I need help-trust issues :(

[confusednow]

Hey all. Its my first time on an advice forum and I really need some advice. Please help me

I am in a relationship for almost 6 years. It has mostly been happy with a few minor bumps in the road. We live together and we have never had any trust issues whatsoever until now.

Last night I borrowed his phone to check my Facebook and a site came up in the Google cache. I was curious so I checked the history. I discovered that about a month ago he signed up to these sites (**** buddy, cheating wives, matchx etc) it looks like he only went on them once. I hacked into his email and logged into the sites. He didnt have any profile pic up or any details about himself. It looked like he had not talked to anyone and did not open any of the messages he received from women. but he did have things like his date of birth, age, hair color, height and build.

I confronted him and he swore that his friend was messing around on his phone and signed up to it. He was adamant that the sites had nothing to do with him. I couldnt sleep and stayed up all night thinking. I woke him at 6:30am to confront him again. I shouted at him and asked a 100 questions till he finally admitted that he made the profile. He swore it was just out of curiousity and only did it once and he said he had no bad intentions. He said he lied coz he was scared of losing me. He knows full well id walk straight out the door if I thought he was up to something.

I dont know what to believe. I love him and did trust him completely. I thought he was the most honest person in the world. I am so angry and just sent him a string of messages venting. Its like I cant stop. Im at work and my head is spinning, hands and legs shaking, heart pounding. Im wired on coffee, lack of sleep and vitamins and I have not eaten since 1pm yesterday. I just feel so sick! I really want to believe him but I dont want to be naive or stupid either.

The thing is he signed into this sites and then realized he had to pay for it and it looks like he joined another 2 or 3 before he gave up coz they all cost money. If they were free would he still be on them? Was he planning to do something? Or was he really just curious and stumbled across it by accident? I just dont know.

I have never seen him cry but he looked like he was going to this morning. He seemed very hurt and upset that Id acuse him of anything and said he has never cheated, never will, said he loves me, wants to buy a house, get married, have kids. Said hed never risk losing me. I just dont know

Any advice would be so much appreciated. Thank you xxx

To add: we are both mid 20's. We have a really good sex life so I know its not that and we generally get on really well. Hes my best friend. Im crying now this is awful!

[toknow]

I think the one who needs advice more is your bf right now. You have to try to be calm. Keep in mind, you don't know for sure what's going on, don't jump to the negative since there could really be thousands of reasons and they don't have to be all bad.

1. He might have done it (though unlikely) to make you jealous
2. He might have just wanted to see what the other girls' reaction would be towards him - he wants to see if he still got it sort of thing.

This could drive you crazy, so keep in mind it might not be as bad as you think. Think that there are two general possible outcomes for it to be bad or good (with variations in intensity). You can not be certain which it is, so don't focus on the bad.

What he must do right now is answer all the questions you ask him with love, assurance and affection. If you wake him up at 3 am to talk to him about it, he should gladly talk to you and try to help you feel better. If you ask him one question a thousand times, he should answer it a thousand times with love. If he can do this, if he really loves you, he will do everything he can to help you. All he has to do really is show you love.

[confusednow]

Thanks for your response. He keeps saying "no matter what I say you wont believe me". Ill admit I did go crazy. I reacted really really bad. I threw all his stuff in the spare room and told him enjoy being single. I ripped up all the valentines cards he gave me and threw all our photos on the floor. I know mental right? And its not like me-Im normally quiet calm and easy going but I do feel as if my world is falling apart. There were girls on those sites that live 20 minutes away!! I honestly dont know what to believe though. He lied to my face for 7 hours swearing it was his friend-he tried to cuddle me and tell me how much he loves me etc. I just dont know why he didnt tell the truth from the start!

Hes not the type to sleep around or go looking for sex. He never did that when he was single and I do believe that he was not planning to physically cheat but I wonder was he going to talk to these girls? That is just as bad as far as im concerned. I know if it was the other way round hed go crazy! And I mean how much can you really trust someone? Was I naive thinking hed never hurt me?

[confusednow]

I just dont want this to be the end. The thought of it almost kills me but I cant be with a man I dont trust. Its really important to me. I have never lied to him about anything and I would never go on one of those sites-not even out of curiosity. I don't get it!

[toknow]

I can't blame you reacting the way you did, but you have to make sure you know the truth before destroying any memories you had together, or saying things that might never be forgotten. Sometimes, once you insult your loved one, what you've said will always stay with them, even if you didn't mean it. Sometimes people say things they don't mean when they get mad, other times it's exactly the opposite.

