too many problems?

[justonekiss]

I'm sure these are probably quite common issues that you have all seen. However, any input I can get is much appreciated.

My boyfriend and I have been dating a bit over 5 months. It's a short amount of time, but beats my longest relationship by at least 3 months. It comes as no surprise from him, because his longest was 3 years. Granted, that was in high school, but he is no stranger to long term relationships.

He is the type that thinks that being in love this young{I am 18 and he's 20} is completely out of the question. He believes that he won't ever feel that until he's way older, basically old enough for marriage. And will probably marry the first girl he truly believes he loves. On the other hand, I believe that 5 months is a long enough time to at least know if you're capable of loving a person. I'm not completely sure if I'm in love with him, but I know that I can be. It may seem that I'm just sitting around, waiting for him to decide if he can love me or not, but I guess really that's how it is.

We have had huge amounts of fights. We talk online daily, and he's so used to his ex girlfriends being complete bitches to him, so he just assumes he knows my tone of voice when we talk. We've had half a dozen 'break up' talks, too, which always ends in him threatening it, and me doing whatever it is he wants me to do so that he won't dump me.

I know he's unhappy with our relationship. I know that we both have a lot of issues we need to work on, but if we can go through so many painful things together, why is it that neither of us will just let go? We are very strong individuals.

He has a ton of demands for me, that basically if I can't meet, he can't be with me. I understand almost all of them, I do, but he still feels as though he can snap at any time.

When is enough enough? Is there a real reason why we're still hanging onto this, or are we truly just too scared to change anything?

[Mish]

Wow, where do i begin...

You are probably going to get many responses saying that its time to let go. I am not going to go that far, but suggest that its time to have a talk with your bf.

First up. He has no right to use "dumping" as a weapon against you. My ex used to do that and it ended being very unhealthy for our relationship. If this is his attitude, so what, are you going to do his bidding each time he threatens you like this? A big no no.

Second. Why is he unhappy in the relationship? What is the real issue? He is unhappy with you? He is unhappy with himself? He is unhappy with the world? Are you happy with him or are you just hanging on because you don't want to look for someone else?

Third. Why does he have a lot of demands on you? Do you consider yourself his slave? I always thought that relationships were about compromise, that both parties have to follow in order to satisy and compliment each other. I don't think he has a right to place demands on you and threaten you on leaving if you dont carry out those demands. I think it would be much healthier to agree on the leaving part with him next time he acts like that.

Now the part about love. It is true that love can mean different thins to different people. His view maybe very different to yours. I disagree that 18 is too early to fall in love however it is very hard to be committeed at this age purely because the 18 year old does not have enough experience for a comitted relationship (Coming from a guy who was dumped by an 19 year old ex who was fully in love with me until she decided she needs to have more "fun" before settling down). Ask him what his view on love is? And then ask yourself if you can complement that view (Ask yourself that if given a choice of never being in another relationship again, but being with this guy for the rest of your life or dumping this guy for someone else in the future would you go for the first or the second?)

5 Months is not a very long time for a relationship to become solid. Yours definetely sounds like it has serious issues, so i say its time for you to have a talk with him. Get through to him that there have to be some changes or relationship will end. Also, find out what you want for yourself and what YOUR definition of love is. Are you fully ready for a monogamous committment?

Hope above helps

Respect...

[Abraxxas]

I agree with Mishanya, have a talk with him about what he wants out of this relationship. Sounds to me like he's sensing he has a lot of control over you and is using it to his advantage and using his prior relationships as an excuse. What type of demands does he have for you that you abide by? Im curious to know some of these "demands", he sounds like a control freak to me. "Things I would like to see in a potential long term partner" is a completely acceptable way to explain your needs to your partner not "If you cant abide by these rules and demands I have step aside and I'll find somebody who will" type of attitude.

A little more information would be helpful but to me it sounds kind of one sided to say the least, a good relationship has equal effort put forth by both people... you shouldnt have to squeeze yourself into some mold that fits his requirements, do you want to try and turn yourself into everything somebody else wants? Or do you want to be somebodies everything for who you really are?

Wish you well

[justonekiss]

I guess "demands" are a little too harsh. It's just things that he can't continue to put up with.

When we first started dating, I was still in school, and had a part time job. He had one full time job. We were able{and willing} to see each other everyday. If not him coming out to my work when I got off{barely 25 minutes after he got off work, and worked a good half hour away}, then it'd be me going out to eat lunch with him over his break, or seeing each other before me having to go to school.

To this day the only friend he hangs out with, is the ex girlfriend of years that I previously mentioned. It used to be a maybe once a month thing, but now he lives in the same apartment complex as her, so they see each other daily. That's not an issue at all however, I am completely sure that he would never cheat on me, or ever want to get back with this girl. The point being, I was, and still am, pretty much his only contact to the outside world.

Over the summer he's picked up another full time job. Working all day, and throughout the night, as he's become a workaholic. He barely has time for me now, and that's not something that I'm used to.

I admit, I have become pushy. My job over the summer has become basically nothing, so I constantly strive to be his main focus of attention over work, or to want to see him, etc. It's not that he doesn't have time for me, but it's that it should be more to HIS terms, and not have me freak out when I want to do something and he doesn't.

