Trust...again?

[wilsongan]

I know there have been topics about it. So don't get angry about redundancy with me yea?
Have been having chats with my girlfriend and everytime we come to this topic, she'll get unhappy.

I don't know what's the deal. Am I wrong?
Her story is this, she told me she has high values, high self respect and no track record of being disloyal...HENCE, I got to just trust her. Even if one day one of my friend came around and told me he just slept with her last night or kissed her, I would just have to dismiss such a fact. She said, respect is earned, trust is given. That's the way it is. How does this sound like to you? For me, yes, trust is the basic of relationship. Which is why you got to help your partner trust you, not ask your partner to just trust you by just looking at what track record you have whatsoever in your past.

Number 1, your past, is only what you told me. If you haven't told me everything, and only the good things are exposed, of course you have a clean record.
Number 2, nobody is perfect and people can do wrong. So don't tell me you're perfect and you will never do wrong so I got to trust you ( Yes that's what she says, she's perfect and I got to trust her and believe perfection does exist. ) It doesn't. The very fact that you think you are, already shows that you are not.
Am I wrong to ask more about her life? Am I wrong to ask and see if there's anything else she wanted to tell me?

Everytime I asked, she associate it with lack of trust. Then she say she see no future.
I was like, what the hell? You got to put the relationship on the line everytime I come up with a topic I want to find out and learn just cause you don't like it?

Somebody help me. I want to hear it form a girl preferable. Better still an experience women, the older the better.
Cause my girlfriend always tells me, she wouldn't listen to young ppl. So if its an advice coming from people older ( not old, just older ) at least I can copy and paste it for her to read. Can someone just advice here in two ways?
1...advice me.
2....advice her ( so I could email her the advice )
Married woman would be best. Cause she always tells me, I don't know bout relationship and I am not married so I am not fit to advise her on what relationship really should be.

[ecojeanne]

no your gf has it wrong....trust is earned. My bf used to always complain that i didn't trust him and as it turns out i should never have trusted a single word that came out of his mouth. He used to go on and on and on about trust.

It's a way of guilting you and manipulating you. Be careful with someone who always says to trust them.

no-one is perfect. and yes my ex used to go on and on and on about how perfect he was. This girl is sounding very similar to my ex who completely manipulated me by making me feel guilty about not thinking he was so perfect and not trusting him 100%.

no you're not wrong to ask about her life, how the hell are you supposed to get to know each other???

btw i'm 32. I think that you should run....ruuuuunnnnn before you get caught up in lies and manipulation that will break your heart.

[wilsongan]

That bad? Well I never thought it would be till that extend. Thing is I got to give it a benefit of doubt. I just needed her to know that trust has got to be earned slowly through time, basic trust must be there, but not to the extend of whatever people say your partner is doing, MUST be shut out and never questioned forever.

Thanks for your advice and I am so sorry of your situation. I am 28. I think its unfortunate for you and your ex-bf is a jerk. Whatever he did, but making people trust and then betray that trust is cruel. What can I say, most men are jerks. Good men are hard to find these days.

We help each other in this forum so I got to say to you, don't let this be a shadow of your life. Don't let it linger in every of other relationship you are about to try.

Everyone is different and different times. You got to give yourself the chance. Its a risk they say, but you risk a little and if you did not get hurt, you will learn to trust again. But if that risk materialized, it's still ok. You have prepared yourself for it. Right?

[Tedel]

Well, if you don't man a contrarian word, I am a very good man with a very bad luck with women...

Back to your point and question, I think you can consider those things your partner doesn't want to tell you as a red flag. She has issues, issues she considers so strong that she feels that, telling you, she risks what you have together.

Maybe she's craving for some protection to speak; maybe she's afraid of being judged. I don't know. The point is... are you willing to stay and see what comes out from the pot once the lid is opened?

[wilsongan]

Of course, she have told me a few, I was unhappy but the next day I showed her that I can accept it as her past.

Problem is I am not talking about past here Tedel if you notice me. She is asking me to trust her totally, not about the past, but about present and future.

Like if someone someday come tell me, thats your wife? I slept with that woman yesterday. I would have to say, its bullshit and have no rights in asking her about that statement. Because according to her, it would be insulting if I ask her. What's the whole deal then? I got to just give her that kinda immunity? Don't you think that just open doors for her to do anything and if anyone notice or see her do anything bad, I will just have to dismiss it without any questions. And if it is true that she slept with someone yesterday, I will still have to say no it isn't true? Wow. I would love that kinda immunity. Don't you?

[Tedel]

"When you gain a friend, first test him" —Sirach 6,7

Enough said? You tell me.

[Time Piece]

no your gf has it wrong....trust is earned. My bf used to always complain that i didn't trust him and as it turns out i should never have trusted a single word that came out of his mouth. He used to go on and on and on about trust.

It's a way of guilting you and manipulating you. Be careful with someone who always says to trust them.

no-one is perfect. and yes my ex used to go on and on and on about how perfect he was. This girl is sounding very similar to my ex who completely manipulated me by making me feel guilty about not thinking he was so perfect and not trusting him 100%.

no you're not wrong to ask about her life, how the hell are you supposed to get to know each other???

btw i'm 32. I think that you should run....ruuuuunnnnn before you get caught up in lies and manipulation that will break your heart.

Agreed wholeheartedly, and then some!

How about this one for you. Anybody’s who’s been reading my posts knows I’m going through an awful time with my fiancé that has yet to be resolved.

Don’t want to out and out say what she does for a living but it deals with fraud out of all things! She told me at the beginning of our relationship how I can trust her and she wouldn’t lie blah, blah, blah. And to prove her point she pointed out her job.

Of course I pointed out to her that just because someone is a police officer does NOT mean that they aren’t going to break the law and/or are a bad cop, same goes for someone in her field. Of course she still refuted my claim and from there on out the red flags started in my mind.

Obviously, my point was correct and hers was not.

As I have uncovered more and more what has transpired in our “relationship” I have found more and more deceit.

FACT is people LIE and they lie all the time. They lie to get jobs, to get out of traffic tickets, to get into relationships and when they are in relationships.

Little white lies are O.K. “no honey, I’m sure I turned the AC off”.

It’s the those other lies that you need to concern yourself with.

Word of advise, keep your eyes and ears open at all times and call her on ANY and ALL BS.

And oh, one more thing for you, some people are pathological liars.

Trust is NOT given, it's earned, plain and simple.

[IndiReloaded]

An honest person has nothing to hide.

They also tend not to announce how honest they are.

Finally, as regards trust. Don't confuse 'trust' with 'trustworthy'. The former is about you, the latter your partner.

[wilsongan]

Magnificent you people. Solid advice! I am considering all of it. I have my own trust issues as I am a cynic. The purest of its kind. So I am extra careful. But I am the kind that lets you do what I do. I told her, you can check my cell phone, you can check my msn msgs, anything you wanna go into. Go. Don't even need to inform me or feel guilty checking them. I give you the green light, find people to follow me, or find a hot girl to test me. I am all yours to try cause I am that certain, that you won't find out anything that is not going to be good about me. I wish so badly that my gf could open up this much to me as well.