I want him back

[Shattered]

I had an affair which lasted over 2 years. He kept asking me to leave my husband and I didn't so things ended in late June. Within a couple of weeks I realised I wanted to be with him and told him this but by this time he had met someone else - he assured me that it only started after we split but I am not sure on that.

Anyway I still told my husband and he and I had both being trying to make things work. However I still love the other man and have stopped trying to fight that so told him how I felt. I also told my husband and we are now separated.

I want to get the other man back but don't know whether I can or how. I feel as if the relationship he is in is on the rebound. I also know she is married though he has indicated that she may be separated - I am not sure on this because I know that they do not see each other at weekends, on her birthday, etc.

I know he still has feelings for me. We work together, get on extremely well, I know he finds me attractive, he flirts with me. He has also told me that he cares about me though has said that because I did not leave my husband sooner, it is too late. I strongly believe that if he was not with this other woman, then he and I may stand a chance. Being crude, I also know that this new woman is very overweight and rather ordinary whilst I am slim and I think more attractive. He has been very critical of overweight women in the past.


When we were together, he wanted to marry me and also let me have a key to his house so I could turn up whenever I wanted. He only took that key back in late June.


Do you think I can get him back? How should I do that? I know I have pictures of him and this new woman together which in theory I could send to her husband but I also think that is a low way of doing this. I actually want him to choose to be with me as that is more positive and healthy for a relationship to succeed.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Love Portion #9]

Looks are not everything...perhaps this woman is giving him something that you never gave....his full attention. If you divorce your husband for another man, the other man will start feeling insecure because he slept with you while you were still married...so there will be a trust issue. Why are you leaving your husband?

[IndiReloaded]

This guy is trouble. Two married women, in a row says his morals are lacking.

What's wrong with your husband, apart from the fact his wife is a cheater? Does he cheat too?

[Shattered]

Looks are not everything...perhaps this woman is giving him something that you never gave....his full attention. If you divorce your husband for another man, the other man will start feeling insecure because he slept with you while you were still married...so there will be a trust issue. Why are you leaving your husband?

She cannot be giving him her full attention as she is married and I am convinced that she and her husband are still together as she does not see him at weekends, on her birthday, etc.

I think that both the other man and I could have trust issues with each other but when we talked about having a life together, the feeling was that if we were properly together then there would be no need for anyone else.

It is over with my husband because we are more friends than anything else. I have also tried to forget the other man but have not been able to do this.

[IndiReloaded]

Would you be leaving your husband anyway, even w/o your affair partner?

[Shattered]

This guy is trouble. Two married women, in a row says his morals are lacking.

What's wrong with your husband, apart from the fact his wife is a cheater? Does he cheat too?

I know there are concerns about the other man and seeing married women but I love him.

My husband has had an affair in the past.

[Shattered]

Would you be leaving your husband anyway, even w/o your affair partner?

Regardless of what happens with the other man, I cannot see how things can work with my husband.

[IndiReloaded]

Love is not something to base a relationship on. Its more about trust, respect & compatibility.

I don't know how you can trust this new man. He goes for married women. If you wrote that your relationship was somehow special, and he was struggling with the ethics of it, I might understand. However, he went straight from you to another married woman.

You are dealing with a player that preys on lonely, married women. I know that's not what you want to hear, but that's what you've got. He's not a nice man, you need to open your eyes & see what is.

I think you must know this. Its why you're here, afterall.

[IndiReloaded]

Regardless of what happens with the other man, I cannot see how things can work with my husband.

How does your husband feel about things? Does he also want the split?

If not, I'd suggest some counselling before you make your final decision. You'll need to work through your relationship issues, regardless. Its clear you have some. You are damaged from your husband's affair, as well as your own. You need to work through these things before you'll be able to have a new, healthy relationship.

[Shattered]

Counselling has been arranged as I know issues need to be resolved for me as an individual and also for my husband and I as a couple. It was him who said we should separate and I cannot see how we can work whilst I have feelings for some one else.

[IndiReloaded]

How long have you been married for, Shattered?

I've been w/my husband for almost 20 years, this fall. Marriage has its ups & downs. I've never had an affair, but I did go through a difficult period in my marriage. Its pretty normal. Counselling can definitely help.

Anyway, I would *strongly* suggest you avoid contact with your affair partner while you split from your husband, if that's the path you take. He really does sound like a vulture. Don't let him prey on your emotional carcass. Vent to friends, family, your counsellor.... here if you have to, there are ppl who will listen.

Once you have things sorted out, and you are in a healthy headspace, THEN decide if this other guy is someone you want to pursue a relationship with.

But really, you've been married to a cheater. Sounds like it may have drove you to it yourself. Why would you EVER want to hook up with *another* one of these guys? I sense a trend here... same shit, different guy.

Break the cycle, hun.

[Shattered]

We have been married for over 10 years and yes, I know marriage is not always easy but is shouldn't be this hard either.

I cannot avoid the other man as I work with him but I know I need to deal with one thing at a time. At the moment it is dealing with the breakdown of my marriage but yes I would like a relationship with the other man eventually.

I know how mad that sounds but I love him. I do believe that if he was not with this other woman then there may be a chance for us.

[IndiReloaded]

It was him who said we should separate and I cannot see how we can work whilst I have feelings for some one else.

Separate is not the same as divorce. If he just recently learned of your affair, then he probably wants space.

Lots of couples in affairs get counselling. Some split, some recover. Most affairs are just symptoms of unmet needs in a relationship. Regardless of whether you split from your husband, you have been unsuccessful at getting those needs met. You need to learn how. Whether its w/your husband or someone new, you still need to learn this skill.

BTW, what you *think* you know about your feelings for your affair partner is likely 90% fantasy. Affairs are contrived, 'ideal' scenarios. You don't move through life together, with its ups & downs, the way you do in a primary relationship. You don't get to see each other's warts, in other words, only the pretty face you choose to show each other.

Things will be a LOT different with this other guy, even if you get together after you split from your husband. I think you'll be disappointed & find out he's a man-ho. Watch out.

[Shattered]

I would want to take it slowly with him if we had a relationship as I know it would be very different to go from an affair to a proper full relationship but I do want that.

[IndiReloaded]

I do believe that if he was not with this other woman then there may be a chance for us.

This really makes you sound desperate. I mean this in the nicest way, as a warning.

This guy, IMO, has been deliberately feeding your emotional black hole, the one your husband left. If he truly cared about you, he would NOT be sleeping with another married woman.

A single gal, that would at least be understandable. It is not right that any person 'wait' for another. Particularly one who is married, and therefore 'off limits'.

I say again: He sleeps with married women. You are NOT a 'special case'. Are you really okay with this??