I was very spoiled in the first few months, and we both know this is one of the major issues. It's something that I need to adjust to, and wait until his second job pans out for him to have more time to even be able to think about how to spend it.

I've also had issues with my parents being overcontrolling, so I'd constantly have to say "no I can't do it because of my parents", which I'm sure would be irritating. To him, it felt like he was dating one of his exes all over again, the high school mentality part of it.

He says things like he's unhappy with our relationship, but really he's unhappy with me.

We have talks about it all the time, which really doesn't help anything, either. The break up thing, it's a thing that he convinces himself that it's the only way, so I'll have to say no, and agree to something off topic for him to realize that's not how he wants things. That's a two way thing, but it does take me giving in, and saying no before he realizes that he was about to make a mistake.

He's the type of person who doesn't really need to have friends, or be around people to be happy. He is surprisingly independant, which unfortunately also has a toll on our relationship.

He needs his space, and while I want to give it to him, at the same time I'm afraid that I'll give him these things, and he'll realize that I'm not the one he wants to be with, or something along those lines. So in the process I realize that I can't give him that space...an insecurity thing.

[Abraxxas]

Well, knowing all that I would say just give him some space if he wants it. You may make him feel like he knows he cant make you happy right now because you want to spend so much more time with him than he has to give you so he'll make things better off and break up. If you give him some space he'll see that you care about his needs as well and arent just selfish to your own needs.

If he really just doesnt want to be with you anymore anyways, would you want to force yourself into that? You'll only get hurt worse further down the line when you cant convince him to stay anymore. I say just ask him if he really wants to be together, say "if you do, I want us to figure out what we need to do to get through this..." Talk.

Best wishes

[justonekiss]

The majority of our last huge fight happened last weekend. We had a silly online fight, so I called him so we could both explain ourselves. That's what brought up all of that. He moved into a new apartment the next day, and told me he didn't want me there. That he needed to be alone, and I was heartbroken. He was moving on from so much in his life, and didn't want to bring me along to this new side.

Earlier this week he invited me to come over, and I ended up staying the night. We had an okay night, and an even better next day, spending it all together. Over the week we talked a few times without fighting, but could still tell we were annoying each other.

On Friday, I had a few friends help him move some of the bigger things from his house to his new place with one of their trucks. I had asked him earlier if I could stay over since I had orientation for a new job minutes away from his place, and he said he "wasn't sure". So while we were leaving after moving him, he asked if I still wanted to stay. I ended up staying both Friday and Saturday nights.

So last night it got brought up again, and it just went horribly. He didn't threaten breaking up, but he also said that he's not sure if he can be happy with our relationship again.

He admits things, like how he's demanding so much from me. He asks why I put up with it, but I don't want to answer with something like "because I think I love you."

When we had the phone fight, towards the very end he had told me that he feels{on his own, not any way by me} that he has to do and say so much to keep me happy. Basically that he makes himself miserable to make me happy, and I told him not to do that. To not worry, that regardless of what happens I'll still love him. That ended in an awkward pause, and him ending the conversation. Which honestly was probably the best, because it was only spiraling down.

I wish to give him this space, to make him happy with our relationship. But at the same time, I can't help but go back into the habit of trying to make our weekend plans, or wanting to do something specific{like look for a new car} with him.

The part I don't understand, is if he feels this is so much work, why would he want to do it? I think a part of him just won't admit to the severity of his feelings towards me, since he's the one who doesn't believe in love most of all.

[Mish]

The bit i dont understand is why would you want to be with someone who is so unhappy being with you?

I guess it all comes down to either you find a way to talk to him and find out how both of you can compormise to make each other happy or continue going the same way in which case sooner or later he will find a way of getting rid of what he believes is the source of his unhappines, which is you.

You didnt answer a very important question i raised on whether or not you feel ready for a long term committment (And whether you feel ready to dedicate your entire life to just one person)?

Also, i think you have to realize that you cant really lock someone up to yourself. If the person wants to leave theres nothing you can do to stop them. That shouldnt be a downturn it should be a relief because you really don't deserve being with a person who constantly tries to get rid of you (Or in their mind, already left).

Good luck

Respect...

[justonekiss]

Well, we are trying to work on our issues. It does go both ways, he feels there's a lot of changes he needs to make in his life. Such as focusing on one job, figuring what he wants out of the both of them. Securing a life for himself. Or as he put it once, he needs to figure out his life before he can figure out his life with someone else, ie, a major commitment.

While I do believe I am too young to make these decisions, we are much too fitting for me to be able to find another guy who could come close to comparing with him. And in that same sense, I completely believe it'd take a lot for him to find another girl who compliments him in such a way.

The thing is that he convinces himself of things, that he sees multiple options, and picks just one to go with, that he thinks will fix everything. At times, he sees breaking up as the solution to fixing problems, instead of trying at all. So when I disagree, it kicks back into him that he doesn't have the right answer, and probably won't.

I have way too clingy of a personality for him, though. That's my biggest problem. I'm not sure how to fix that though, any advice?

I don't know if we'll stay together to even be able to celebrate our 6 month together, as that seems so far out. But I do know that I want to be with him for as long as I possibly can.