Helping someone with Depression

[Muffin Princess]

My boyfriend had a really horrible time with his ex girlfriend and she left him depressed, in therapy, on anti depressants, everything. This was about nine months ago and, although he's got over her, he's still having a hard time getting over the depression. Sometimes I feel angry with his attitude and I know this is wrong because it's something he can't help and then I end up feeling guilty. He hates his job and wants to lose weight, but he can't find the motivation to do anything about it. Sometimes, like the last two days, he can't even get out of bed or face going to work. This is worse because he doesn't get paid for taking sick days, and lack of money is another thing that's making him depressed so he's in a vicious circle.

This isn't something I've had to cope with before and I don't know what the best thing to do is. I know I need to show him that I'm here for him and he's asked me to help him get a new job, lose weight etc, but every time I try to encourage him, he gets angry with me for 'nagging' him and has so far done nothing, so what's the best way to help him? He lives 50 miles away so it's not like I can just nip round to see him, but I can be there within an hour. I normally only see him on weekends, but would it help him if I went to see him when he's feeling particularly down, like today? Do you think he'd be better off spending some time on his own, or would it help him if I was just there for him to give him a hug, let him talk if he needs to?

Thanks for reading.

[Gigabitch]

I don't think a hug is going to do it, Muffie. You're getting sucked down.

look, I understand how he feels. I've been depressed before, and believe me, if he wanted your help he'd take it. He keeps refusing your help, though, and this should be a big, fat red flag to you.

[Muffin Princess]

He isn't refusing my help, he keeps asking me to help him but I don't know how. Well I went to see him yesterday and he was very pleased to see me. I just sat with him and hugged him and let him know I was there for him, which he was grateful for and it cheered him up. One of the things he wants to do is a martial arts class and he's been saying for weeks that he's going to ring up and sort it but can't get the motivation. So last night I encouraged him to make the call. He did, he organised a class for Thursday and he felt so much better afterwards. Now we'll see if he actually makes it down there.

I know it's going to be a long, slow process, taking baby steps, but I'm going to be there for him and help in any way I can.

[vashti]

Clinical depression (as opposed to situational depression) is believed to be caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. This means there is no permanent fix for it, and you will be having to deal with it for the duration of your relationship. Maybe you should consider finding a boy that is a little more balanced?

BTW - this also tends to be an inherited trait, so before you up and get yourself pregnant, keep that in mind.

On another note - this depression may have been the thing that caused the ex to leave him. It can be rather overwhelming. You might want to ask her about it. Also, if he self-medicates with drugs or alcohol, i wouldn't consider that a good thing.

[Gigabitch]

He isn't refusing my help, he keeps asking me to help him but I don't know how.

Actions speak louder than words. He asks for your help, but when you offer him actual help, he shoots you down, and you know it. He wants your attention, not your help.

This does NOT mean that I think he's full of crap, just that you should see that it's caring he wants- not actual help.

[Muffin Princess]

Vashti, I'm not going to end the relationship because of his depression, that would be completely unfair on him, it sounds like you're saying he doesn't deserve to be in a relationship. It isn't really causing a big problem for 'us', our relationship is a very happy one in every other way.

It wasn't his depression that caused his girlfriend to leave him, the way she treated him and the way she abused herself is what caused his depression. He was fine until the last six months of their relationship and she caused him to spiral down, it was actually him who ended it because he couldn't take any more of her crap.

I don't think it's clinical depression, I really do believe it's situational as he's never had a problem with it before all his problems with his ex, he's just struggling to get out of the hole she dug for him.

Don't worry, I'm not planning on getting pregnant, we've only been together just over two months and live 50 miles apart, hardly ideal for bringing babies into the equation!

Thanks for the advice Gigabitch, I'll take it on board

[ellie]

Not being a doctor and not knowing anything about his medical state etc etc, what I can tell you is:

I have been depressed. And there is no easy way out. It is going to take time.
And I think, what he feels is, when you try to encourage him to do things, is that you think he should just "pull himself together" and it is easier said than done.

When you are depressed you are also kind of angry at everyone because they (as you put it) "nag" all the time and tell you to pull your life together, be happy etc. And you know they are trying to help, but that is not the way it comes through.

Noone can help a depressed person getting better really, they need to WANT to get better. If THEY don't want to get better, nobody can really help.

And if a person doesn't seem to WANT to make an effort to get up from that hole, they have a reason for it; could be because they have a lot of sorrows/things they need to talk about/they need closure for something. Maybe it's really deep, maybe he's had these thoughts for a long time and it just hit him recently.


What you can do is, don't rush him, he needs to show he is ready/willing to get back on track or else nothing will help.

Be there for him, let him know he can talk to you anytime, and be a good LISTENER.
Be patient and remember that he's not being himself as long as he's in that black hole.


Give him some space but let him know you will be there for him whenever he needs you.
Because for me, many people couldn't cope with me when I was depressed, so I lost a lot of friends.

By being there for him you show him you really care.

[CocoChanel]

Muffin don't leave him just because he is depressed. You're a great woman and a great girlfriend for being there for him. Even if it is Clinical Depression, there is a way to stabilize him with proper medication. You are a strong woman because most women would leave a man in that condition. Most people who are depressed don't need to be left alone, that's the damn problem... so many people just run out on them.

I would also suggest you talking him in to getting medical advice on his condition. Tell him it would be just advice from a professional point of view. Don't say, "Let go to a doctor and get you medicated."

