Relationship anxiety - Is it me or is it him?

[Bergamot]

I've been seeing this guy for 2 months now. I have realised lately that I've often had anxiety in many relationships if the guy doesn't seem to be paying me much attention, in part due to past relationships experiences.

Also I think that in my last relationship the guy was so intense with calling me and wanting me around (he was controlling and abusive) that maybe now I'm seeing this new guy it seems odd that he isn't demanding my attention like my ex was.

The guy I am seeing now won't call me on the telephone, he has a pay as you go phone and no landline so he will only text me. I'm on the same payg at the moment tho planning to change it but even then I'll be reluctant to call him for fear of appearing too needy.

We see each other on average 3 times pw, so it means usually a nite or 2 apart in between where I would get maybe 5-10 texts per day. He always takes hours to reply on account that he doesn't carry his phone around with him much, he says he never takes it with him. Whereas I am always fairly quick to reply because I always have my phone around and its my habit to reply when I get a text straight away or asap so its not hanging over me. So I would often be anxious about not having had a reply but not overly so.

The past few days however he's been hardly texting at all when we are apart and today he hasn't text once and I have sent him a few texts which he hasn't responded to. I saw him this morning as he stayed over last night and things seemed fine between us. But still I can't seem to stop worrying and feeling a bit of a nervous wreck that he's going off me.

The other thing that has compounded my anxiety is that he has cancelled dates on the last minute on average once pw since we started dating. He usually has a reasonably good excuse for cancelling like needing to help a mate out in towing a broken down car and the last time he was ill, however his mate turned up the nite he was ill when he was supposed to be getting ready to meet me and he made himself worse smoking with his mate so he finally couldn't make it. Some prior cancellations he didn't have such a good excuse for cancelling however. I told him I wasn't happy about the situation as I have made an effort to get ready for him coming round etc and its also makes it too late for me to make other arrangements, plus I am disappointed and feel upset when he doesn't make it. I find it annoying and somewhat inconsiderate but more than that it causes me a lot of anxiety and upset that maybe he's not that keen on me because I really like him a lot.

I told him he needs to think about whether he wants a relationship with me and if so he needs to stop breaking dates at the last minute without good cause. He said it wasn't because he wasn't keen on me and that he does want a full on relationship with me and not just a casual thing and that he ain't looking for someone else etc.

But still I find I am in the situation now whereby whenever we have a date I am anxious that he's going to cancel again and I'm going to end up having to say enough is enough and we have to break up. If he hasn't texted me for hours in the lead up to meeting I start to worry that I'm going to get a text out of nowhere cancelling, so I am like on edge until I get a text reconfirming he's going to turn up eg I text and I ask him what time he's going to turn up and until I get a text that says a time (he may text back not answering when he's coming over) I am on edge and worrying.

I also notice that its mostly, though not entirely, me that is asking for the next date. In the beginning he used to be suggesting the next time to meet but after he'd cancelled and I'd had words with him about it its like he's reluctant to make much plans ahead of time.

While typing this I've just had a text back from him finally saying he been at a mates and his phone was out of credit. So after many hours of having this worry at the back of my mind and nervous feeling I finally get some relief as the text has arrived.

Basically I think he has commitment issues about keeping to arrangements and the like and I have issues about feeling insecure and fear of abandonment and that doesn't seem to be a good mixture!!!

But also I think I need to do something about my 'love anxiety'. Does anyone else get this and how have they managed to cope with it?

By the way please don't reply writing this guy doesn't give a damn about me or along these lines because that will only make my irrational thoughts about the situation worse. When I am feeling rational I can think to myself that of course he likes me eg because he is very affectionate (tho not verbally so) when we are together and we always seem to have a good time together.

Thanks for listening, sorry its so long I do tend to go on a bit in posts :-) Bergamot

[WanderingAuthor]

He says that it isn't a casual thing with him, and yet it seems to me that all of his actions speak that he only wants a casual relationship. People that are serious about dating for two months don't normally only text each other five times a day and only see each other 2-3 times a week. I don't claim to be a master, but this sounds pretty casual to me.

