I probably deserve.

Quit thinking about yourself so much. Your fear of reprisal It's quite gag worthy. You suffer no consequence for your shitty actions and so you continue. Your bf is a co-dependent enabler.

Or I can stop cheating and somehow find some other source of self-approval that doesn't include flirting and hooking up with boys, but it's easier said than done.

Yes, you're encapable of maintaing that dynamic without the help of someone professional working on your self worth and self esteem issues. Why do you hate yourself and think so little of yourself? Was it a bad childhood? Daddy issues? Abuse?

In fact I thought I had done that, but it turns out I've gotten nowhere.

At least you're being honest without self in that statement.

Any advice on how to accomplish this??

Get yourself into therapy.

Does anyone else have a personal experience similar to mine they would like to share?

You can get sharing all you need in group therapy.

Thanks for listening.

Your welcome, thanks for realizing you have a problem. Now you just have to have enough love of self to do something about it.

I agree, i think maybe when you are in a relationship and are treated right and given what you need then you might stop this.

I don't believe people who help her to justify her actions. Unfkingbelievable. In order to be happy in a relationship you have to be happy within. You cannot expect one man or one woman to make you happy and satified without being happy and satisfied within first. You will repeat again in future if you expect your SO to MAKE you happy ALL THE TIME and in all aspects all the time.

[CJponay987]

Wow Wakeup, don't hold your opinion back just for my sake!!

I think you missed the message of my post. I'm not trying to make excuses for my actions or justify them in the least bit - I know that I have a problem and I want to fix it! Incognito - cheating is most definitely inexcusable, I totally agree.

It's not that he treats me so horribly - the small problems in our relationship build up, and as much as we try to talk things through we still have that animosity that is hard to get rid of. Again not an excuse for cheating in the least bit, but it's just easier to spend time with somebody that I have a casual relationship with and don't get so upset over the small things.

Wakeup - You may be right that my relationship is more based on codependence than actual love. I'd really hate to come to terms with that fact, so for now I'll just say it's a definite possibility. It's hard to imagine that a 5 year relationship isn't really based on love. I already talked to him about an open relationship, but he told me that he can't sleep with another girl without developing feelings for her.

It sounds like unless I want to call it quits, stay single and sleep with random men, I'm going to have to find a therapist who can help me work through these issues. Not something I'm particularly happy about but if I care enough about my relationship I'll make the effort.

[ConniptionFit]

Wow Wakeup, don't hold your opinion back just for my sake!!

I think you missed the message of my post. I'm not trying to make excuses for my actions or justify them in the least bit - I know that I have a problem and I want to fix it! Incognito - cheating is most definitely inexcusable, I totally agree.

It's not that he treats me so horribly - the small problems in our relationship build up, and as much as we try to talk things through we still have that animosity that is hard to get rid of. Again not an excuse for cheating in the least bit, but it's just easier to spend time with somebody that I have a casual relationship with and don't get so upset over the small things.

Wakeup - You may be right that my relationship is more based on codependence than actual love. I'd really hate to come to terms with that fact, so for now I'll just say it's a definite possibility. It's hard to imagine that a 5 year relationship isn't really based on love. I already talked to him about an open relationship, but he told me that he can't sleep with another girl without developing feelings for her.

It sounds like unless I want to call it quits, stay single and sleep with random men, I'm going to have to find a therapist who can help me work through these issues. Not something I'm particularly happy about but if I care enough about my relationship I'll make the effort.

Smart girl. You are self-aware and that's better than most.

[devonbrown]

Even if you find a therapist and try to work through your issues so you stop looking for the quick and easy fix (which is really what you are doing when you are cheating - you are looking for a quick and easy fix to feeling bad about an argument with your boyfriend or to get attention or whatever, instead of sucking it up and taking the time to work through things, no matter how tough it would be), you still need to tell your boyfriend. That "guilt" that you claimed to feel the first time will just boil up again and you will eventually tell him. If you do love your bf, you should tell him. And I agree that being single for a while might be the best thing for you. You sound like you need to figure yourself out first so you can get what you want out of a relationship.

[Wakeup]

Wow Wakeup, don't hold your opinion back just for my sake!!

I think you missed the message of my post. I'm not trying to make excuses for my actions or justify them in the least bit - I know that I have a problem and I want to fix it! Incognito - cheating is most definitely inexcusable, I totally agree.

It's not that he treats me so horribly - the small problems in our relationship build up, and as much as we try to talk things through we still have that animosity that is hard to get rid of. Again not an excuse for cheating in the least bit, but it's just easier to spend time with somebody that I have a casual relationship with and don't get so upset over the small things.

Wakeup - You may be right that my relationship is more based on codependence than actual love. I'd really hate to come to terms with that fact, so for now I'll just say it's a definite possibility. It's hard to imagine that a 5 year relationship isn't really based on love. I already talked to him about an open relationship, but he told me that he can't sleep with another girl without developing feelings for her.

It sounds like unless I want to call it quits, stay single and sleep with random men, I'm going to have to find a therapist who can help me work through these issues. Not something I'm particularly happy about but if I care enough about my relationship I'll make the effort.

You handled the mirror being held up to you with grace. Yes, better than most do. However:

I think you missed the message of my post. I'm not trying to make excuses for my actions or justify them in the least bit

You may not think you are trying to make excuses for your actions or justify, but you do so often in your opening post.

One thing: Don't do it to save your relationship. I think perhaps the relationship is not what you want or you'd not keep breaking up with one another and getting back together. Do this FOR YOU because you want to be the best you that you can be. Once you are the best you that you can be, I have a feeling that you'll not want to be with this man anyway. Right now from what you've shared, you're just with him because he's safe and he's your go to guy and he's better than being alone between sexual flings.

Do it for you.

Good luck with it all.

[ShellyZ]

There's no shame in seeking therapy. Clearly you need it because you're engaging in some very self-destructive behaviors. You'll never be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone if you don't get help for yourself. And I think you're assuming that you love each other just because you've been together for a long time, but this is not love.