Finding the courage to lose weight is tough, Depression or Not. If you know how to cook, maybe you can cook something healthy and good without telling him, as a way to surprise him and you guys eat together and watch a comedy movie. During the dinner you can let him know, it's healthy for you. That way your not coming off as nagging. This is just one of many ways to help without "instructing" someone to do something a certain way. For exercise maybe you guys could just go for a walk. But don't say baby let's go exercise. Just go for a walk. I had a sibling who was morbidly obese and I know how hard it was for him. He also suffered from Bi-Polar Disorder. There is hope.

I would also read this article.
[url]http://www.depression-help-for-you.com/helping-someone-who-is-depressed.html[/url]

[vashti]

OK, so I get that you think that this is a situational depression episode. Good. The prognosis is much better for him, then. I am not sure what motivates you to want to be with a guy that is depressed about an ex girlfriend, though. Don't you think it would have been healthier to wait until he was over her?

[CocoChanel]

A lot of people end relationships where they are over the person but still traumatized by the contents of the relationship. But this could also be a little proof that he could be depressed about more than one thing and it's NOT situational depression.

[Muffin Princess]

Ellie, thank you for your reply, that's really helpful. I didn't realise that it might seem that way to him. I'm not telling him to 'pull himself together' because I know that it can't be done quite so simply. As he has asked for my help several times, I am trying to help him, I know that gentle encouragement and praise is the way to go, but I didn't quite know how to go about it so your tips are very helpful.

Thank you also CocoChanel, also good ideas. I'm not so good at cooking, but I can do basic things so I'll make sure I cook healthy things for him when we're together and try to go for walks and things.

Vashti, he is over his ex. Since we got together, all of his friends have said they've noted a marked improvement in his mood and behaviour, one of them said about me "She's a good influence on you, I haven't seen you act so happy in ages." But as CocoChanel said, even though he's over her, the depression has stayed and now it's other factors such as his job, lack of money, wanting to lose weight, wanting to get into his guitar playing again etc, that are now keeping him depressed.

I didn't know about his depression when we first got together as he thought he was over it and tried to come off his medication, I only found out about it after about a month or so when he realised that he was still having problems and, by that time, I was already too deeply involved and wasn't going to run away just because of this.

[Disillusioned]

In my experience in life fairness doesn't exist and you have to deal with life as best you can with the cards you're dealt. The fact that you want to stay with him and help him out makes you an angel, far as I'm concerned but it sounds like you make a lot of excuses for him when you say things like:

she left him depressed, in therapy, on anti depressants, everything.

She can wear down his patience but she didn't feed him the pills, send him to therapy or make him depressed. It's the result of how he dealt with it.

Sometimes I feel angry with his attitude and I know this is wrong because it's something he can't help and then I end up feeling guilty.

You have limits to your patience too and can't feel guilty for realizing them, even if you don't consider it his fault. He can help it but it is very tough process that requires some self-empowerement, and I doubt the anti-depressants are helping.

He hates his job and wants to lose weight, but he can't find the motivation to do anything about it. Sometimes, like the last two days, he can't even get out of bed or face going to work. This is worse because he doesn't get paid for taking sick days, and lack of money is another thing that's making him depressed so he's in a vicious circle.

There is no motivation other than the need to pay rent and eat and unless that fire gets under his ass it won't help him. It sounds like he might be barely towing the line and this is all the motivation he has. The main thing is the concept of it being a vicious circle. A person who is depressed has to stop catering to their depression and start fighting it. The brain will balance itself if given a chance but if you keep wallowing nothing changes.

The individual is the architect of their own outlook and sometimes it takes a real existential challenge to have a person realize that "Hey, there is a steering wheel! I can drive!".

Negative people are masters of excuses, A-Z. Take away the excuses.

The subconcious records everything you say litterally, without accounting for sarcasm, a sense of humor or convenient context. I theorize that absolute words like everybody, never, can't, hate etc. damage a person's outlook little by little unless used where they are appropriate like "water's always wet". I think they already know it as negative self-reinforcement but I believe it is cumulative and as permanent as memory. No damage can be undone but it can be compensated for by positive reinforcement. Nobody can be objective but extremes of emotion certainly don't help keep things in perspective.

[funluvinsarah]

I have been through the whole depression thing, still slightly suffering with it now if I'm honest. It all started when my ex was treating me like crap and I just let him do it. I thought I was worth nothing and when ever someone tried to help me I pushed them away without even realising it.
Might sound daft but maybe suggesting to him to write down how he is feeling every night. Not for others to read just for him. I used to do this, still do sometimes it helps get things off your chest without having to tell people until your ready, it made me see that I had more issues than I thought. This is just one idea but there are loads, I used to go for walks with my friends, or my current partner now, do the things he enjoys without bringing anything up about why he's feeling so down, when you do things just make it all about you and him and nothing to do with the way he is feeling. These might all seem like small daft things but they really help in the long run, they did for me and other people that I have helped.
Anyway I hope this helped even just a bit and I hope things start looking up for him and you x

[CocoChanel]

People who have a chemical imbalance CAN'T help it Disillusioned. It's been scientifically proven. When you have a cold you can't just make the cold go away with the wave of your hand and forcing a change of the way your feeling. There are steps and processes you take. People who have chemical imbalances are like mother nature. You don't know what it's like unless you are chemically imbalanced.

[vashti]

Psych is a soft science, coco. There are no absolutes with regards to psych science.

Muffin - the ironic thing is that the things he needs to do in order to feel better about himself (job, weight, whatever) are the exact thigs he refuses to do. He doesn't want to help himself at this point, and there isn't jack you can do about it.

I don't think you are an "angel" for tolerating this.... you have your own motivations and your own payoffs. You might want to explore that.