Being someone who has dealt with relationship anxiety, I can sympathize just how hard it can be to NOT call/text that other person. That being said, my best advice to you would be to see what HE does when you don't contact him.

I know it can be painful to not have the reassurance the other is thinking of you, but force yourself not to talk to him for a bit, and see how he reacts. If he doesn't make any plans or try to contact you, something might be wrong. Is it merely your actions that are keeping the relationship alive? If you find out the answer is yes, then you need to find someone who can care for you in the way you deserve.

~Wandering Author

[Bergamot]

Thanks Wandering. Well I get mixed messages from him. I saw him last nite and at the end he actually was asking me to call over to see him today for a bit which I did and it was me that limited it to an hour as I had things to do and needed to get home to my cat. Plus he talked about me staying over at his for a change which is difficult at the moment as he lives with his parents and the sleeping arrangements would take some adjustment. Plus I get other positive signs like asking to go away of a weekend however I can't till I find cover for my business as I have to work every day so he's encouraged me to sort that out and he refers to future things sometimes as though we will still be together. Can't see him changing the phone thing as that's a money thing and he's not so well off. Its usually 3 to 4 times pw we see each other, only was twice when he was ill but will see how it goes I guess.

It could just be an initiative thing or maybe he don't want to pressure me to see him too often also, I don't know. I will try backing off a bit more (if I can manage it!) and see what happens.

[Jaylei]

I honestly think it has a lot to do with the maturity of the relationship/ people involved. Not saying anyone's 'immature,' but I know a lot of girls (including myself) who've done this a LOT, and it seems to go away with time & age. You realize that someone who causes you to obsess like that isn't really fulfilling your needs and maybe you need to examine WHY you feel the need to constantly text, call, etc.

My personal reason (after a lot of thought/introspection!) was that because I was abandoned by my dad when I was little, I was perpetually scared of my guy walking out on me, which he eventually did because of my compulsiveness. (amongst other stressors) We eventually worked it out (after 2 months), but I realized I had to evaluate myself and focus on healthy behaviors and associations when it comes to relationships, or you'll actually seek out relationships which cause you to encourage this unhealthy over-analytical behavior. (ie, subconsciously being drawn to guys who are unhealthy for you so you can continue this behavior, subconsciously its a rewarding mechanism)

It doesn't mean that either of you don't CARE for the other, but if you guys are having these issues after only dating for 2 months, that's probably a big red flag.

Anyways, thats just my situation... not sure if it can relate or not!

[Bergamot]

Its an interesting take on that Jaylei. I was initially drawn to my ex for the amount of attention he was giving me even tho I wasn't overly keen on him. He proved to be very unhealthy for me in many ways but relevant here was his wanting to control my life.

I am anxious not to be like him in my relationships. So even though I may obsess privately about the guy he hasn't got much of a clue about it I don't think. I may feel the need to call every day but I barely will ever call him because he doesn't call me and I don't like to bother him. I may feel the need to text him all day but I try to wait a bit before replying to his texts and I never send more than 2 texts to him without getting a text back from him. I'd like to see him every day in theory but I don't push this and don't ask to see him more than every other day tops.

So my obsessing is all private and really just my problem. I've always obsessed in relationships and worry and have anxiety in lots of areas of my life also. The relationship anxiety thing only started a couple of years ago though as far as I can remember. I wasn't close to my dad, that could have been a factor who knows. I feel its more from all of the rejections and relationship disasters I've had over the years and maybe cos of my age I am starting to feel that I don't want to waste another 6 months to a year with a relationship that is never going to go nowhere. I have asked him whether he sees it as just casual or filling in time till he meets someone else etc and he says its not like that.

When you say its a big red flag do you mean its a red flag about him not being serious about the relationship or a red flag about me being over anxious?