He has a hard job to do, but it won't be hard if he really loves you and this was a misunderstanding. Only love can repair this. And love has many ways to comfort you.

[confusednow]

Well I was angry but I didnt say anything too hurtful. I love him too much and could never hurt him on purpose. I was mainly in shock and when he admitted he did sign up to that site-I was practically hysterical. Crying uncontrollably.

I just wonder what else could he lie about coz i was almost convinced last night he was telling the truth and it turned out he wasnt.

[toknow]

The thought of it almost kills me but I cant be with a man I dont trust. Its really important to me. I have never lied to him about anything and I would never go on one of those sites-not even out of curiosity.

This speaks very well of you. I can not believe he is that foolish to risk something that valuable. Loyalty is such a beautiful thing, it's so pure, honest, and true.

Yes, he messed up big time not telling you right away, because now it will be much harder to trust him to tell you the truth when you ask him strait up, but the reason why he did it, might be because he thought you'd never believe him. And the more he was unsure of you believing him, the deeper he was falling into this lie.

[confusednow]

Thanks toknow. I really dont think hed cheat on me. He told me that he came across it on another site and just looked out of curiosity. He said the only way to get into it was to set up a profile and I checked and he is telling the truth about that and he didnt give any of his details. And I know it was just one day that he looked on these sites and has not gone back to them since. He didnt know how to unsubscribe from them and there is 350 emails in the bin that he has been deleting without opening them for the past month.

Maybe it was just my crazy reaction that put him off admitting it? He said I scared the crap out of him. I actually made him cry which is HUGE coz he never ever cries. I know he doesnt want to lose me and I dont want to lose him. Im just afraid-what if there is another lie somewhere?

Its really hitting me now. The anger has just worn off completely and I cant stop crying. I talked to one of my friends and she said I should believe him. She doesn't think he'd do anything to hurt me either.

I know hes not the type to cheat but Im not sure if I believe that he just went on it to be nosy. I still think that maybe he wanted to flirt? He swears he had no intention of doing anything. Im still so upset. He said hell answer all my qs tonight so we can try to move past this. He said he feels like an ass for upsetting me so much and swears he didnt mean to. He says he wasnt planning to do anything bad

[michelle23]

What are your instincts telling you? Maybe you should sleep on it and see how you feel tomorrow. Also communicate. You know him best so you are the best person to answer this.

Make sure your not making excuses for him though or in denial. Dont let this go unless you are 100% sure you trust him or else walk away

[confusednow]

Im so confused right now and i cant stop crying. I dont no what to believe or what to do!

[toknow]

Hey, why isn't he comforting you right now! What is he doing, is he helping you get through this and how?

[smackie9]

The best thing to do is to give each other space so the emotions can settle down. You both are feeling too raw to approach this in an appropriate manner. Once things calm down, have a talk, a very honest talk. Let him know that if this relationship is to continue, he needs to tell you everything and that you are willing to work through it. If you truly love him, you will listen, not freak out, and have an open mind. This is all part of what it will be like when you are married. You have to learn to communicate in a mature manner, and not like a child if you want it to work. So hopefully this will give you the learning experience you need for the future.

[confusednow]

Toknow he was at work when i posted my last post.

Thanks smackie. We normally are excellent at comunicating with each other. I just have a horrible fear of being cheated on and when i saw that site in the history i just freaked and didnt give him a chance to explain. I know i completely over-reacted and i should not have approached it the way i did.

We had a long talk,he explained that he came across the site one day while he was looking up sex tips and ways to give me multiple orgasms. He just clicked on it out of curiosity and he couldnt get into the site to have a look unless he registered on it. When he registeredvhe put a fake name and no personal details. He said he was on it once for about 2mins but then they kept sending him emails and he didnt no how to get rid of them (hes hopeless with technology). His story adds up. Everything hes saying matches the history on his phone so i believe him.

He said he panicked coz i was going crazy and thats y he said it was a friend to try and calm me down. He cried when i said how can i be sure your telling the truth? How can i trust you? He said hed never risk losing me-he loves me. He also said even if he was single he wouldnt go on one of those sites and i believe him. Hes conservative like me and sex is love to him so i know he wudnt go looking for casual sex.

I have never had any reason not to trust him and my instincts as well as the evidence say hes being honest. I feel terrible guilt for doubting him and for reacting the way i did. I love this man, hes my world and i dont ever want to lose him.

Thank you all for your help.

[smackie9]

I'm sure you BOTH learned a valuable lesson from this experience. Best of luck.