Engaged but not in love

[skittle]

I am a 30 year old woman, who has been with the same gentleman (James) for the last 12 years. Our relationship over that time definitely had it's ups and downs but overall we were happy together. We have lived together for the past 6 years, and during that time our sex life was almost nothing. I wanted to have sex but James was not interested at all. Any affection that I gave was not returned (even hugs and kisses). He told me that he never wanted to get married to me. That being said, we were happy living together, and I enjoyed the time we spent cooking, relaxing, seeing movies, etc. I felt very secure with James.

This past year I took a sabbatical from work and traveled for 7 months, volunteering. James was very happy to see me go, he wanted me to have the experience and said he could use the time alone himself. Before I left I told James that I might not want to move back in upon my return because I felt there were problems in our relationship. He vowed to work on them (namely anxiety causing lack of sex drive) while I was gone and I then agreed that I would move back when I came home.

James came to visit me near the middle of my trip and proposed to me. I said yes. I had spent so much time with him, I loved him and appreciated him so much in my life. I knew there were problems, but at the time of the proposal I could not imagine saying no to him.

Simultaneously, I had begun a friendship with one of my fellow volunteers (Adam). We lived together (with a group), worked together and spent our free time together. I was not strongly attracted to Adam at first, but our friendship was so amazing and we had so much fun together - I wanted to be around him all of the time and vice-versa. The weekend before I was proposed to, I had felt some feelings developing for Adam. I tried to keep them down as much as possible. But the truth is that I cared for him deeply. But he's very much a 'live-wire' - a passionate person who can get himself into trouble. He's sweet and caring but doesn't have his life in order.

During the next few weeks, those feelings grew stronger and stronger. I had kept the news of the proposal to myself because I felt strange about it - and I didn't want to spread news of an engagement that I was not excited about (I didn't tell my friends back home either). One night Adam and I were talking and I told him about the engagement. He was visibly upset and told me then that he had very strong feelings for me. A sort of relationship developed from there - although we tried our best to keep all things physical to a minimum. Adam was not comfortable being in love with a woman who was engaged and wanted me to sort things out for myself before starting something new. At the same time, we both agreed that our connection was very special and rare. Upon leaving to return home, Adam and I said our goodbyes and I felt like someone had stabbed a knife through my heart. The pain was unbearable.

When I returned to James, I told him what happened. I didn't want a relationship built on lies and felt that he should know what his partner was feeling (including falling in love with Adam). He was so upset, and revealed that he had been in a deep depression while I was gone and now that I had returned was starting to feel better. He forgave me for my actions and said that he takes the blame for it, because of how he wasn't there for me in the past. He wants to continue our relationship, get couples counseling and spend the rest of his life with me.

The problem is - I don't feel like I'm in love with him. I am in love with Adam. And Adam wants to be with me as well - and has said he will wait for me to get my life in order while he is working on his life.

I am deeply confused about what to do. I have to make a decision now - I don't want to string one person along - and I most definitely do not want to string two dear souls along while I figure things out. I need help. Does anyone have input on what I should do?

[Kaius]

It's called the SEVEN YEAR ITCH. This mainly applies to married people, but since you have been living with him as if you were married, it is definitely applicable.
This is a time in a marriage/relationship where you finally get sick of each other. This is also a time when most affairs occur. It's really a true test, and I would
say 6 of my 8 friends have failed it. They always result in break up / divorce, as no counseling or rekindling can rebuild the fire that took 7 years to extinguish.
I'm sorry. You need to break off engagement. There is no future in this.

[smackie9]

There's a reason why you haven't gotten married yet.....hell you have been in limbo with this guy for 12 years, that hun should tell you something. You have just settled and forgot what it is to be with "The one". If James was the one you would have been married by now working on raising your children. Come clean with James and let him go. If you don't you will be living in a loveless marriage with regret barring down on you every single day you are together.

[Anturo]

The reason you are so confused is you have no clue what you really want in life.

You've not even really lived. Except for the 7 months you were away. In which you jumped into a "rebound relationship"

You are 30 you've been with the same guy really since you were 18.

You've never partied you've never gone off and done the crazy things that young people must get out of their system. (This can take a few months or a few years depending on the person)

You need to not be in any relationship right now and do some stuff for you.

After you get the crazy out of your system you will get your mind right and figure out what you want in life. But you cant do that until you go live a little for yourself first.

[Kaius]

Well, you are 30, so there is no point in going back and party like a 20-year-old. However, you do need time to grow as an independent adult, which you didn't have a chance to do.
You have to explore what it's like to do adult stuff without your man. I think deep inside, you feel you haven't had a chance to grow into yourself, so this new guy just seems
refreshing. It's not too late to start over. You don't have to be tied down to the same guy forever. I mean, you are NOT the same person as you were 12 years ago.

[skittle]

Thanks for the advice. I have decided to go to a few counseling sessions with James. I feel that even though we are not married, we lived as partners for years, so this very much feels like a divorce for me and I have to talk to someone. I don't know if we will be able to mend things. Probably not. I would like to move on, I just do not know what is stopping me. It's frustrating... maybe fear of my life being worse after I decide to change it.

[the_man101]

If that's the case, then you should take some time alone to think about things and what you really want. Good luck with your counseling though.