Knowing where it may come from doesn't really help my anxiety to a great extent as much as knowing how to stop it. Can you explain what you meant by focusing on healthy behaviours and associations and how you managed to stop obsessing and reduce the relationship anxiety? Did your guy know you had this anxiety? I'd be scared if he knew that he would see it as clingy and it would scare him away! Us women are always being warned about not looking clingy. I try my best to be and look independent and busy myself with things and try and see the few friends I have when I can and find new friends but its proved very difficult to find good friends for various reasons so I do feel lonely a lot. I get separation anxiety sometimes, but he hasn't a clue about any of this. He knows I get down sometimes but he hasn't a clue that much of it is associated with my anxieties about me and him.

I'd like to ideally have a balance of seeing him say 4 x pw and feeling able to talk on the telephone on the days we don't meet up for a quick chat. To me that would seem to be a relationship that isn't casual but isn't obsessive. How do I know what is too much and what makes it into a not very serious relationship? Maybe I should do a poll on here or something.

[thirdtimelucky]

I will try and not say anything to make your anxiety worse but... in my experience when there are contact initiation and response issues like this it has been because there has been an unbalance of "passion love". In some cases it has been me and in some cases it has been her. With my most recent relationship she had similar poor phone response and I have never suffered from any kind of anxiety and it made me emotionally stress. It turns out further down the track that she had very strong intamcy love (wiki triangular love theory if that term is not familiar) but not very strong passionate love and associated emotional attachment for me and I had very strong passionate love for her. She also had a big string of excuses and also her family complain about her being unresponsive to phone calls but I know when we first started dating she had it by her side and then later she just didn't care as much, she still loved me deeply but wasnt thinking about me and wanting to talk to me all the time like I was with her. Ouch.

I guess what I am saying is in my experience when someone has been really hot for me they have been great with the contact and affection and when they have been in love with me but not that hot for me the contact has sucked and it has made me stress. Thinking that maybe the other person just doesn't want to see or talk to you that much is a horrible gut renching feeling. Again in my experience when I have been anxious it has turned out to be for good reason and also when me ex's have been anxious and wanting more contact and affection from me there has been good reason for them to be anxious as well but again this is just me, please don't shoot the messenger.

Can I ask a side question, does he tell you he loves you much? As in he just thinks of it and tells you without prompting or responding to you?

[Bergamot]

Thirdtime some of what you say I can identify with and like you I have been right in the past when I've had anxiety its turned out to be true tho not always and when the person I have been with had anxiety there was good reason for it also. However I know I do over worry and think the worst so it may not be as bad as I worry.

I don't know I asked him about the phoning thing and he says he doesn't telephone anyone and really isn't much of a phone chatter, however for me to call down anytime I like if I'm passing. He's not very verbally expressive about affectionate things. I had a few compliments in the beginning but not as much lately. Its a long way from being love I think, its been 2 months, maybe early to talk about real deep love I think, infatuation maybe. I've had plenty guys say they love me after a couple of weeks but later on I feel its maybe been a bit premature as they didn't really know me. So none of us has said that to each other yet and I don't think I really feel that just yet. To be honest though his way of being is killing it a bit for me as I'm putting up a bit of barrier and trying to rein that in so as not to be hurt.

I'm sure he likes me and is attracted to me. Beyond that its a guessing game. Maybe it all comes down to compatibility about how much people like the balance of time apart and doing their own thing and being with someone and not necessarily a big reflection on how they feel about each other? I will give it a bit more time but if it turns out we are too different in this respect then I guess I might have to face having to go back to the drawing board yet again. I know one thing for sure is that I wouldn't want to spend my life being with someone if it turns out they are too different and not wanting to develop a certain level of closeness. Yes I can try to curb my needs in a bit and work on the anxiety and try not to be over demanding but on the over hand I'm not prepared to take it so far that we are having too much separate lives and having too much of a distance between us as I might as well just be single and just have friendships then I reckon.